Voices in the Night - by Sharon Flood Kasenberg

Voices in the Night

When I wake up in the night
paralyzed by fear
I'm not seized up at the sight
of ghostly phantoms near.
I'm not frightened by the dark -
no ghosts linger there -
but I face a haunting stark
when questions are laid bare
All of life's complexity
haunts those sleepless nights;
fills me with perplexity -
anxiety invites.
Always at the crux - self doubt -
What would I do if...?
And I'm forced to think about
the things that scare me stiff.
It's not a lingering spirit
hov'ring near my bed,
but this self doubt, I fear it -
it clamors in my head.
It tells me that I'm foolish -
I'll never succeed.
It's taunts are mean and ghoulish
and on my fear they feed.
For all too long I heed them -
voices in the night,
yet sleeplessness has freed them -
why should I think they're right?
Self doubt will prey upon you
when you're tired and stressed.
In darkness it will haunt you,
to this I can attest.
Refuse interrogation
through the midnight hours -
let sleep's rejuvenation
re-calibrate your powers.
Sing yourself a lullaby,
drift back off to sleep -
ghosts of angst you can defy
when self belief you keep.
You must refuse to heed them -
voices in the night -
and never, ever feed them
your dark and dismal fright.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, Oct. 30, 2016

People often ask me if my new/old house is haunted. I guess it's a reasonable enough question when your house is a hundred and twenty years old and has such a varied history. After all, it's seen a lot of living, this house - and since it served as a retirement home for several years, perhaps it's share of dying as well. (Not to mention a whole lot of dissatisfaction by those who didn't receive payment on claims made during the thirty years it housed an insurance company!) But my answer is always the same - my house is not haunted.

What I could add, at this point in my response is, "But I am."

I've been haunted most of my life by the ghosts of every single person who ever told me (or tried to tell me) that I couldn't do something - that I wasn't smart enough, talented enough, or good enough. Sometimes these voices are quite specific in their criticisms, and taunt me with statements like, "You're just too socially awkward to ever make friends easily, so you should resign yourself to being lonely" - or "You are simply not talented enough to ever receive any recognition for your efforts. You might as well stop trying."

Sometimes the voices play heavily on my insecurities, telling me horribly depressing things - like how I'll probably die a penniless widow and a burden to my children.

These voices don't bother me a lot during daylight hours - perhaps because I'm apt to keep myself busy and productive - but during my hours of insomnia (which has been a problem as far back as I can remember), they are ruthless.

In my youth I had nightmares - dreams that woke me up feeling afraid of something - and I'd call out to someone - my mother, my grandmother, or whichever sibling had the misfortune of currently sharing a bedroom with me. And soon I'd receive comfort from whoever I shouted for, and the incident would be over as I was mollified by soothing words or a warm body next to mine. Worse were the night terrors that I sometimes experienced - waking hallucinations that had me absolutely convinced they were real - rabid wolves loose in my room, or strangers lurking in corners. I remember being too frightened to move or scream - completely paralyzed by fear. Those experiences took longer to get over, and sometimes for hours afterward I'd lie warily awake.

Grown-up me seldom experiences nightmares, and never has night terrors. But often my dreams wake me so gradually that I'm trying to solve the problems of the universe before I even realize that I'm  awake. Or, conversely, I'm jolted into full alertness by a horrible feeling that I'm woefully ill-equipped to deal with any unexpected curve balls that life might throw me. Other times, my perceived inadequacies keep me wide awake long after the rest of the household is asleep. Events of the day, and conversations I've had, play back in an endless loop, while the midnight voices lend their overdubbed commentary - always along the lines of "You didn't handle that well at all. You shouldn't have said that. Why didn't you do this? Honestly - you're just plain hopeless!"

I wish I could blame these comments on some translucent, mysterious entity, but I can't. The voices sound just like mine. I am my own worst enemy. I am the critic who stands to wield the gong that tells me I need to head backstage in shame.

I'm not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement. In my well-slept and rational daylight hours I know I'm not so terrible. There are things I can do well and I know I make a few useful contributions to the world I live in. But, like so many other people in the world, I carry burdens of insecurity that can feel crushing when I'm vulnerable. (And in my case, vulnerability is very much tied to how well rested I am.) I've learned a few techniques to keep the midnight hauntings at bay. I silently sing to myself - any song that is calming or even simply monotonous helps. I concentrate on working through logistical problems in my head or making lists of projects I need to tackle over the coming days or weeks. If I can't lull myself back into slumber, I get up and read something that will relax me. Thus I usually manage to escape the negative self-talk before it succeeds at monopolizing my sleepless hours.

I have worked out strategies that curtail the time that the ghouls can haunt me. But I need to ask this question - what is it that haunts you? What are the niggling doubts that turn you into your own worst enemy? With what do your midnight voices taunt you?

I don't believe I'm alone in being pursued by the "this and that" phantoms that subject us to their banshee wails of disappointment and failure. I think that most of us are a lot more apt to face down the ghosts of regret and missed chances than any unearthly yowls from the undead.

Find a way to block the negative voices (that probably bear an uncanny resemblance to your own) and have faith in yourself. Because in a life filled with complexity and perplexity, you need to believe in you.

Do what you need to do to stay strong and happy. And if you hear negative voices in your darkest hours refuse to listen. Cling tightly to hope and belief in your own ability to overcome obstacles.

Don't be your own worst enemy, and don't let your insecurities, whatever they may be, haunt your life. Don't let voices in the night disturb your peace of mind.

You're okay.