Usually in my blog posts I try to leave my readers with a positive message. Today, in spite of my ranting I will tell you one positive thing, which is that I am positive that I've received pretty miserable service from Virgin Mobile. I'm also positive that some of their corporate practices don't meet the standards of a mature and discriminating customer. Having given two positive messages for those reading to take to heart, I'm now going to tell you about the negative experiences I've endured as a virgin customer.
I know I didn't capitalize "virgin", and that's because right off the bat I want to make the admission that I'm new to this whole cell phone thing. About a year and a half ago I finally broke down and bought my first. I was spending a lot of time out of town at that point, and going mobile seemed like a necessary evil if I wanted to stay in regular contact with my husband (which I did).
My cell phone doesn't get used a lot anymore - maybe once a week. Less than a dozen people have my number. I don't use it as a camera, or to surf the net, and I don't text. I got the most basic, pared down plan out there - supposedly less than $40.00/month. Which brings me to my first complaint.
1) Why is my bill always so high? For a while it was high because when I bought a replacement phone the guy in the Virgin booth assured me he'd cancel my former phone plan, but he apparently didn't. That accounts for FOUR months of obscenely high bills, but not the ones that have arrived since my husband and I BOTH gave them a reaming out that should've made their ears bleed. Still, I'd love to hear why after missing a payment (or even TWO) my bill at the end of May was supposedly more than $150.00 and this latest bill is more than $90.00. Frankly, it just doesn't add up. Then, (of course) there is the way they nag you about paying bills. What ever happened to the good old days when a bill arrived in the mail and you had a month to pay it? Here's an example of the impatience of these collectors. I got a bill while my internet was down - (I think it was dated the 6th) - and on the 8th I got a call asking where my payment was! But that wasn't all, and I'll get to the rest of that conversation later...
2) Why do I hear from Virgin Mobile so often? Every time I use my cell phone I have fresh messages and texts on my phone. (These texts don't ever get picked up. I don't text, remember? It's not part of my plan, and I feel no need to listen to any more advertising propaganda than I'm already subjected to.) As for the phone messages, Virgin is ONLY my cell phone carrier - not my husband, child, mother or best friend. While I can't speak for the rest of the world, I can say, from the bottom of my heart, that I just plain don't want constant interaction with my cell phone carrier. And ahh - what a "treat" those interactions are, a sentiment I will expound upon in my next several points:
3) I understand that Richard Branson (like so many other billionaires out there) seems to think that it's a necessity to outsource work to Asia rather than employ North Americans. (That's a whole other rant that I won't go into now.) What bothers me is that these people don't know how to communicate effectively in English, which as far as I know is still the primary language of commerce on this continent. I shouldn't have to repeat (or to ask "service" people to repeat) things a half dozen times before we (sort of) understand each other. I know my last name may be difficult for foreign tongues, but my first name is pretty straight forward. Something close would be nice.
4) Likewise, it would be nice if these "service" people understood North American culture, even slightly. For example, the polite way to begin a conversation is with the word hello. If you want to formally address a married woman you call her Mrs something, in my case Mrs. Kasenberg. If you're in doubt about a woman's marital status use Ms (pronounced Mizz) or use her first name. When you call me Miss Sharon, my memory hearkens waaay back to the days of Gunsmoke, and "Miss Kitty" (who likely wasn't virginal). I'm not a saloon girl, I'm a domestic goddess!
5) Professional behavior doesn't entail the use of the opening phrase "Hey there!" in an exaggerated Aussie drawl by a perky "valley girl" wannabe. Some of us remember when Moon Unit Zappa began that whole shtick in the early 80's. Even when it was "new and fresh" it got irritating fast. Forget trying to be "hip" and just aim for polite and professional.
6) Why does Virgin keep nagging me after my bill is paid? They claim to have no record of payment, but if 48 hours after the thing has been paid they either don't have the payment recorded, or their people can't manage to access that information than they've reached a whole new sub-standard.
7) What's with the long pause full of dead air when I answer my phone? I say hello and give it ten seconds, and any caller who can't reply in that space of time is history - period.
8) What makes Virgin Mobile think I should "hold" for them when they called me? I'm used to the endless waits when I need to call them, but it's just not going to fly when they call my house, or my cell and expect me to "hold" - especially when they can't even bother to identify themselves first.
9) (This one really sticks in my craw.) Why, when they call to nag me less than 36 hours after they send the bill, do they have the gall to ask me how I intend to pay? I'll pay however I choose to pay, and they should jolly well be grateful to get paid at all when by my calculations they've over charged me by about six months worth of fees. Next time they ask that question I'll give this answer:
"I intend to pay you by pony express, and in nickels. I'm strapping the saddle bags onto Petunia as we speak! (Giddy-up, girl!) You should get your payment in three or four weeks. Have a nice day!"
10) Finally, that name really bothers me. A name like "Virgin" just doesn't suit a company that spends so much time in solicitation and is greedy and sloppy to boot. I'm fed up with dealing with you, Ricky. I'm off to find a better plan, something less expensive for the occasional user. I still hold out hope that better customer service isn't just a pipe dream these days.
Thus ends the prosaic part of this post, but I wouldn't be The Rhyming Muse if I didn't leave you a poetic offering, so here goes:
How Do I Loathe Thee, Virgin Mobile? (Let Me Count the Ways!)
In spite of what you claim to be,
I question your "virginity" -
solicitations never end,
you're driving me around the bend!
A dozen texts you leave for me,
and on my plan texts are NOT free.
As for the messages you leave,
(almost daily, I believe)
I truly wish that you would chill -
your frequency is overkill.
You're not my spouse or my best friend,
but all those messages you send
from Aussie with annoying voice
(not vocal "talent" of my choice) -
"Hey There!" not what I like to hear
when I put telephone to ear.
A greeting somewhat more refined
is preferable, to my mind.
And for the record (so you know)
the proper greeting is "Hello"
and it seems strange you must be told
when YOU call ME I will not "hold"!
I don't respond well to dead air -
ten seconds pass...guess no one's there -
and so hang up is what I do,
it might sound crazy, but it's true.
As for my name, it would suffice
if you came close just once or twice -
so call me "Sharon" if you must,
but this Miss Sharon won't, I trust
be anymore address to me -
it irritates me thoroughly.
But not as much as how you bill -
your lack of patience makes me ill.
The bill is sent to my email,
and very shortly, without fail
you call to say I'm overdue -
which doesn't sound exactly true.
But then again, when you owe me -
like for the month or two or THREE
I paid account you said was closed
no restitution was proposed.
Yet some of us have honour still -
I said I'd pay you and I will.
I'll pay you like I always do
and pray that soon we will be through.
You see, I seek a better plan -
It's obvious I'm not a fan.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg - July 9, 2013
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