Friendship Defined
Reciprocal treatment -
that's how it's defined -
respect for opinions
not always aligned.
Whatever you dish out
you ought to expect;
and sometimes behaviors
you need to correct.
Not once will I tell you
we'll always agree -
and I will assume
I am free to be me.
I don't believe friendship
is tied up in strings -
we really don't need to
like all the same things.
If you can't respect me
for not telling lies,
or never pretending
or donning disguise,
then I am mistaken
in calling you "friend" -
and your definition
I can't comprehend.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, June 2017
I value friendships. As far as I'm concerned, if you were ever my friend I'm prepared to keep on caring about you. It doesn't really matter that we've lived different lives and gone in different directions for decades - if I once enjoyed your company I'm happy enough to keep considering you my friend.
Liking people isn't all that hard. Some are easy to like because they're kind. Others have undeniably admirable traits - like honesty, or compassion. Sometimes you feel drawn to people because they are witty and amusing, or because they are brilliant conversationalists. Common experiences can bring people together, as can common interests or simple physical proximity. I don't expect all of my neighbours to become close friends, but I'm sure appreciative when they're consistently friendly. (Thank you, Atwood neighbours!)
I don't have strict criteria for friendship - you don't need to be the same age as me, the same size as me, or go to the same church as me. You don't need to vote for the same political party. But you do need to give me the right to be who I am. You do need to accept that I'm not going to pretend to agree with you when I don't. I promise I'll do the same for you.
I try to view the people I meet as potential friends. In my experience, first impressions don't matter all that much. Some people, who I didn't like all that much when we first met, ended up becoming good friends. Other times, those who seemed like they could become great friends just didn't seem like a very good fit when I got to know them better. Therefore I try not to be too hasty about deciding who might become a friend - you just never know who might end up winning you over with their kindness or generosity.
I'm a pretty outspoken person, but I try to be diplomatic. I know certain areas of conversation are dicey with most people. I understand that there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Sadly, I've come to understand that a lot of people don't understand the reciprocal nature of friendship, so I'm going to lay out what I see as a few very basic suggestions to keep friendships harmonious.
1) Family is Sacred
There's truth to the statement that blood is thicker than water. We all have family problems at times, and while a friend may vent about children or spouse, it's never wise to add your own two cents worth. I call it "The Family Rule" - I can complain about my husband or kids, but you can't. Oh, you can make sympathetic noises and say things like, "That doesn't seem fair!" or, "I'd feel the same way", or talk about how you experienced something similar with your husband or child once. But as soon as you say something along the lines of, "Well, I always knew your kid was weird" or, "I think your husband would be a better person if...", you've crossed a line. I don't know why this rule isn't obvious to everybody. (By the way, family has a hierarchy. A sibling should never be too critical of another sibling's spouse or child, or they risk damaging relationships.)
Unless you're open to the idea of a free-for-all, button your lips.
Family comes first - always. I once had a friend get angry with me when I politely stated disagreement with an ideology he was aggressively arguing for. (This was labeled an "attack".) In the meantime, this person had the gall to give me a rather scathing analysis of close members of my family, including people he'd never met, and thought nothing of it. Needless to say, when the individual concerned was completely unapologetic, in spite of the fact that I'd expressed how hurt I was by these comments, the friendship was over. I could live with the fact that we didn't see eye to eye, but simply couldn't condone his treatment, and harsh criticism, of my family.
2) Criticism isn't a One Way Street
If you feel free to criticize your friends then you should be able to accept criticism from them. This is a pretty basic extension of the "Do unto others" rule. I have strong opinions about many things, but - by golly, I try to reign them in - not offer them up too freely. Yet somehow, I'm often left feeling that a whole lot of people seem to see me as an improvement project - a weak-willed woman who is just begging to be critiqued and advised. If I ask for your opinion on my make-up, my parenting, my fashion sense...feel free to offer it. But the way I see it, if I can manage to not be too critical, you should be able to manage it too. Compliments go a whole lot farther than criticism.
3) Respect Matters
I've always maintained that friends don't need to agree on everything. You don't need to accept my political views, but I'd rather not be told that I'm stupid for having my own ideas about what I like or dislike. (Stupid isn't a word I toss around lightly, and so it's best that you don't lob it at me.) I'd rather not hear people labeled "precious little snowflakes" because they find some things objectionable. You can hold to your own opinions, but be kind about it.
4) Don't be Hypocritical
If you're the kind of person who can easily adopt a redneck persona and a Popeye "I yam what I yam" attitude, you better be prepared to get back what you dish out. If you want to be accepted for what you are, you need to be prepared to be accepting of others. If you don't want honest answers, don't ask. Don't invite discussion if you can't handle contrary opinions. Don't claim friendship while refusing to engage. Don't complain about others taking offense if you're quick to be offended too.
5) Let People Feel What They Feel
Some people have a hard time expressing emotion, and others don't. I laugh and cry easily. I laugh at lame jokes and cry over television programs. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, however, it doesn't mean I'm emotionally unstable. If I can't laugh and cry in front of you without ridicule, we can't be friends.
Sometimes we're all poor communicators and simply can't find the right words. It's better to say nothing, and let your actions speak for you, than to speak hastily and thoughtlessly.
"You shouldn't feel that way!" is a phrase nobody ever wants to hear. We all have a right to feel sad sometimes; to shed tears of frustration, or to get angry every now and then. Go ahead and let out a cathartic expletive when you break something or burn your supper - I won't judge you for it. I won't tell you that you shouldn't feel depressed or anxious either. When you talk to me, I know you aren't putting the burden of "fixing" you on my shoulders. All we need to do when friends get emotional is listen - maybe offer encouragement, and pass the tissues!
6) Be Loyal
Let your friends know you care about them. Be there when they need you, and let them know you appreciate them. Stand up for them when they feel misunderstood. Be tolerant of their imperfections. Be happy for them when they succeed, and be sympathetic when they don't. Be available when they need to talk, and listen before you reply. Keep their secrets. Be forgiving - everybody has an off day every now and then. Apologize when you're wrong. Build up their confidence when it lags. Speak kindly of them in front of others.
Friendship takes time.
I'm not a person who trusts easily. I've had my share of disappointment from friends who couldn't seem to grasp a few simple friendship standards that seem intuitive to me. I don't expect to meet people and feel immediate intimacy. Finding friends you can trust is worth the investment of time and patience it requires.
When you open yourself to friendship you take risks. You offer a little bit of your heart and hope that the other party will do the same in return. You hope you can become a trusted confidant, a listening ear, and a strong shoulder to cry on. You hope that whatever you have to offer will be appreciated - and yes, eventually rewarded with reciprocal offerings.
I am grateful to all of the people in my life who have offered sincere friendship. I'm not always easy to love, but I'm loyal. I have your back. If you love me, you can rest assured that I'll love you back. I'm happy to return kindness for kindness.
Whatever you have to offer, I'll try to reciprocate - because that's what friendship is.
Thursday 15 June 2017
Friday 2 June 2017
The Things We Think We've Lost - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
The Things We Think We've Lost
No grief we bear could ever be as bad
as losing something that we never had.
Reality cannot maintain the gloss
of golden coloured dreams made out of dross,
and history in truth appears quite mean
compared to visions of "what might have been."
Thus no real loss in life is ever grieved
so much as all the falseness we believed -
and nothing else could ever match the cost
of all those things we think we might have lost.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, December 2006
These past few days I've been contemplating what to share in this blog post. (Sometimes I know as soon as I've put up one post what I'll be sharing next, and other times - like now - I spend days mulling over what I might share.) As I reviewed my poetry books to find some rhyming tidbit that would send my Muse in the right direction, I re-read this verse and it hit a nerve.
We endure a lot of loss over the course of a lifetime. A lot of these loses are undeniable. People die. Fortunes are lost. People lose arms, legs, mental capacity, and senses. Some will lose eyesight, others their ability to hear the world around them. These are the kinds of losses that deserve to be mourned. When these things happen, we know life will never be the same. We will hopefully learn to adapt to our changed circumstances, but it won't be easy. We'll wake up for months or years knowing that we have a struggle ahead of us - another day to slog through in hopes of seeing some small bit of progress. We'll be sad for a long time.
But sometimes we're too quick to mourn and resign ourselves to sadness. Consider the following statements:
"I lost confidence."
"I lost my nerve."
"I lost my talent."
"I lost my will to keep going."
"I lost hope."
"I lost my youthfulness." (Or "my figure")
"I lost my mind."
"I lost my heart."
"I lost faith."
"I lost it." (We want control - right? No displays of temper or tears!)
It's likely we've all said these things - or made similar comments. I doubt that I'm alone in thinking these defeatist thoughts and complaining about things I don't seem to have anymore. One bad experience, one broken relationship, one little setback on the career front, one little temper tantrum - and we're ready to throw in the towel. We'll be full of regret as we trudge along, thoroughly convinced that we've lost something that can't ever be replaced.
As I read through old poems today I saw a lot of that kind of regret. I'm too quick to raise up lamentations. No - I don't look as good as I did half a lifetime ago. Yup - I'm a few sizes bigger than I was a decade ago. And I probably lose my temper too often, and sometimes I think I'm losing my mind...but what have I really lost? My face has aged - and I should be glad I've lived long enough to see a wrinkle or two. My body has changed - but it's strong and healthy. My mind might be less sharp than it was, but who doesn't suffer from an occasional middle-aged moment in their mid-fifties? Maybe I'll suffer the odd blow to my ego that will make me lose confidence, nerve, or faith in myself - for a while. I might lose my cool today, but I might shock myself with my ability to be calm and in control tomorrow. Here today, gone tomorrow can just as easily be gone today, here tomorrow.
Confidence can come back - just as easily as you lose your nerve you can find it again - with the right motivation. Hope, heart, faith, determination - you can find them all, time and time again, if you're willing to keep looking. Like so many other things in life, these losses are a matter of perception and attitude. We "lose" these things because we tell ourselves we've lost them.
On the other hand, a lot of the things we get really bent out of shape over "losing" were never ours in the first place.
You can't really lose your heart. As long as it beats you've got another crack at love.
You can't lose a race. When you enter a race, and you win, place, or cross the finish line long after the onlookers have thinned, you don't lose. Losing only happens when you talked yourself out of competing in the first place - when you say, "I could never do that." Or tell yourself, "I'm not good enough..." Trust me - opportunities are something you can lose, but they aren't limited. They're like buses - if you miss one, there's always another - eventually. You never know what lies in store - Whistler's mother probably never suspected she'd become a painter when her son was just a tyke.
You might lose faith in one thing only to discover that you have truckloads of faith in something else. Likewise, you can lose faith in one person, but learn that most of humanity is pretty decent. I don't believe that people suddenly lose faith in everything - we just take the faith we've always had and reinvest it somewhere else.
You can't lose a chance if you never had a chance in the first place. You can't lose confidence if you never had it either. And if you ever had it, it will come back when you least expect it to.
You can give in to all of your regrets - and waste years regretting all your wasted years. But isn't it better to just forgive yourself and forge ahead? Life is wasted when we dwell on self recriminations. It's too easy to fixate on the "could haves and should haves" instead of staying focused on what we can do now to prevent more regrets tomorrow.
Years ago you probably cried hardest when you thought the guy who broke up with you was a better catch than he actually was. You got angry when you thought you were going to get the promotion. You became depressed and anxious because you thought life was going to go a lot smoother than it did. But truthfully, that guy never deserved you, the person who got the promotion was a shoo-in before the job was even posted, and if you'd been paying attention to the road ahead - instead of feeling entitled to a life of ease - you would've seen the potholes before they bottomed out your soul.
Cynics will tell you that reality bites, but I'm here to tell you the opposite. Reality can, should be, and sometimes even IS, pretty great. It's worth the effort to spend time engaged with reality. It's our own grandiose imaginations, and the expectations they create, that make us perceive losses in our lives where there are none. Our manufactured illusions (and delusions) are the hardest things to part with.
When I was a child I believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Then I gradually realized that my parents were responsible for all the Christmas gifts I got, all the quarters under my pillow, and all the treats I got at Easter. I might've been a bit let down for a while, but my parents were probably a bit sad that I figured it out too. After all, pretending was fun for all of us. But once I discovered that my parents were the ones making the necessary efforts and sacrifices, I learned the valuable lesson of gratitude. I began to understand why I might not get the expensive items I requested - they had six kids and limited resources. They didn't always hit the gift-giving nail on the head, but they tried. And when I got exactly what I wanted or needed, I knew who to thank.
You aren't perfect, your spouse isn't perfect, and your life is probably far from ideal. (Nobody's life is, no matter how good it looks on social media.) You won't likely get everything you think you want. The extravagant, pie-in-the-sky items on your wish list might not ever appear. So where does that leave you?
It doesn't leave you anywhere. It puts you right where you are, here and now. It makes you one of the vast populace of ordinary people who just keep trying to get their lives right. Maybe you like where you are, and maybe you don't. If you do, stay put. If you don't, change something. Find another vantage point if you can't go where the scenery is more appealing. Adjust your way of looking at the world.
There's plenty of happiness and success, however you define those words, to go around. Maybe you think that because someone else seems to be winning at life, you must be losing. What we all need to remember is that there are infinite ways to "win", and the points that somebody else scores today don't subtract from the points you can possibly rack up tomorrow.
So embrace life as it is. Look in the mirror and be happy with the body you have today. Be happy with who you are now, even though you're not perfect. Give your imperfect spouse a big kiss and be grateful that they like you enough to hang around. Then get out there and engage with the great big imperfect world. You might even find a few ways to improve it!
Life isn't over. You're doing better than you thought, and you have most of what you need. Your life isn't about losing - it's about what you're finding, discovering and becoming.
You're going to win.
No grief we bear could ever be as bad
as losing something that we never had.
Reality cannot maintain the gloss
of golden coloured dreams made out of dross,
and history in truth appears quite mean
compared to visions of "what might have been."
Thus no real loss in life is ever grieved
so much as all the falseness we believed -
and nothing else could ever match the cost
of all those things we think we might have lost.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, December 2006
These past few days I've been contemplating what to share in this blog post. (Sometimes I know as soon as I've put up one post what I'll be sharing next, and other times - like now - I spend days mulling over what I might share.) As I reviewed my poetry books to find some rhyming tidbit that would send my Muse in the right direction, I re-read this verse and it hit a nerve.
We endure a lot of loss over the course of a lifetime. A lot of these loses are undeniable. People die. Fortunes are lost. People lose arms, legs, mental capacity, and senses. Some will lose eyesight, others their ability to hear the world around them. These are the kinds of losses that deserve to be mourned. When these things happen, we know life will never be the same. We will hopefully learn to adapt to our changed circumstances, but it won't be easy. We'll wake up for months or years knowing that we have a struggle ahead of us - another day to slog through in hopes of seeing some small bit of progress. We'll be sad for a long time.
But sometimes we're too quick to mourn and resign ourselves to sadness. Consider the following statements:
"I lost confidence."
"I lost my nerve."
"I lost my talent."
"I lost my will to keep going."
"I lost hope."
"I lost my youthfulness." (Or "my figure")
"I lost my mind."
"I lost my heart."
"I lost faith."
"I lost it." (We want control - right? No displays of temper or tears!)
It's likely we've all said these things - or made similar comments. I doubt that I'm alone in thinking these defeatist thoughts and complaining about things I don't seem to have anymore. One bad experience, one broken relationship, one little setback on the career front, one little temper tantrum - and we're ready to throw in the towel. We'll be full of regret as we trudge along, thoroughly convinced that we've lost something that can't ever be replaced.
As I read through old poems today I saw a lot of that kind of regret. I'm too quick to raise up lamentations. No - I don't look as good as I did half a lifetime ago. Yup - I'm a few sizes bigger than I was a decade ago. And I probably lose my temper too often, and sometimes I think I'm losing my mind...but what have I really lost? My face has aged - and I should be glad I've lived long enough to see a wrinkle or two. My body has changed - but it's strong and healthy. My mind might be less sharp than it was, but who doesn't suffer from an occasional middle-aged moment in their mid-fifties? Maybe I'll suffer the odd blow to my ego that will make me lose confidence, nerve, or faith in myself - for a while. I might lose my cool today, but I might shock myself with my ability to be calm and in control tomorrow. Here today, gone tomorrow can just as easily be gone today, here tomorrow.
Confidence can come back - just as easily as you lose your nerve you can find it again - with the right motivation. Hope, heart, faith, determination - you can find them all, time and time again, if you're willing to keep looking. Like so many other things in life, these losses are a matter of perception and attitude. We "lose" these things because we tell ourselves we've lost them.
On the other hand, a lot of the things we get really bent out of shape over "losing" were never ours in the first place.
You can't really lose your heart. As long as it beats you've got another crack at love.
You can't lose a race. When you enter a race, and you win, place, or cross the finish line long after the onlookers have thinned, you don't lose. Losing only happens when you talked yourself out of competing in the first place - when you say, "I could never do that." Or tell yourself, "I'm not good enough..." Trust me - opportunities are something you can lose, but they aren't limited. They're like buses - if you miss one, there's always another - eventually. You never know what lies in store - Whistler's mother probably never suspected she'd become a painter when her son was just a tyke.
You might lose faith in one thing only to discover that you have truckloads of faith in something else. Likewise, you can lose faith in one person, but learn that most of humanity is pretty decent. I don't believe that people suddenly lose faith in everything - we just take the faith we've always had and reinvest it somewhere else.
You can't lose a chance if you never had a chance in the first place. You can't lose confidence if you never had it either. And if you ever had it, it will come back when you least expect it to.
You can give in to all of your regrets - and waste years regretting all your wasted years. But isn't it better to just forgive yourself and forge ahead? Life is wasted when we dwell on self recriminations. It's too easy to fixate on the "could haves and should haves" instead of staying focused on what we can do now to prevent more regrets tomorrow.
Years ago you probably cried hardest when you thought the guy who broke up with you was a better catch than he actually was. You got angry when you thought you were going to get the promotion. You became depressed and anxious because you thought life was going to go a lot smoother than it did. But truthfully, that guy never deserved you, the person who got the promotion was a shoo-in before the job was even posted, and if you'd been paying attention to the road ahead - instead of feeling entitled to a life of ease - you would've seen the potholes before they bottomed out your soul.
Cynics will tell you that reality bites, but I'm here to tell you the opposite. Reality can, should be, and sometimes even IS, pretty great. It's worth the effort to spend time engaged with reality. It's our own grandiose imaginations, and the expectations they create, that make us perceive losses in our lives where there are none. Our manufactured illusions (and delusions) are the hardest things to part with.
When I was a child I believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Then I gradually realized that my parents were responsible for all the Christmas gifts I got, all the quarters under my pillow, and all the treats I got at Easter. I might've been a bit let down for a while, but my parents were probably a bit sad that I figured it out too. After all, pretending was fun for all of us. But once I discovered that my parents were the ones making the necessary efforts and sacrifices, I learned the valuable lesson of gratitude. I began to understand why I might not get the expensive items I requested - they had six kids and limited resources. They didn't always hit the gift-giving nail on the head, but they tried. And when I got exactly what I wanted or needed, I knew who to thank.
You aren't perfect, your spouse isn't perfect, and your life is probably far from ideal. (Nobody's life is, no matter how good it looks on social media.) You won't likely get everything you think you want. The extravagant, pie-in-the-sky items on your wish list might not ever appear. So where does that leave you?
It doesn't leave you anywhere. It puts you right where you are, here and now. It makes you one of the vast populace of ordinary people who just keep trying to get their lives right. Maybe you like where you are, and maybe you don't. If you do, stay put. If you don't, change something. Find another vantage point if you can't go where the scenery is more appealing. Adjust your way of looking at the world.
There's plenty of happiness and success, however you define those words, to go around. Maybe you think that because someone else seems to be winning at life, you must be losing. What we all need to remember is that there are infinite ways to "win", and the points that somebody else scores today don't subtract from the points you can possibly rack up tomorrow.
So embrace life as it is. Look in the mirror and be happy with the body you have today. Be happy with who you are now, even though you're not perfect. Give your imperfect spouse a big kiss and be grateful that they like you enough to hang around. Then get out there and engage with the great big imperfect world. You might even find a few ways to improve it!
Life isn't over. You're doing better than you thought, and you have most of what you need. Your life isn't about losing - it's about what you're finding, discovering and becoming.
You're going to win.
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