Forward Thinking
I must confess to feeling stress -
the future is uncertain.
I might choose "door", but can't ignore
what hides behind the "curtain."
What e'er occurs, the present blurs
the days that lie before us;
succeed or fail, strength will prevail
if victory ignores us.
I've ascertained that nothing's gained
by never taking chances;
So eyes ahead - I've learned to dread
regretful backward glances.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, September 24, 2018
I've learned that the only thing harder than taking chances and exploring new territory myself is watching the people I love embrace chance. I'll confess that as a younger mother I was relieved that my sons weren't particularly athletic and not "team joiners." I often joke that it would've been hard for me to cheer them on when watching sporting events usually bores me stiff, and I likely wouldn't have been particularly thrilled when their team won or upset if they lost. I would've hated having to encourage them through those periods of personal disappointment when they did their best, but still didn't win. That's because I see winning and losing a little differently than most.
I have trouble with the concepts of "winning" and "losing". I think that any effort we make toward positive change is victory - regardless of whether or not we achieve every last thing we set out to do. Any time we take a leap out of our comfort zone we're being brave, and knowing that we had the courage to try is a reward in itself.
Victories are often bittersweet, and losses don't equal failures. As long as we learn from the experience we gained from working toward a goal, we've won something that nobody can ever take away from us.
Recently I won my first trophy ever. I entered a speech contest at Toastmasters. I practiced for hours before the competition and memorized every word and gesture. When I sat down after making my audience laugh for six minutes I felt that I'd won - and I would have refused to stop feeling that I'd won regardless of whether my name had been engraved on the trophy. I did something that was hard for me, and I did it better than I'd ever done it before - victory!
You see, up until the last decade of my life, I was so afraid of failing that I refused to compete - at anything. The fact that I'm brave enough to blog about my thoughts and feelings still astounds me - and I've been doing this for ten years! The blogs that I wrote early on got very little traction, but I kept writing - another victory. After a lifetime of staying in the background, I was putting myself out there - into cyberspace - and hoping that somewhere along the line a few people would care what I had to say - and maybe even be able to relate to some of my posts. And from someone who subconsciously bought into the notion that if you couldn't be "best" at something you were better off never trying, that was something.
As a mother I tried not to encourage competition among my sons. I refused to believe that one was inherently better than the other, and as a result my two very different sons get along really well and enjoy each other when they're together. I don't think there's any kind of "Mom loves you better" dialogue between them. I never asked them if they were first in their class or consciously compared them to friends or classmates. I was happy if a C became a B, or a B grew into an A. The only person I need to compete with is me, and the only person you need to compete with is you.
Accolades aren't what matters in life. Sometimes we'll demonstrate mediocre ability and be praised to the hilt - and still be disappointed in ourselves because we know we didn't give our best. Other times we'll throw everything we have into an effort and get no recognition whatsoever, but still manage to walk away with head held high.
My husband and sons know how I feel about winning and losing. They know that I'm proud of every effort they make. One of my proudest moments as a mom was watching my younger son come onstage and utter less than three lines in a play that he'd written and directed. I didn't jump up and down and scream "That's my boy!" - but he knew I was there thinking it. If his play had received weak applause I would've been just as proud as I was during his standing ovation.
Win or lose, life goes on in this family. We love each other, we respect each other and we enjoy each other. Whether there are trophies, titles or awards in the offing, none of those things change.
We don't admit defeat, but carry on - in personal victory - heads held high.
Forward thinking is all about continuing to move ahead, regardless of whether your attempt was deemed a victory, or a defeat.
Monday 24 September 2018
Tuesday 11 September 2018
Getting Down and Dirty - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Doing the Dirty Work:
Almost all will volunteer
to sit on a committee -
happy that they can appear
where they will look most pretty.
But, sad truth I have beheld -
which I find quite appalling -
is that most must be compelled
to do the work that's galling.
No one wants to chip a nail
or sweat to do the hard stuff.
Best laid plans can often fail
'cause follow-up is too tough.
Most line up to sit on boards
where chairs are soft and cushy -
but if to work you urge these lords
they'll say you're being pushy!
All show up to take their bow
once everything is cleaned up,
'cept the one who manned the plow
before the field was greened up.
See them wearing haute couture
prepared to meet the presses -
but not the one clad in manure
who cleaned up all the messes!
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, September 10, 2018
Volunteerism is a funny thing - everybody likes the idea of it, but diving in and doing the hard work entailed to make things happen doesn't hold quite the same appeal. The sad truth is that far too many of us want our volunteer efforts to be - well, effortless.
Years ago I supervised a church group for girls twelve to eighteen years of age. Part of the mandate of the program was to encourage the girls to do "service projects" - which usually entailed doing some child tending for young parents in the congregation or fetching/carrying/clearing dirty dishes for one church activity or another. (Trust me - I tried to encourage them to think of more creative ways to serve, but never with any success.) Every few months we'd have planning meetings, and as long as we were focused on fun activities everyone was cooperative, but the second the words "service project" came up the girls shut down. Volunteerism didn't even enter the picture for most of them. They were told they were supposed to help out from time to time, so they did - under duress.
We can write off this experience as invalid, because I was working with teenagers. Still, in my experience, adults often aren't much better. Once, in a women's organization I was part of in that same congregation, a suggestion was made that we prepare meals at a soup kitchen downtown. Nobody signed up. A while earlier, when it was suggested that some ladies could get together to prepare meals for expectant mothers in the congregation, the response had been much better. Why was one opportunity for service embraced while the other was rejected? I've given this a lot of thought over the years and come to a few conclusions:
First of all, people are reluctant to help those they don't know - especially when it involves working with strangers to serve those on what they consider on the "fringes" - the homeless, the abused and the mentally or physically challenged. I don't want to sound too judgemental - I didn't sign up that day either. While my reason for not signing up was valid (I was out of town on the dates in question), I can't deny that I was relieved to have a good excuse to not volunteer - and for the very reasons I just listed.
Secondly - it's harder to get motivated to help others under your own steam (signing up for a work shift on your own, and when you have to work for and with people you don't know, doing unfamiliar tasks in a new environment) than it is to commit to gathering in a group of familiar people to do things you know how to do, for people you're familiar with.
In other words, service is a whole lot easier when we're dealing with a whole lot of familiar components, and it's a lot more pleasant when we can combine it with an opportunity to socialize.
I think that's why there's such a marked divide between the planners and committee sitters and the "roll up yer sleeves and get 'er done" types - the drones of volunteerism. It usually takes a room full of people to collaborate in the planning stages, and this is usually done in a pleasant, sociable environment. Once you get down to the business of carrying out various chores, it might mean solitary drudgery that leaves you looking disheveled and smelling like the dirty laundry you're now wearing.
There's the simple fact that a lot of people really do want their volunteerism to be neat and clean; to go and sit and talk to the other "ideas people", and then emerge from all the planning looking fresh as a daisy. These are the people who are "movers and shakers". They'll raise the money, plan the event, choose the venue - and delegate. I'm not going to say that any of this is bad at all - planning is a vital part of serving.
The problem is, if everybody is planning, and nobody shows up to actually do the heavy lifting, then not much ever gets accomplished.
A few days ago my husband and I were having a conversation with a few friends about being proactive in the community. Most of us find plenty to complain about, but seldom make genuine efforts to solve the problems that we see.
I'll be blunt - I still feel frustrated that my weeding initiative rapidly evolved into a work party of one. It was pointed out to me that when one party is passionate about doing something it becomes altogether too easy for others to stand back and let them take care of the problem on their own. Once the worst of the weeds were gone, I could handle it myself, right?
Well, I could - but I'd rather not. While I don't have a full time job, and I really care about keeping the weeds down in my community, I'd rather not do it alone. It's a lot of work for one person and my middle-aged back gets sore. Besides, I have a whole raft of projects to engage my solitary hours at home, and they get put aside too often, even when I'm not doing anything elsewhere. Like any chore, weeding was more enjoyable when I had helpers to talk with; the work went faster and we could accomplish a whole lot more in the same amount of time! (Thank you so much to those ladies who helped me in the first few weeks. If there hadn't been such a push in the beginning, even I might have given up!)
"Offer beer", our friend suggested, "and they'll come out in droves."
I laughed at the suggestion, and replied that what I'd envisioned was perhaps stopping at noon and doing lunch together at the local diner. And no - not on my dime. (I don't have a job, remember?) Shouldn't the company of friends while working, and celebrating a job well done afterwards, be enough motivation? Sheesh - no one should require bribery with free lunch to get out and work for an hour or two!
The same friend went on to say that he'd rather not head up committees and be in charge of this or that, just tell him where he's needed and he'll show up and do what needs doing.
"Wow!', I thought - "I've finally met another person happy to be a drone!"
Fact is, I can deliver a mighty motivational speech - until I actually need to motivate other people to get out and help me. I'm clearly a worker bee, so people are happy to assume I'll go ahead and do whatever I want done, which is absolutely true when it comes to improving my own turf. However, my town is common turf, and its appearance would be vastly improved with a little spit and polish. I complained about weeds along the main drag for two solid years before I got off my duff and started pulling them. While I was working one morning, a town employee came out and told me that the municipality simply doesn't have the personnel to pull up weeds. They'll come out and whack them down periodically - but they aren't allowed to spray them and don't have time to pull them. Extrapolate - a good rainfall means a huge healthy weed with a deep root will grow incredibly tall overnight.
Takeaway message - if we want things to consistently look relatively weed-free, we need to be willing to yank out some weeds. We already know I'll pull some, but I can't do it all alone.
Every day, we look around our towns and cities and see things that need improving. We complain to our spouses and friends about them, and if they bother us enough we call our councilman or fire off a letter to our MP. Sometimes that just isn't enough, and what we really need to do to see a difference is stop griping about the problems and start doing - get off your bottom, pull on your work gloves (or work boots) and get down to work! Get dirty! Clean up the garbage! Weed the cracks! Add a coat of paint to a few neglected surfaces! When a few people work together to improve their corner of the world, they can make a huge difference.
Maybe by next year, I'll miraculously have acquired the power to motivate a few others to take activism to a crab-grassroots level. I'll keep going to Toastmasters to improve my motivational speaking skills. If that doesn't work, I'll make friends with some committee-sitter who knows how to send other drones to my aid.
Either way I'm prepared to keep getting down and dirty. Are you?
Almost all will volunteer
to sit on a committee -
happy that they can appear
where they will look most pretty.
But, sad truth I have beheld -
which I find quite appalling -
is that most must be compelled
to do the work that's galling.
No one wants to chip a nail
or sweat to do the hard stuff.
Best laid plans can often fail
'cause follow-up is too tough.
Most line up to sit on boards
where chairs are soft and cushy -
but if to work you urge these lords
they'll say you're being pushy!
All show up to take their bow
once everything is cleaned up,
'cept the one who manned the plow
before the field was greened up.
See them wearing haute couture
prepared to meet the presses -
but not the one clad in manure
who cleaned up all the messes!
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, September 10, 2018
Volunteerism is a funny thing - everybody likes the idea of it, but diving in and doing the hard work entailed to make things happen doesn't hold quite the same appeal. The sad truth is that far too many of us want our volunteer efforts to be - well, effortless.
Years ago I supervised a church group for girls twelve to eighteen years of age. Part of the mandate of the program was to encourage the girls to do "service projects" - which usually entailed doing some child tending for young parents in the congregation or fetching/carrying/clearing dirty dishes for one church activity or another. (Trust me - I tried to encourage them to think of more creative ways to serve, but never with any success.) Every few months we'd have planning meetings, and as long as we were focused on fun activities everyone was cooperative, but the second the words "service project" came up the girls shut down. Volunteerism didn't even enter the picture for most of them. They were told they were supposed to help out from time to time, so they did - under duress.
We can write off this experience as invalid, because I was working with teenagers. Still, in my experience, adults often aren't much better. Once, in a women's organization I was part of in that same congregation, a suggestion was made that we prepare meals at a soup kitchen downtown. Nobody signed up. A while earlier, when it was suggested that some ladies could get together to prepare meals for expectant mothers in the congregation, the response had been much better. Why was one opportunity for service embraced while the other was rejected? I've given this a lot of thought over the years and come to a few conclusions:
First of all, people are reluctant to help those they don't know - especially when it involves working with strangers to serve those on what they consider on the "fringes" - the homeless, the abused and the mentally or physically challenged. I don't want to sound too judgemental - I didn't sign up that day either. While my reason for not signing up was valid (I was out of town on the dates in question), I can't deny that I was relieved to have a good excuse to not volunteer - and for the very reasons I just listed.
Secondly - it's harder to get motivated to help others under your own steam (signing up for a work shift on your own, and when you have to work for and with people you don't know, doing unfamiliar tasks in a new environment) than it is to commit to gathering in a group of familiar people to do things you know how to do, for people you're familiar with.
In other words, service is a whole lot easier when we're dealing with a whole lot of familiar components, and it's a lot more pleasant when we can combine it with an opportunity to socialize.
I think that's why there's such a marked divide between the planners and committee sitters and the "roll up yer sleeves and get 'er done" types - the drones of volunteerism. It usually takes a room full of people to collaborate in the planning stages, and this is usually done in a pleasant, sociable environment. Once you get down to the business of carrying out various chores, it might mean solitary drudgery that leaves you looking disheveled and smelling like the dirty laundry you're now wearing.
There's the simple fact that a lot of people really do want their volunteerism to be neat and clean; to go and sit and talk to the other "ideas people", and then emerge from all the planning looking fresh as a daisy. These are the people who are "movers and shakers". They'll raise the money, plan the event, choose the venue - and delegate. I'm not going to say that any of this is bad at all - planning is a vital part of serving.
The problem is, if everybody is planning, and nobody shows up to actually do the heavy lifting, then not much ever gets accomplished.
A few days ago my husband and I were having a conversation with a few friends about being proactive in the community. Most of us find plenty to complain about, but seldom make genuine efforts to solve the problems that we see.
I'll be blunt - I still feel frustrated that my weeding initiative rapidly evolved into a work party of one. It was pointed out to me that when one party is passionate about doing something it becomes altogether too easy for others to stand back and let them take care of the problem on their own. Once the worst of the weeds were gone, I could handle it myself, right?
Well, I could - but I'd rather not. While I don't have a full time job, and I really care about keeping the weeds down in my community, I'd rather not do it alone. It's a lot of work for one person and my middle-aged back gets sore. Besides, I have a whole raft of projects to engage my solitary hours at home, and they get put aside too often, even when I'm not doing anything elsewhere. Like any chore, weeding was more enjoyable when I had helpers to talk with; the work went faster and we could accomplish a whole lot more in the same amount of time! (Thank you so much to those ladies who helped me in the first few weeks. If there hadn't been such a push in the beginning, even I might have given up!)
"Offer beer", our friend suggested, "and they'll come out in droves."
I laughed at the suggestion, and replied that what I'd envisioned was perhaps stopping at noon and doing lunch together at the local diner. And no - not on my dime. (I don't have a job, remember?) Shouldn't the company of friends while working, and celebrating a job well done afterwards, be enough motivation? Sheesh - no one should require bribery with free lunch to get out and work for an hour or two!
The same friend went on to say that he'd rather not head up committees and be in charge of this or that, just tell him where he's needed and he'll show up and do what needs doing.
"Wow!', I thought - "I've finally met another person happy to be a drone!"
Fact is, I can deliver a mighty motivational speech - until I actually need to motivate other people to get out and help me. I'm clearly a worker bee, so people are happy to assume I'll go ahead and do whatever I want done, which is absolutely true when it comes to improving my own turf. However, my town is common turf, and its appearance would be vastly improved with a little spit and polish. I complained about weeds along the main drag for two solid years before I got off my duff and started pulling them. While I was working one morning, a town employee came out and told me that the municipality simply doesn't have the personnel to pull up weeds. They'll come out and whack them down periodically - but they aren't allowed to spray them and don't have time to pull them. Extrapolate - a good rainfall means a huge healthy weed with a deep root will grow incredibly tall overnight.
Takeaway message - if we want things to consistently look relatively weed-free, we need to be willing to yank out some weeds. We already know I'll pull some, but I can't do it all alone.
Every day, we look around our towns and cities and see things that need improving. We complain to our spouses and friends about them, and if they bother us enough we call our councilman or fire off a letter to our MP. Sometimes that just isn't enough, and what we really need to do to see a difference is stop griping about the problems and start doing - get off your bottom, pull on your work gloves (or work boots) and get down to work! Get dirty! Clean up the garbage! Weed the cracks! Add a coat of paint to a few neglected surfaces! When a few people work together to improve their corner of the world, they can make a huge difference.
Maybe by next year, I'll miraculously have acquired the power to motivate a few others to take activism to a crab-grassroots level. I'll keep going to Toastmasters to improve my motivational speaking skills. If that doesn't work, I'll make friends with some committee-sitter who knows how to send other drones to my aid.
Either way I'm prepared to keep getting down and dirty. Are you?
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