Enough Already!
If you believe the story
that all of us were told,
or see an allegory,
then might I be so bold
as to suggest you give heed
to what I have to say?
Love is really all we need
to get on Christmas Day.
While Covid makes you lonely
and may have cramped your style,
stay with your household only
and try to find your smile.
It's an exaggeration
to say there can't be cheer
without big celebration
in this pandemic year.
If you are hale and able
to buy a bird to roast;
though few sit at your table
you're better off than most.
So try to find your merry,
admire the stars above -
life is extraordinary
if all you get is love.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, December 21, 2020
Like the rest of you, this isn't the Christmas I wanted. Our family has always had quiet, insular Christmas celebrations with our immediate family, but I started this year with high hopes of hosting friends from Brazil. I spent the first few months thinking of fun things we could do together, and the next several months hoping that somehow this pandemic would end quickly enough that it might still happen. By August I had given up on that dream.
2020 has been a year of major adjustments for our family. The year started with my mom having serious health issues. As a result she decided (reluctantly) to move to assisted living. Half of her possessions were moved into her new place when all of those plans were put on hold in mid-March. Her life, and the lives of myself and two siblings were rather chaotic for several months as a result.
If that wasn't enough drama in the midst of a pandemic, my son's marriage broke up too. It was a quick clean cut - a shock to the system, and the fact I had been blissfully ignorant of his unhappiness made me feel inadequate as a parent. The one bright spot in the midst of this change was that he planned to come home for Christmas, and for several months I hoped that I'd have guests from Brazil, my younger son, and then possibly his new girlfriend as well, all here for Christmas!
This was going to be a once in a lifetime kind of Christmas, and naturally I'm a bit blue that it isn't going as planned.
I grew up in a family with five siblings, two parents who loved to entertain, and a grandmother - all under one roof. Christmas in our household was fun, busy, chaotic and filled with good food and entertainment. When I married an only child (with a mother who never even bothered to put up a Christmas tree!) - my big family Christmases ended. It was a mutual decision between my husband and myself. When we first married, I worked retail and he was a graduate student. We didn't own a car, and each got four days off over Christmas, so it just didn't make sense to spend money we didn't have on bus tickets to the Soo, and spend two of those precious days traveling. In honesty, I think my husband was every bit as reluctant to be bombarded with a noisy household full of Floods as I was to spend four days in Windsor with a mother-in-law I had dubbed "the Grinch". We made the difficult decision to stay put and have our Christmases alone, telling our parents that we would be happy to host them in future years. It's a decision neither of us has regretted.
That first Christmas was difficult - partly because we both had the flu and ate nothing but chicken soup! The following year we were busy with a three month old baby, and the year after we had a toddler and a newborn! Christmas with my own little family became the new normal. Making the season fun for my boys became my first priority. We developed our own rituals and borrowed liberally from Flood family traditions. I'll even confess that when my sons were young I was secretly relieved that I didn't have to monitor their sugared up high spirits on Christmas Day in front of their somewhat crotchety grandfather.
After my father died, when my sons were eight and nine, we took our place in my mother's Christmas visiting rotation. It was gratifying to host my mom, and to have her help, and her company, in the kitchen over the holidays. (Too much time alone in the kitchen has always been my only complaint about doing "our own" Christmas.)
I love our quiet family celebrations - the very same kind of celebration that most of you are balking at this year! I understand the appeal of lots of friends and family, of parties and noise and lots of laughter - those were the Christmases of my childhood - however, I can attest to the fact that quieter celebrations with only the people who ordinarily dwell under your roof can be just as wonderful. Granted, most of those Christmases we had a few parties and concerts to attend, and those are things we will all miss this year. Still, the internet has more offerings than ever right now, and we can watch performances by some of the best musicians in the world without purchasing expensive tickets, traveling to far flung venues or putting on pants!
My husband and I get along well, and we both enjoy an easy, relaxed rapport with our sons. I am beyond grateful for that, especially knowing that these last nine months have been very difficult for people who live with difficult situations and relationships at home. I know that familiarity can breed contempt, but if you are so sick of our husband or kids that Christmas alone with them seems like dire punishment, then you have much bigger problems in your life than too few guests at your beautifully set table.
This is the year to connect more creatively. Since May, we have been having a weekly video chat and game playing night with our son in Boston. A few times, one of the students we hosted from Brazil joined in too! I am so grateful for the technology that enables these fun evenings; for messages that can be exchanged almost instantaneously, and the baking tutorials and recipe exchanges that allow my son to have a taste of home while living in the United States.
Christmas isn't cancelled because the entire clan can't gather under one roof! Like so many other things in our lives, our attitude toward the holidays this year determines the outcome.
That brings me to the second half of this post...
Last year (after a few really difficult winters), I came to the sad reality that SAD is a reality in my life. I have experienced mental illness first hand, and observed long term depression in a loved one for years. When you are in the grip of depression, you aren't able to just "buck up" and "change your attitude" on a dime. In 2019, I basically became a hermit as soon as the days started becoming short and dark, so nine months of relative isolation (as in being isolated except for the closest relatives, lol) has seemed a lot more like about fourteen months for me. Being fairly introverted has made this bearable, but I still really miss seeing friends from less than two metres away, and getting the occasional hug from someone other than my husband, son or mother.
I don't enjoy having to keep my distance all the time, but because my conscience is healthy, and my mental health sometimes fragile, I know that if I infected someone around me with Covid-19 because I felt I "needed" a hug, that would be more danger to my mental health than wearing a mask and maintaining physical distance ever could.
While I'm in confession mode, I'll also admit to being more than a touch claustrophobic. I don't enjoy wearing a mask, but again, I see it as a necessity. I have a strong constitution, and I know it's a distinct possibility that I could be Covid-19 positive and carry this virus to someone else by getting too close to them. My husband tells me that if fear of harming others was graded on a scale from one to ten I would be at least a nine point five. It is worth an hour of discomfort to mask up before I buy groceries, run errands or go anywhere in public.
By necessity, this Christmas will be unlike any other we will celebrate. That doesn't mean it has to be horrible. We can still visit friends and family - outside, and from a safe distance. We can still have fun - with the people we live with. We can be stoic about not giving others the hugs we crave too, because we want all of us to be around to give and receive hugs for many years to come.
Most of you will have my usual Christmas this year. It's not so bad. I will have my usual Christmas this year too, and while I'll be sad about not seeing my son and his girlfriend, or hosting guests from Brazil, I will be satisfied to know that by living in accordance with current restrictions, and more importantly following my conscience, I am keeping myself and others as safe as I can.
I will find some "merry" because I am fortunate; I love the people I live with, and I know I am protecting those I don't live with by forgoing hugs and holiday meals.
Let's stop complaining. Enough is enough. Believe me when I say it one more time - our sacrifices are our surest and best way of showing love.
Love is all we really need to find some joy in this holiday season.
