A couple of years ago, when I was going through a period of feeling lost and frustrated with myself for what I perceived as a lack of purpose in my life - and complaining bitterly about my many, MANY failings and failures - my husband said something utterly profound.
"We are ALL broken."
A simple statement, completely true and far too often overlooked by far too many of us.
I am a very analytical person. I lead a life that I examine almost to death. I think anyone would be hard pressed to come up with a criticism of me that I haven't used on myself at least a dozen times. I also recognize that my analysis of others can sometimes be harsh when my critical viewpoint spills over onto those around me. I really don't need to have this pointed out to me. (Especially since I think one of the greatest ironies ever is that you can't easily accuse another person of being judgmental without looking...well - judgmental.) I AM a harsh critic of myself and those around me, and it is one of the many ways that I am broken.
We all have hairline cracks that nobody would dream we have, as well as those big gaping holes where we obviously need to be fixed, and those unsightly patches where we've begun the process of fixing ourselves, but are not yet securely "re-glued".
Often, the people in our lives who seem most "together" are the people who have dealt with all kinds of breakage over the course of their lives. Learning how to accept our cracks and fissures and put our broken bits back together is what demonstrates our resilience and our level of emotional maturity. However, we are often so caught up in dealing with our own broken-ness that we fail to acknowledge how much those around us are frantically trying to glue and patch themselves up too.
We are all broken - every single one of us. We are all shaped by experiences and hardships that knock off corners here and there and leave us with tiny cracks and chips that are sometimes impossible for anyone else to see.
Those people we put on pedestals have all had to deal with challenges and heartbreaks of their own. The perfectly coiffed and made-up beauty you envy? She may have endured a horrific childhood that she covers up with her layer of perfectly applied make-up and skillfully arranged hair; the business man who lives in the mansion you admire daily may have been beaten by an abusive parent or endured a childhood of poverty. That advice guru you admire may have had to find wisdom in order to deal with sexual or emotional abuse from an alcoholic parent.
It is easy to forget that we are not alone in our striving and our mad dash to fix ourselves so that we can make something of our lives - be somebody. We all want to be appreciated and to know somebody values our efforts and our contributions to the world. Everyone wants that - even the most obviously damaged among us. In fact, those are the people who need that kind of validation most. We forget that.
Mine seems to be a face that invites strangers (or near strangers) to tell me their stories, and I have heard enough over the years to convince me that most of us carry some pretty heavy emotional baggage around with us. For some, this builds muscle - for others it breaks spirits. What we need to remember is that muscles are, in fact, built by a process of continual breaking down and healing of the tissue. Allowing ourselves to experience breakage, and the healing it requires, is important to our growth.
I am learning to make peace with my breakage, to accept those cracks and chips as the inevitable damage that occurs from living. Some of it will get a bit of spackle, and some won't. I'm okay with that too. Some of my flaws will remain visible, even glaring at times. What I need to remember is that others have cracks that are deeper than mine, and that they have more to heal from. We all need to be generous in offering love and sympathy for the cracks we see in others, and hopefully, they'll then be more forgiving of our breakage too.
At the end of the day we're all just lucky to still be in one piece.
We Are All Broken - by Sharon Flood Kasenberg (Feb. 2013)
Hairline cracks and tiny fissures too small to be seen
in our minds and hearts and souls and everywhere between -
No one is impervious to all this wear and tear -
everybody will acquire some damage to repair.
Minds are bent and spirits numbed by misery and strain -
all the true survivors know they're bound to feel some pain.
We can't hide ourselves away in hopes that we'll stay whole -
no one can remain untouched or always in control.
What might be the outcome if we're dealt a crushing blow?
If our souls were somehow shattered, who would really know?
On the outside most seem strong, quite healthy, sane and fit,
but inside all are uncertain; broken bit by bit.
If nobody mattered to us feelings might be spared -
no emotion is invested when nothing is shared.
I've spun no cocoon where I can hide myself away -
Isolation cannot spare me, cracks appear each day.
There's no armour I can don to safely shield my heart;
all the cracks concealed therein may someday blow apart.
Still, I am consoled by knowing I am not alone -
every person in the world hides fractures of their own.
By the actions that undo us - choices badly made,
and the harm we caused when we our lack of grace displayed -
through experience left unshared and words we wish unspoken;
through misdeeds and sin and passion, we are all broken.
