De-bating E-dating (By Sharon Flood Kasenberg)

Whenever I talk to single friends who are trying to navigate the modern dating scene I'm grateful that my dating years are far FAR behind me and that they occurred in a simpler era. Mind you, I'm the first to admit that my dating experience was limited. I was never the teenager who had a date lined up every second night, or even every weekend.  No, I was the girl who (for the most part) warmed the wallflower bench and held out hope that sooner or later the right guy would show up and see something in me that warranted investigation.

A few did just that before the "keeper" came along. Two fairly lengthy relationships, interspersed with a lone date here or there and those short-term "things" that one never knows how to label in retrospect. I married at 26, which by LDS  (Mormon) standards is (or at least in those days was) heading toward "Old Maid" territory. There were times when I wondered if the right man would ever come along. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it didn't matter that it took a while - I was young, and time was one thing I had to spare.

Life was different then. People were less wary of each other and more sociable. If a friend "set you up" you felt you could take their word that the person was okay - not a secret pervert or an escapee from the asylum. He probably wouldn't try to rob or rape you.

You met people, waaaay back then, at school and at parties and dances and clubs (if you were daring enough to do that scene) and for most of us that worked just fine. Then you dated for quite a while before "getting physical" - that's just how it was.

Obviously the world is a different place. People have grown wary, and with good reason. During my dating years (from the late 70's to late 80's) AIDS was discovered, as well as a whole host of other nasty things that nobody had heard of before. Add that to the fact that sexual activity now starts a whole lot younger, and you begin to see why people feel that they need a biography and a medical screening from a potential partner before they can commence dating.

People are busier than ever before too. Those computers that became common fixtures in every office in the 80's soon became common fixtures in our homes too. Remember when we all thought that computers would give us a shorter work week? HA! Employers got wise to the fact that more work could be done faster and changed their expectations accordingly.  Most people I know work longer days than ever before and bring work home with them too, where they remain tethered to the office by their faithful cell phone. Which leaves them feeling that they don't have much time to themselves, and if they're single, little time to pursue dating.

Furthermore, most of the "e-daters" I've met are over forty and dealing with being single again after acquiring a few kids and a mortgage along the way. They need to stay busy to meet their financial and parental commitments. They appreciate now, that time is limited. Those golden years are around the corner, and most want someone to spend them with.

The younger set still have the same options that I did, but for those dating in their 40's and beyond those opportunities for meeting members of the opposite sex have largely dried up. Finding dates online begins to look like a viable option. (I find it interesting that the very culprit responsible for the lack of sociability in our lives has become the "solution" to the problem of how to meet people.) But at the same time I get it - desperate times call for desperate measures, and by reading  bios and engaging in a little "chat" and texting and a few phone calls you can root through those potential dating candidates faster, right?

Hmmm - a good question. I think that part of the problem now is that these sites offer so many potential "dates" that it can all be a bit overwhelming, especially once you factor into the equation the differences between how men and women think. Most women want romance and commitment and at least the possibility of love. They don't usually want sex until they're secure in the knowledge that they're in a committed relationship. Men, on the other hand, will often tell women on these sites that they want "something more" and while I'm sure some do, most are apt to want "things" to progress quickly. I remain convinced that men are more likely than women view sex as some sort of a relationship litmus test. For many men today, sex (probably on the third date) determines whether there will be a relationship.

Another problem with using technology to procure dates is knowing how much you can safely share. The sheer volume of information about all of us that floats in cyberspace is staggering. One too many shared facts can prove dangerous. With the click of a few buttons unscrupulous sorts with a bit of know how can quickly find out all kinds of things - like what income bracket you're in, how many kids you have and where you live. One friend told me that she never shares her real first name and profession for fear of being cyber-stalked. Small wonder that we hear about so many seniors (who are often shockingly naive about computer safe practices) being bilked out of their life-savings by these long-distance online-dating predators!

Now that I've given this some serious consideration let me demonstrate how I've poetically captured the "lighter side" of online dating. (Please note - these are fictional and highly exaggerated caricatures that show the "idealistic and romantic" views more often found in women, and the less than savory objectives of some men. She wants security and devotion, and he wants...!)

Profile: Single Woman (Hopeless Romantic)  By Sharon Flood Kasenberg (January 2007)

I am a single woman, divorced a time or two -
I'm looking for my soul mate - a perfect man might do.
He needs to be romantic, and handsome as can be;
gainfully employed so he can take good care of me!
He needs to be attentive, agree with all I say,
and purchase gifts and flowers for every special day.
In return I'll cherish him - he'll never be alone!
And when we're not together, we'll speak by telephone!
He'll tell me I'm perfection, both beautiful and smart,
and profess he's never loved with so much of his heart.
Then like a dime store romance, he'll kiss me and I'll swoon.
He'll gaze at me in wonder and promise me the moon.
He'll love me with devotion that might freak some girls out,
but that's just what I deserve - of this there is no doubt.
And surely when he finds me our romance will ensue,
leading soon to wedded bliss and dreams that all come true!

Poor dear! Sadly, this might be the most promising response she'll get...

Profile: Single Man (Old Coot!)   By Sharon Flood Kasenberg (January 2007)

I want to be your soul mate -
I'm looking for a wife.
I've no fear of commitment,
been married most my life.
Of course, I'm eighty-seven,
but I'm fit and active!
I hope to find a woman
slender and attractive.

Her age is not important
as long as she is spry
and wants to get romantic
with an experienced guy!
I've made a lot of money
(Which might sweeten the pot) -
I've outlived four homely wives;
I want one who is HOT!

No offense intended. And to my cyber-dating friends, happy hunting, and stay safe out there.

Motherhood, or Memories of My Orbit - by Sharon Flood Kasenberg

I am a mother of two sons - both grown, but coming and going from under our roof.  As I've contemplated writing a new post on motherhood I've struggled. How can I sum up almost twenty-four years of being a mom in a few short paragraphs and poems?

I chose to stay home with my children. I didn't make that choice because I was wildly in love with kids because I wasn't. (I'm still not - and don't apologize for that. Children are just un-grown people, and therefore deserve to be judged on their individual merits like the rest of us. How many people that you know gush about how much they love "people"? So there you have it - children are small people; some I love, some I don't, and many I can take or leave.) I tried to teach my kids to be the more tolerable kind. But I digress...

I didn't choose to stay at home because I'm too stupid to get a job, or because I married an ogre who browbeat me into making that decision. I opted to stay home because I wanted to be home for every milestone in my sons' lives. I wanted them to know that I'd be there when they came home from school, there when they wanted to have friends over - just there - period.

My decision came with consequences. We were poor when the boys were small. They wore hand-me-downs and sometimes I did too. I don't think any of us are emotionally scarred as a result. I taught them to look for red stickers and to recognize the word "s-a-l-e" early on. They didn't get everything they wanted. Small gifts (usually a dinky car or a small book) came as rewards for good behavior. Larger gifts were bestowed as birthday or Christmas gifts. They survived my frugality.

We didn't buy them video games and limited television watching and computer use. We didn't program them with a zillion activities. Some may think this amounts to deprivation, but my younger son recently thanked me for limiting his childhood screen time, and said he planned to do the same with his kids!

I think my sons would tell you that I taught them to love books and learning. As an impatient young mother I learned that the boys would settle down quickly when a story was offered. (When I really craved peace and quiet I read until I started to get hoarse) I think they'd tell you that I encouraged their imaginations by giving them crayons and building blocks and by playing with them as often as I could. I think they'd tell you that I encouraged a love of walking, and a love of nature when I tried to identify trees and flowers and patiently stood by while they threw rocks into any body of water we encountered.

Perhaps most importantly, I like to think they'd give me credit for teaching them to love each other. My sons were born twelve months and three weeks apart. Sam was too young to feel jealousy, and I always stressed that Dan was his brother. As soon as Dan was old enough to understand I'd tell them both how important a brother was. They heard that b-word so often that as small boys they often referred to each other as "Brother" instead of calling each other by name. (It was endearing.) Likewise, when they did fight the most effective way to end the spat was to place them in separate rooms. Within two minutes I would hear plaintive cries of " I want my brother!!"

I have such amazing memories of their childhood years...which leads me to the first poem I want to share today -

Memory (By Sharon Flood Kasenberg)

A memory, dear to me
I held you on my knee -
Silently I watched you sleep,
snuggled close, breathing deep.
You, a sleeping child of three
in tender memory.
Seldom had I seen you so -
teary-eyed, full of woe -
so consumed by need of me,
my fretful child of three.
A young mother, could I know
the speed at which you'd grow
when I held you near to me
a sleeping child of three?
Now, and in memory -
my child, so dear to me.

My sons may be "grown up", but I hope they're still growing and that I still have a role to play in their growth. I hope that someday the rest of the world sees everything in each of them that I do - their decency, their kindness, their intelligence and wit. I hope each develops the talents he was born with and adds in a few more along the way. And no matter how far they go I hope they both know that I'm there.

Happy Mother's Day everyone, and my you all enjoy your individual "orbit" !

Two Sons:  (By Sharon Flood Kasenberg July '06)

My planetary orbit
around two sons revolves -
my path parental duty
and all that it involves.
Maternal love encircles
as I my path pursue -
I hope it is apparent
in all I say and do.
My two sons illuminate
my planet's atmosphere.
They heat my world in winter
with laughter and good cheer.
(And my small seed of mother love
with light and warmth has grown -
expanding ever larger
when I have goodness sown.)
They sparkle in the night sky
far off among their peers
and when I see them shining
my soul is moved to tears.
Thus ever I'm encouraged
when circling in their light
to honor our creator
by shining just as bright.
My maternal prayer is this:
When they are fully grown
may their glow increase so it
lights worlds beyond my own.