I've Got This - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

This:

This is where I am now -
where I'm meant to be -
traveling a new road;
happy to be free.
This is what I sing now,
though the tune is new -
listen to the lyrics -
surely they'll ring true.
This is what I feel now -
how I always did.
Tears of pain and joy flow;
tears that I once hid.
This is who I am now -
who I've always been.
If you had been watching,
this you would have seen.
This is what I hope now;
that you'll simply see -
circumstances change - still
I'm the same old me.
This is what I love now -
no - that's not quite true.
When it comes to love, well -
it's never what, but who.
Now I love you better -
this you must believe.
All the love that fills me -
this will never leave.
Join me in this chorus:
Nothing is amiss -
all that really matters
is this, and this - and this.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, November 27, 2016

My next bit of written communication, after this post is finished and up, is writing the annual family newsletter. As I sit and contemplate my new life in a big old house in a very small town, I am amazed by how many circumstances in my life have changed.

My life is very quiet now, and in some ways a lot less structured than it used to be. I don't go to a gym three times a week anymore - it seems like too much trouble to be hitching a ride to the next town when my treadmill is set up in a lovely sun room, and most days I have the option of doing the "clean your house workout" or working on one of many fairly labour intensive home improvement projects that we have on the go. Whether I choose to strip wallpaper, pull up carpets, wash walls with TSP or get caught up on laundry depends on a whole variety of factors. Some days I go non-stop, and others I may only mosey as far as the local library and spend way too much time reading and dreaming on one of our comfy couches. I'm learning the importance of self-regulation now - as I have to consider what must be done when and establish priorities. This is something my life was lacking before, and evidence that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

My quiet days are teaching me to be ready to seize opportunities for socialization when they present themselves - even when I need to step outside my comfort zone to do so. It's a tough challenge for me, but necessary. This is something I need.

My town is very small. It consists of:
1) A post office
2) A cafe - open weekdays from morning until mid-afternoon.
3) A convenience store/gas station, which sells mostly snacks, and at any given time has a few loaves of bread and gallons of milk for sale.
4) A library - open roughly three times a week at somewhat odd hours
5) A Rona - smallest one you've ever seen, but it's there.
6) A computer store
7) An accountant's office, which never seems to be open.
8) An outdoor community pool
9) A community center - surprisingly large!
10) A volunteer fire department

The lack of amenities that I used to take for granted has forced me to be more organized, resourceful and waste-conscious. Leftovers must be promptly eaten. Trips to the next town for grocery items must be minimized. I'm proud of the progress that I'm making in these areas - and grateful for this opportunity to improve my organizational skills. This is where I'm supposed to be.

That huge community center gets used. It's the hub of the community, and this is a community in every sense of the word. People smile, wave, and greet each other on the street. People here look out for each other. The man who mows our lawn keeps me supplied with farm fresh eggs. The woman across the street says, "Stop by some time for a cup of tea." We run into neighbours in the post office and the hardware store and we stop and chat. They offer their time and their tools to help us with our projects. This is the kind of community that I want to be part of.

My house is an ongoing project. I wake up in the morning excited to call it home. I've lived here three months and still find odd little details that thrill me - like lovely old hinges on doors and little discrepancies in the ornate woodwork that show how skilled the original craftsman was. I have plenty of scope for imagination as I contemplate next changes and dream about what this place will become. This house and I need each other.

As I consider all of the things that have changed in my life I'm reminded of how many more things have stayed the same. I love my family beyond words - my husband, my sons, my new daughter-in- law, my siblings, my mother. This will never change. I cherish my old friends who have stayed with me through every move and change in my life - this won't ever change either. I appreciate every old friend from my past who cares enough to foster genuine re-connection - those who have traveled to visit me, who spend time engaging in online chats and message exchanges. This is something that matters. These people laugh with me and cry with me, and this keeps me going on rough days.

You know those rough days - we all have them. But we can "get by with a little help from our friends". This is the beauty of friendship and love. This is generosity of spirit - this is caring.

I am go grateful for all of this - the changes, the growth, the new opportunities before me. I'm grateful for my continued health, my marriage, my old friends and the new ones I'm making. I'm learning to appreciate the tears as much as the laughter in my life. This ability to feel and respond is what makes us human - as well as humane.

My circumstances have changed, but I was ready for this. Who knows how far I might go with this.

I'm not exactly as I was, but this is the life I choose. This is me.


I've got this.