Shades of Gray
We say nothing is absolute
in this enlightened time,
morality is destitute
and not much is a crime.
We fail to see what's wrong or right
through conscience clouded haze -
we've done away with "black and white"
and substituted grays.
How easily the untrained eye
sees white blend into gray -
another drop or two of dye
and black's not far away.
Subtle differences in shade
require a contrast stark,
next to black dull gray will fade
and not appear so dark.
Now contrast that same muted tone
against a crisp white shirt.
Its darkness then is clearly shown
to be a smudge of dirt.
But many will avert their eyes
and thus ignore the grime -
or choose to don a gray disguise
and blend in with the slime.
The stuff composing all our brains -
gray matter, to be sure -
by our own choosing oft' refrains
from being clean and pure.
What we put in is manifest
by what we say and do,
our actions, be they cursed or blessed
from our gray matter grew.
We seem content to live in gray
with colours all around.
Why do we into shadows stray
when light can still be found?
I see the world in black and white
and multi-coloured hues;
some things are wrong, and some are right
and grays I will refuse.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg - March 2007
Long before there was a book or a movie I was contemplating just how many shades of gray exist.
As a design school student, I learned how to paint a gray scale. White gradually becomes gray, which gradually becomes black as the individual drops of black dye are added and stirred. Our minds work more or less the same way. As we allow our darker thoughts to trickle in, and then stir them to blend with the rest of our ideals, we are left a darker mindset than we started out with. Anger darkens us, immoral behavior darkens us, unkindness darkens us, and learning to tolerate negative ideals darkens us too. In short - adopting negative beliefs and behaviors interferes with our ability to feel buoyant and light.
Darkness mutes colour. When I step into my garden on a very dark night, the flowers are still as vibrant as they were at noon. The dimness of the night sky has merely impeded my ability to see those rich tones. When our souls feel dark and heavy, the same thing has occurred. The world is still as bright and beautiful as it ever was - but our ability to perceive its brightness has changed.
Many may wonder how a movie like Fifty Shades of Gray can be so popular. I don't. While I have no interest in reading the book or watching the movie, the popularity of both doesn't surprise me at all.
Did you know that this series was inspired by another popular trilogy?
Several years ago, when the Twilight books were flying off the shelves, I had several friends recommend them to me. They were written by a good, church-going woman, and the lead characters stayed chaste until after marriage - so what was there to not like, right? Still, something about this series didn't sit right with me, and the more I heard teenaged girls rhapsodize over these books, the more I dug in my heels and refused to read them. I did, however, read several reviews of the books that reinforced my belief that they weren't all sweetness and light. The graphic scene describing the destructiveness of the half-vampire baby that Bella carried made me want to vomit. (The woman who quoted that part of the story in her review felt the same way.)
Fifty Shades of Gray began as online Twilight fan fiction. It doesn't surprise me that a book that oozed glittery vampire lust, aimed to set the hearts of teenaged girls pounding, inspired a book that is full of kinky sex aimed to titillate more sexually experienced women. Some might say that the lust isn't important - I mean, they stayed chaste - right? And yes, that bit of fan fiction soon disappeared from Stephanie Meyers' fan site - a good move on the part of one who obviously desires a squeaky clean image. Still, I don't think that encouraging hormonal teens to read stories rife with sexual longing is likely to further the cause of chastity.
There are similarities between the two books that may go unnoticed by diehard Twilight fans, who perceive one series as "clean" and the other as too dirty to read. I'm not arguing the fact that Fifty Shades is smutty - that's the author's whole point - to take the ramped up longing of Bella and Edward and translate it into a graphically sexual book that glamorizes S&M the way Meyers glamorized vampires. Nevertheless, if you read reviews by people familiar with both series, you'll find that many feel that they're essentially the same story, with Fifty Shades simply substituting kinky sex for sterilized vampire lore. Consider the following similarities:
1) Both books feature older, more experienced men (remember, Edward is ancient, in spite of his eternally youthful demeanor) who lust after young, innocent flesh. (Okay - so in Edward's case it's flesh and blood. That makes it all a lot more palatable, right?) Both have their "dark secrets" that they share with the female leads, who in spite of constant lip-biting, somehow manage to accept these creepifying oddities fairly easily. (Why both don't run screaming is beyond my comprehension!)
2) Both story lines feature vulnerable, subordinate women, who seem to innately understand - and accept - that there can be no lasting relationship with the man they want unless they completely recreate themselves. Bella can't have a lasting relationship with Edward without becoming a vampire herself. And in Fifty Shades, Ana, our (ahem) heroine knows that she has to adapt to her man's perverse tastes in order to stay with him. Why are women so quick to buy into the notion that they are the ones who have to become whatever their man wants in order to be loved? Is that really a message that we want to send out to the next generation?
3) In both series the men involved are a wee bit stalker-ish. When somebody breaks into your house to watch you sleep, it might seem like a romantic gesture, but really it's pretty scary behavior. How would you feel if your daughter told you her boyfriend broke into her apartment to watch her sleep? Would alarm bells go off? It seems obvious that if she wanted him to have unlimited access to her domicile she would have given him a key. It also seems to me that when someone tails you secretly it probably means they're controlling and don't trust you. And if they insist on trying to buy your way into college or a new job, you really ought to be concerned.
4) Both series encourage obsessive behavior. The males manipulate and control, but the females pine to the point of ill health when separated from them, uttering phrases along the lines of "I can't breathe when I'm away from him!" Small wonder both Meyers and James managed to establish such a crazed following for their books.
I may come under fire for bashing two series I didn't even read, and believe me, as one who had a lot of interaction with teenaged girls during Twilight's heyday, I know that any criticism of that fine literary work might irritate a few diehard fans. But I've read a whole lot of reviews and quotes from these books, and to me it seems obvious that both series reinforce negative gender stereotypes. I certainly read enough sappy romances in my youth to understand the basic formula that these and far too many other books follow - take a naive, innocent young woman and pair her up with a sophisticated and experienced older man who preys on her lack of confidence. These characterizations, which are grossly unflattering to both sexes, bother me more and more as I mature. Why do so many women in a supposedly enlightened generation still think it's "romantic" for a man to hold all the cards? And why should any man feel that it's his right to be the sole dealer?
It seems to me that once we embrace the sacrificial nature of Bella, our acceptance of Ana's "choices" and behavior may not be far behind. If it's okay for a woman to have to change her very essence for a man, then why isn't it okay for one to submit to behavioral changes and adapt her sexual palate for a man's satisfaction? Or to suppress her desires for romance and commitment? (I mean - the sex is all consensual - right?)
My point is this - women shouldn't have to be the ones to make all of the changes and sacrifices in relationships. When we send out the message to girls that that's okay, we do the opposite of empowering them. Furthermore, I know we all need to acknowledge the darkness within so that we can diminish it, but both of these series show the opposite happening. No matter how sparkly the movies portrayed them, vampires are dark. So obviously Bella chose the dark side. Ana chose the dark side too, when she signed away her innocence and inhibitions by contracting her body out to a sadistic control freak. Thus we see how the bewitching Twilight of obsessive yearning darkens to the hyper-sexualized midnight blackness portrayed in Fifty Shades of Gray.
Fifty Shades further compounds the negative messages already mentioned by adding whole new layers of unsavory ideas into the mix, like:
1) Stay with your abuser, ladies - you can change him! This is a horrible fallacy that too many women buy into. How many shelters are full of women who thought just that? Nobody "changes" anybody else. People make changes if and when they want to - and why would a man, who has seen a partner sacrifice everything for him, and change herself in unbelievable ways for him, bother to improve himself? Desire to improve is obviously diminished by overly compliant partners. Do I believe that even very jaded individuals can change? Sure, it's possible. But as a woman, would I become entangled with a man believing that I could miraculously "fix" him? No, I'm not nearly masochistic enough to put myself in that situation. Nor am I foolish enough to buy into such magical thinking.
2) No means no - sometimes. Well, I guess it doesn't if he can still have you begging for more after ignoring the fact that you said no and not listening to your safe word and...
3) Be dazzled by his position, power and money. Let him buy you expensive presents and fly you around on his private plane. (It's not like he expects anything in return - right?) Oops - I forgot that there's a whole lot of being awed by the rich guy and receiving big ticket gifts in Twilight too - my bad.
Every time we embrace stereotypes that negatively impact ideals and behaviors within our society, we admit a little more darkness into our lives and dim the vibrant hues of good judgment a little more.
A harmless little book - or movie. A harmless little attitude that we allow to creep into our head space. Go ahead girls - be weak and spineless and easily dazzled. Let the dark and brooding man tell you how much you need to change. And guys - remember how much girls love a "take charge" guy. Sure, she'll protest your high-handed tactics in the beginning, but keep reminding her that she's helpless and inept and buy her something nice. Eventually your investments will pay off, and she'll become whatever you want her to be.
Every little concession, or coercion, is just a drop of dye - right?
And black is nothing more than a drop, and another, and another...
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