No "Merry" to Be Found
Sun shines on snow -
around you mirth -
but now you know
no peace on earth.
When grief descends
as Christmas nears,
reach out to friends
who'll dry your tears.
Give loved ones part
of load you bear -
they know your heart;
you know they care.
Humanity
grants us a gift,
when we see pain
we want to lift.
Our love is oft'
all we can share -
let hearts be soft;
show that you care.
Shine love on those
whose smiles are lost
for love bestows
gifts beyond cost.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, December 11, 2019
My first difficult Christmas occurred when I was seventeen. My Grandmother Flood, who was like a third parent to me, died on November 18th of that year. Our Christmas Season was understandably subdued. My grandmother had suffered a stroke two weeks before her death, and I spent those weeks taking my turn at her bedside, gradually losing hope that she would ever come home again. It was harrowing experience for a girl my age who had never lost anyone close to her. I fell behind on assignments for school, and did badly on exams that semester. I hesitantly approached one teacher - and was grateful to receive concern, compassion, and the needed extension from her.
I had a good friend whose family had suffered an even more devastating loss that year - the death of a young and vibrant family member - and she helped me get through that "unmerry" Christmas. I knew she understood the loss I was feeling, and from my experience with her I learned the difference between sympathy and empathy. All of my friends were sad for me, but she was sad with me. She truly understood the gaping hole in my heart because she had one too.
Nineteen years later my father died of a heart attack on December 5th. My relationship with him had always been somewhat complicated, and my sorrow was also complicated - by feelings of guilt. Why had I wasted so much of my life fighting with him? Had he died really knowing that I loved him?
While attending his funeral, three hours away from where I was then living, I missed an appointment with the Principal and Vice Principal of my sons' public school. It had completely skipped my mind in my rush to get to my mother and siblings. I hastily apologized and rescheduled the meeting when I returned home. As I entered the room where they both awaited, beginning to apologize for rescheduling, and, as I was about to offer an explanation, they gave each other a conspiratorial glance, and the Vice Principal cut me off -
"It's okay, we understand", she sneered. "Everyone is so busy with their shopping at this time of year!"
My jaw fell open in astonishment at her assumption, and I quickly explained that I hadn't even begun my shopping yet because I had been too busy planning and attending my father's funeral.
An uncomfortable silence preceded their shamefaced apologies. We had our meeting, and through all of those uncomfortable minutes that followed I hoped they had both learned a lesson about jumping to conclusions.
At this time of year, it is easy to assume that the person who seems disorganized and misses a meeting or leaves an assignment unfinished has a case of the holiday frazzles. It's easy to believe that the grumpy person ahead of you in line at the check outs "has no Christmas spirit!" The neighbour who doesn't want to come to your Christmas event or party is "Bah Humbug"...
We all make snap assumptions at times when the truth is far more complicated, and infinitely sadder. Death doesn't wait for the holidays to end, neither does any other tragedy, accident or illness. Doctors don't wait until the new year to give the grim diagnosis, and depression doesn't magically disappear with the first Christmas carol. In fact, winter in cold climates brings its own special brand of depression and anxiety into the mix - Seasonal Affective Disorder leaves millions feeling depressed each winter, and accounts for about 10% of all depression cases. During the holidays, marriages still break down, kids still get in trouble, and financial strains hurt more than ever.
There are a whole lot of reasons for people to feel stressed, depressed and dismayed at this time of year, and before we accuse anyone around us of dropping a wet blanket on our cheerful festivities we need to dig a little deeper into understanding what they might be experiencing. We need to reach out to others, and to try to be the friend that others feel safe reaching out to.
In a season where we rush out to buy gifts for others, let's not overlook the gifts we can give that don't cost us a cent, but may cost us time, energy or restraint. We can be more patient with the ornery, more soothing and generous toward the disgruntled; more considerate toward those who face challenges we may not be fully aware of. But more than anything else, we can be kind, and try to demonstrate compassion, sympathy, empathy and love toward everyone we encounter.
Gifts of love and kindness not only keep giving - they foster "peace on earth and goodwill towards all". We are all made richer when we share the gifts of the heart.
