I Dreamed - I Woke
I dreamed last night of sunshine bright,
and rain that stayed away -
my heart was light, I felt alright
and found some words to say.
I dreamed about a life without
much worry on my mind;
with no self doubt words would come out
and cares I'd leave behind.
I woke to know it wasn't so -
no epic would I pen -
that words might flow, but even so
they'd surely cease again.
I woke to feel something more real;
when expectations high -
crush under heel, I wish that zeal
could grant me wings to fly!
I woke today, and said, "No way -
it's just too much, too soon,
and it's okay, by light of day
to not expect the moon."
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, November 28, 2019
When I was younger I used to enjoy a television sketch on Mad TV called "Lowered Expectations". It was a spoof on "personal ads", which were the paper based forerunner of online dating sites. (Yeah - I know that's proof that I'm old!) Youthful and naive, I wondered why anyone would ever consider using a dating service that urged people to keep their expectations low - it seemed like such a preposterous idea at the time!
Now I get it.
We live in an era where we are always pushed to aim high - to be successful in every endeavor, and dating is no exception. Don't the unattached among us "deserve" to be with the hottest companions, just by virtue of putting a nicely edited photo up on a dating site? Then, (of course!) they will swipe on other carefully edited and staged - and perhaps outright ancient or "borrowed" - photos, and decide, based on looks and a few texting sessions, whether they have met "a match". Needless to say, pairings based on such shallow criteria might yield a good romp or two, but seldom have the same staying power as people who opt to dig a little deeper to find some common ground before declaring "couplehood."
Perhaps these "singletons" would be better off if they were willing to lower their expectations in the looks department, and raise them in other areas.
We are inundated with messages from that if we aren't constantly moving forward we must be lagging behind. There is no respect for the idea of a pause from time to time. "Just do something - anything - but don't you dare stand still! Keep your chin up, aim for the top spot, and don't question yourself!"
We are told that we should be good at everything - and if we aren't it's because we aren't trying hard enough.
We are surrounded by well meaning cheerleaders, who feed us a steady stream of catchy slogans telling us that we should always be upbeat and optimistic, because "Happiness is a choice."
We are urged to be productive all the time, and told that our achievements determine our success.
"Do, or do not" - said a well meaning Yoda to his young apprentice - "there is no try". Our lofty expectations were forged in the fire of good intentions. As much as Yoda was an admirable mentor, he seemed to miss the point that making and attempt - or"trying"- to accomplish something is forward movement in and of itself. Truthfully, we are all blissfully ignorant about what we need to do next a whole lot of the time, and I've concluded that my own failed attempts - my "tries" - often initiated a change of course that put me on the right path of "doing". There is no shame in trying - and perhaps failing. Where would all of the innovators be if they didn't take a stab at something new or "try" to do the same old thing in a brand new way?
I'll tell you where - nowhere. They'd be paralyzed by the fear of being a "trier", and not a "doer" like so many of us who were raised to think that making an attempt didn't count as legitimate effort. It's a whole lot easier to know what you ought to do when you've figured out - through trial and error - what isn't going to work.
The irony is that "trying" is both a hiss and a byword, and a club to beat us over the head with. We really are expected to be in a constant state of self improvement, home improvement, attitude improvement, intellectual improvement - you name it. The tools are all readily available to us online. What can't we learn from our vast menu of online improvement entrees? YouTube videos, Pinterest suggestions, Facebook news feed - they all serve up a feast for the soul who seeks betterment.
If you aren't improving, you really aren't "trying" hard enough.
If only life was as easy as all of the pop psychologists have told us it should be! The truth, as I see it, is that life is full of times when we should stop frantically pushing forward and pause to assess where we are. We don't need to produce endlessly, or to always be looking for ways to acquire more. Sometimes we can be satisfied with less, and there is no shame in choosing to simplify life and slow our constant quest for more and better things, more exciting experiences, and more acclaim from the masses - especially from online "followers" who may not have any idea how carefully constructed our Facebook facades may be.
We are not our online profiles. We are not our best photographs, poems, or most liked status updates. We can't measure our success by how many online "likes" we get on any given day. We are not our best stories, our medals or trophies, our pretty houses or gardens.
A few of our expectations need to change.
Every selfie posted on social media must conceal our flaws, and all of our family photos are meticulously staged. We post pictures of our culinary masterpieces but neglect to put up the pictures of the burnt offerings we feed our families. We proudly boast of our children's achievements, but forget to mention that they repeated fourth year twice to get those stellar grades, or that while "Johnny" was heading off to Harvard, "Jimmy" was doing a stint in reform school - or even "just" attending community college.
The expectations parents have placed on their children to all get a university education need to be altered. Every teenager isn't suited for university, and shouldn't be pushed in that direction in an era when tradesmen are desperately in need of apprentices. We need retail clerks, factory workers, farmers and firemen, and in a society where most households can only stay afloat on two incomes, both people might as well be doing something they can stand doing.
The idea that happiness is an expectation needs to be altered. We are allowed to feel discouraged sometimes, to feel uncertainty occasionally, and to not be eternally optimistic and full of giddy excitement and happiness. Our ancestors didn't go through life expecting everything to be "fun", or expecting to be perpetually happy. They worked long hard days and were thrilled when they had a rare opportunity to enjoy some form of simple, social entertainment. (As in honest to goodness face-to-face interaction with other hardworking folk.) They tried to get along with each other, regardless of who voted what way or went to which church. They were smart enough to understand that they might need each other someday, so they tried not to alienate their neighbours. They understood the value of genuine human connection.
When we send out the message that all should "choose to be happy", we disenfranchise the grieving, the physically suffering, the depressed, the mentally ill, and the impoverished. We tell them their pain doesn't matter, and that they should forge on without complaint. We spread this gospel of chronic, toxic optimism in the name of "being positive" but more often than not we simply don't want to acknowledge that there are those who simply have little to be happy about, or who are so deeply entrenched in one sort of misery or another that happiness seems like a far off goal, if in fact they can envision any degree of happiness at all.
The notion that some simply don't "choose" to be happy seems like a classic case of victim blaming.
How can we alter expectations that have grown to epic proportions - cut them down to a manageable size?
I have a few suggestions. (You knew I would, right?)
Slow down and enjoy the journey you are on without being constantly focused on some "destination". Don't be afraid to explore when you are faced with detours, or to stop and enjoy the scenery when there are roadblocks.
Forego Facebook for face-time. Remember - it is FACEbook, not Thoughtbook, Truthbook or Heartbook, and nobody can really get to know you by reading your posts, looking at your pictures or laughing at your memes. Re-engage with friends, family, nature, art, live music, board games, foolishness, adventure and occasionally boredom. Yeah - it's okay to be idle from time to time - to watch the clouds, to close your eyes and daydream.
Spend some time in solitude. Read books. Keep a journal. Meditate. Spend time alone with your thoughts. Spend time identifying and accepting your feelings - even the negative ones. Maybe even especially the negative ones. You are allowed to feel what you feel, and you can't be expected to "deal with" issues you are afraid to acknowledge. Feelings aren't bad, but when we push them down they push back, urging us to make rash decisions, to self-medicate, or to behave badly, injuring ourselves and those around us.
When we learn to alter our expectations - to lower some of them, and elevate others - we will accept ourselves, our neighbours, our lives, our problems and our opportunities in a more satisfying, unifying and healthy way.
I'm expecting my expectations to change. Are you?
