Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow:
History lessons are hard to ignore -
it's hard to not dwell on what happened before,
but yesterday's folly's forgotten today.
All is forgiven; just choose a new way.
The past is behind you, it's time to move on.
Tomorrow's not here yet and yesterday's gone.
Youthful and foolish, you took a wrong turn.
Don't get discouraged - it's your day to learn.
The side trips and detours not planned on your route
have left you confused and have filled you with doubt -
but the plans you once made - they were not etched in stone,
and you'll cherish excursions you took on your own.
Today is the day you will struggle and fight -
you'll make some mistakes, but you'll get some things right.
Today you will reach - and perhaps you will fall,
but even with bruises you'll learn to stand tall.
Tomorrow you'll look back through much kinder eyes
forgiving the folly and choices less wise.
Tomorrow comes quickly, and when youth is gone,
with wisdom and mercy you'll see where you shone.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg - (from the unfinished files - completed March 2016)
Several weeks ago I posted an update on Facebook wherein I asked if anyone else ever wondered if they were even more insufferable in youth than they thought they were. Several people hit the like button, and a few made comments. Oddly, those who commented were people I have only good memories of - people who didn't seem insufferable to me in the slightest.
I've wondered a lot over the years about how I was perceived in my youth. I wasn't a rebel in any conventional sense. (Even in my youthful opinion, rules were important.) I was seldom overtly disrespectful or mean spirited, but there was often a tinge of resentful defiance in my choices. By my own admission, I was often guilty of demonstrating a negative attitude. I wasn't very comfortable in my own skin, and I tried very hard (waaay too hard!) to mask the fact. Sometimes I suspect that presented myself as a confusing mess of a portrait - a Picasso trying to pass as a Renoir.
I know I was a silly girl at times. Sometimes I wasted way too much time thinking about silly things and sometimes I engaged in petty squabbles with other silly young people. Sometimes I laughed at other people's oddities, ignoring the fact that I had plenty of my own. Other times, I laughed too hard at my own lame jokes - I was prone to nervous giggles, especially when I felt that I was facing those who dismissed me as nothing but a silly girl.
The truth is, I wasn't always silly. There were plenty of times when I laughed simply because it was a safer choice than crying. Actually, I was a very sensitive and serious girl who continually battled with self esteem issues. I never felt that I was pretty enough, good enough or smart enough. I compared myself to everyone I met, and most of the time I felt that my own light dimmed in comparison. I didn't like myself much a lot of the time, and it's hard to face life with a positive outlook when you harbour so much self doubt.
I was the girl who felt oddly detached at social functions, watching everyone around me have fun and wondering why playing the social butterfly was such a stretch for me. I was an introvert who tried too hard to be what I wasn't. I really wanted people to like me.
As I've aged I've tried to look back on my young self with more compassion. Now I can see things about younger me that I admire. I can see how shy, introverted people often felt at ease with me, and how many people felt that I was a safe person to share confidences with. Now I'm proud of the fact that the socially awkward "nerdy" guys always knew I'd talk to them and dance with them. I'm heartened that my younger self never worried about whether my friends all had slim bodies, perfect hair or awesome fashion sense. I'm grateful that my silliness never gave way to that kind of shallowness. (I once had an acquaintance chastise me for having (as she put it) "homely" friends. Even at the time her attitude astounded me, but thirty years later I'm still grateful that I used that as an opportunity to remind her that the most important part of anyone isn't the part that we see, and told her how much I admired the very fine people I was fortunate to call friends.)
Once I encountered a friend from my youth who told me she'd always remembered me as being kind. I hope that that compliment still fits, because I think it's the best praise I've ever received.
I'm trying harder to be kind to myself - the person I am now, and the person I was then. None of us are perfect. We all say and do stupid things and make bad choices from time to time. It's easier to be critical than it is to praise - and for many of us that's doubly true when it comes to ourselves. I don't beat myself up anymore for being silly when I was young, or for trying too hard to fit into the mold that I thought defined popularity and desirability. I've forgiven youthful me for being a little standoffish at times and giving in to jealousy more often than I should have. I've learned a lot - and I'm learning a lot now.
I still laugh too hard sometimes, but my outbursts of maniacal laughter have become balanced more often by free flowing tears. I'm not quite as afraid of looking vulnerable as I used to be. The emotions I express now are a lot more about satisfying me than they are about anyone or anything else. You don't need to get the joke or laugh when I do - you just need to respect my need to laugh. You don't need to share my tears, or even understand why I cry. Understanding and relating can be over-rated. You only need to let me feel whatever I feel. After all, I don't always feel the same way "young me" did, but I've found a way to love her anyway.
If you are still young - which to me means under thirty - and you're reading this post, take heart. Life really does get easier when you begin to accept the person you are, as opposed to trying to force yourself to be something else. Embrace the fact that you'll make a lot of mistakes over the next while - and that's okay. Be grateful for the fact that most of your big falls will be behind you before your bones get too brittle to mend well. Keep your eyes open when detours take you off the route you've planned, or you might miss some of the best scenery out there. Conversely, you may also miss some of the biggest perils - either way it's best to be alert. Try to like yourself now, in all your imperfect glory. You're probably a lot better at most things than you give yourself credit for. Believe me when I tell you that you'll improve with age - if that's what you want to do.
If you're roughly at the same stage in life as me, and you're reading this post - I hope you've reached a place where you can look back on your earlier incarnations generously. Sometimes you probably were insufferable, but you certainly weren't alone in making ignorant mistakes and demonstrating a few youthful quirks and foibles while you were finding yourself. You probably feel, as I do, that you wasted a lot of time on silly and mundane concerns when you were young and energetic - don't sweat it. Just keep igniting whatever bit of spark you still have in your soul, because by now you've probably got a decent grasp on what candles need to be lit. I hope you are kind to yourself, and that you give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Now that you've become aware of how quickly the days pass, try harder to live every moment more fully - and more joyfully. Spend more time in the present than revisiting the past or planning for the future.
If you're older than me, I hope you read this and think, "Ha - does she ever have a lot to learn!" Because if you're thinking that, it's proof to me that every day gives me another chance to get it right and grow wiser. It's comforting to know that I'm nowhere near my maximum potential yet.
Be kind to yourself, whatever stage of life you're in. Chances are, you're better and stronger than you were yesterday, and that bodes well for tomorrow.
