Recently a Facebook friend inspired me with a poignant post about how, after days of dealing admirably with the unique challenges brought on by self distancing, parenting, and working from home during a pandemic, she woke up one day unable to hold back tears.
I get it. I had a rough winter - holiday blues, an ailing mom that required a lot of my time and attention in January, a virulent cold that kept me in for much of February...and then along came March, and I enjoyed a whopping two weeks of normalcy before life became surreal. In short, while it has been a month since my self distancing efforts officially began, I feel like I have been unofficially living in a state of "mostly isolation" since 2020 began.
I was a very good sport about social distancing for the first fourteen days. I naively thought that a few weeks of collective effort would get us over the Coronavirus hump; the curve would start to flatten, and life would get back to normal. What were a few more weeks of denying myself outings and visits with friends in the grand scheme of things? I could do this!
Two weeks went by...the period of self distancing was extended until the end of April...and, like my Facebook friend, I began to feel the strain as all kinds of uncertainties took hold. Days became more lethargic, nights became longer. I slept poorly and felt flat.
Then one day, like my friend, I found myself getting teary eyed over everything, and when I read her post it resonated with me and inspired this poem.
Cry - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Cry your tears of yearning.
Cry your tears of pain.
Cry for what you're learning -
wisdom you'll retain.
Cry for all you're missing -
pleasures now denied;
cheeks you would be kissing
were there no divide.
Crying in confusion,
with my thoughts adrift -
soggy brain's conclusion -
my life is a gift.
With tears freely flowing,
heart is fertile earth
into which I'm sowing
some kind of rebirth.
Planted in pandemic,
seeds are sure to sprout.
Lest they grow dysthymic
thoughts get weeded out.
Friendships once neglected
from ashes arise;
feelings resurrected
take us by surprise.
Cry out in your longing
for all those afar.
Cry tears of belonging
with those where you are.
Cry in isolation,
spare all tears of grief -
safe from devastation
we'll cry in relief.
Adapting to the rapid changes entailed in keeping careful distance from each other has been difficult for all of us. Keeping to ourselves and staying in the house most of the time has been hard on all of us. Being ever vigilant about staying two meters away from people in stores and on walks can be downright mentally exhausting. I am starting to have nightmares about random people getting too close to me on the street, or, even more sweat inducing dreams where someone actually touches me! I am getting frustrated by how many items on any given shopping list can't be purchased because shelves in the store were bare. I get tired of spending time with the same three people, and missing the faces of friends - and familymembers who aren't living under my roof. I miss going to the library, chatting with the ladies in my book club, browsing in stores, attending Toastmasters meetings...
You get the picture. We're all missing our normal pleasurable routines that involve friends and extended family members, and we're all feeling bored, tired, lonely, anxious and frustrated.
Generally speaking I feel like I'm handling pandemic life with some sense of decorum. Unlike many, I get dressed every day. I try to be somewhat productive and don't binge watch Netflix. I do take walks. I can mostly handle living within the new boundaries imposed by Covid-19.
The hard part of managing life during a pandemic is that I still have the problems I had before this began - they didn't miraculously disappear. The injustice of this fact stings me daily. Our ordinary, everyday, preexisting challenges are still ongoing, and as unfair as it is, new problems still arise and tragedies still occur that further complicate my pandemic angst. Life goes on - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I miss the good things that are presently denied, but I find myself more appreciative than ever for those I still have access to - sunshine and blue skies, a good meal, an amusing conversation or heartfelt chat with a friend, a good belly laugh, or a hug from one of the two people I'm allowed to hug.
As for the bad and the ugly - they hit me with a wallop that leaves me reeling. Far too often I am besieged by a sense of powerlessness. I can't rush to anyone's aid, and I can't easily escape my frustrations in any sense of the word. At times it feels like multiple problems laugh at the idea of socially distancing from each other, and instead link hands defiantly, daring me to take a run at them all at once. The "problems of real life" vs. Sharon, spurring me into reaction in an Olympic class game that challenges my mental strength -
"Red rover, red rover - we call Sharon over!"
Yeah world - thanks - I needed that. (Not.)
We are all in the same boat, and I can't speak for the rest of you, but I'm just trying to stay afloat. You can be as stalwart as you like, and blink away whatever tears threaten to roll down your cheeks, but I'm giving myself permission to cry. Vulnerability is its own form of strength. It takes courage to admit to sometimes feeling momentarily defeated. I'm giving myself permission to feel. It's not always going to be pretty, but that's okay. We all have a lot of emotion to purge, and we need to find healthy ways to do that.
Purge - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Purge yourself of all the fear you feel.
Let it out with every breath you hold.
Give your inner angst a form that's real -
let your screams be loud; your tears be bold.
Unlock deepest chasms of your mind
and purge the negativity therein.
Replace the darkness with some thoughts more kind -
reset your hollow core; anew begin.
Find positive ways to help you purge your negative emotions. I'm pouring my heart into poetry tossing darts like my life depends on hitting high triples and bullseyes. I'm talking to friends as often as I can, baking with a vengeance...I'm doing my best to cope with all of the problems life has the gall to serve up in spite of a pandemic! So are you.
Let it out - cry. Scream if you need to. Then breathe, pause, and reset. This isn't over yet. Life can feel overwhelming at the best of times, and getting through a pandemic intact requires collective effort.
