This poem in this post was inspired by my love of P.G. Wodehouse - a prolific British author who specialized in wry humour, convoluted plot lines, and mix-ups and mayhem - especially in matters of the heart. His female characters often have a sort of gum-popping in-yer-face kind of chutzpah that clearly indicates that they're in control. (I like that!) His male characters tend to be a bit eccentric - and I like that too. (Among my favorites in the nutty menfolk category is Clarence Threepwood - the 9th Earl of Emsworth, the unpretentious owner of Blandings Castle, who is somewhat obsessed with his prized pig - aptly named The Empress of Blandings.)
The scheme cooked up in my poem between the jilted Cheryl and her PI friend May is, in my humble opinion, very Wodehouse-ish. I could see a couple of his female characters putting their heads together to force a cad into seeing the error of his ways. (Think of their plot as an intervention for a chronic flirt who has a bit of a phobia around commitment : )
Does Cheryl succeed in "changing" Reginald? I don't think so. I prefer to think that she was only successful at helping him to see how much his behavior had hurt others. Furthermore, it seems that Reg really did regret his treatment of her, and when faced with the unsavory fallout resulting from his philandering ways, he finally saw himself as the loser that he was - and a man who could only turn around his losing streak by marrying the one, of all his past paramours, that he ever really cared about. If she'd still have him. (Perhaps that's what Cheryl secretly hoped for all along?)
So without further ado, here is my epic tale of romance a la Wodehouse. Enjoy!
Rehabilitating Reggie: (or Poetic Retribution)
Reginald was a ruthless cad -
an oaf, a boor, a bounder;
a rogue who'd make a nice girl mad
each time he was around her.
He was so prone to flirt and gad
he'd thoroughly astound her.
He'd take a woman to a dance
and escort her on his arm -
(by this implying grand romance,
'til he sounded the alarm)
but somehow never miss a chance
to spread around his charm.
He fancied he was quite a catch
and lived his days in peril -
a handsome price his head would fetch -
his ex-conquests grew feral.
The one who thought him most a wretch,
a dance hall girl named Cheryl.
Reginald rose one summer day
and nothing odd suspecting
arranged to meet a girl named May
whose bus'ness was detecting -
and currently in Cheryl's pay
was evidence collecting.
To meet him, May dressed with great care -
intentionally floozy -
so many folks would stop and stare
while she got him quite boozy.
In tipsy state she hoped he'd dare
to drop names and be newsy.
They met at the appointed time
in the designated place.
May thought revenge would be sublime,
she would bring him to disgrace;
expose him as seducing slime,
wipe all smugness from his face.
Reginald sat slyly winking
at the barmaid passing by;
May was through the details thinking
when this action caught her eye,
and his hand was, snakelike, slinking
under table - up her thigh.
May bit her tongue and grabbed his hand,
thus halting its progression -
'twas clear to her that he had planned
to start a make-out session,
and really didn't understand
her most amused expression.
"Reggie, you're so very dashing -
how could any girl resist?
You are altogether smashing
and so ardently persist!
You have eyes so dark and flashing
and lips begging to be kissed.
Many girls are held in your thrall,
but I'd rather not succumb -
somehow to be at beck and call
seems to me - well, rather dumb -
if you have any heart at all
I would guess that it's grown numb."
Reggie most aback was taken
by her accusation bold -
He said, "May, you are mistaken
if you think my heart is cold -
for my passion you awaken
if the truth is to be told."
"I have no doubt you have passion -
it's quite obvious to see
you have that in ample ration
and will share liberally.
I have noticed it's your fashion
to want every girl you see."
May's response, tersely delivered
halted Reggie in his tracks -
he with trepidation quivered
like she'd threatened with an axe,
and at frost filled glance he shivered,
for he'd weathered such attacks.
"Look around you," May shot, taunting,
"you may not have realized
how your passion you've been flaunting
for innumerable eyes.
And your sentiment is wanting -
we're all tired of your lies."
Now poor Reg, in furtive glances
noticed girlfriends he had spurned
whose eyes pierced like poisoned lances
as his stomach madly churned.
To be faced with past romances
was the punishment he'd earned.
Women soon en mass advancing
made him hyperventilate.
All his ludicrous romancing
lies had brought him to this state.
Noting now, as at door glancing
chances of escape weren't great.
So he braced for confrontation
hoping life would be preserved,
forced to see, in agitation
how he'd got what he deserved;
still, to face such aggravation
left him thoroughly unnerved.
There stood Cheryl front and center
to whom he'd once been engaged.
She would be his prime tormentor -
this scene she had surely staged.
But he couldn't quite resent her
being bitterly enraged.
Her tirade he then preempted
uttering repentant pleas,
but to harm him some were tempted
'til he got down on his knees
and apology attempted
before they could body seize.
"Cheryl you were cruelly jilted,
I abused your tender heart,
and in conscience I feel guilted,
for I plied seducer's art.
Now my viewpoint has been tilted,
I desire a brand new start.
To you I'll make restitution
though the price I'll pay is dear.
I hope I'll find absolution
ere my reckoning is near
for poetic retribution
seems astonishingly clear:
Before you can hatchet bury
somewhere deep within my chest
I propose that we should marry -
you can put me to the test.
Let my sins extraordinary
now be fittingly addressed.
Before all these angry exes
I ask you to be my bride.
Help me build moral reflexes
that will bind me to your side.
In this battle of the sexes
I have no safe place to hide!"
Cheryl tugged the rogue toward her
knowing it was not too late.
His proposal truly floored her
but she didn't hesitate.
This cad surely still adored her!
He would rehabilitate!
May stood up to watch them leaving -
'twas another job well done.
All the lies Reg had been weaving
caught him in the web he'd spun
and his days of girls deceiving
were now definitely done.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, January 2008
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