Time - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

Time:

The hands on clock go whizzing past
when marking time we'd like to last -
but when we want time to speed by,
they seem to stop - I don't know why.

The sands of time in hour glass
will measure minutes as they pass,
but just how quickly sand is gone
depends upon who's looking on.

Time marches at a plodding pace
when seasons of despair we face,
but when we want it to stand still,
it never will - it never will.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, March 31, 2017

Have you ever noticed how perverse time is? It drags on when you're bored and lonely, and gallops by when life is wonderful and you're enjoying yourself.

Lately it's been moving pretty fast. I've been busy.

And yet, that wasn't always the case when I was busy. For example, when my boys were little the days seemed long, even though I had plenty to do. I remember how I'd practically pounce on my husband when he came through the door at the end of the day - I was just so happy to have an adult to talk to again! So perhaps it was the sense of isolation I felt in those days that made time crawl by. Now ironically, I miss those days of feeling so needed by my sons. It was a long time ago, but it feels like it wasn't - even though I know a lot of those days seemed to drag by then.

When I was young I fell into the trap that so many of us do - wanting time to speed up. When I was little I remember looking forward to turning ten - it seemed like the perfect age - big enough to do things on my own, but still a kid. Then I wanted to be twelve, because twelve year olds were almost teenagers! At twelve I'd be much wiser than I was at ten, and people would take me seriously! But then I wanted to be fourteen and going to dances, sixteen and dating (ha- nobody asked me out until I was seventeen!) and then eighteen sounded even better because I was almost an adult...

I was always so busy anticipating what came next - it always seemed that I hadn't reached the perfect age yet. And all of those milestones that I thought reaching a certain age would bring were off schedule - sixteen was just the first of  the years that let me down. I figured I'd get married at 22 (I was 26) and have four kids by the time I was thirty. (I did manage to not have any more babies after thirty, but sadly it wasn't for want of trying.) I thought I'd write a book before I was 35. I did write one, but not until I was 48, and I never even tried to get it published. My inner clock never told me the right time.

Would I go back in time and change a few things if I could? I don't think so. I know who I was then, and I did the best I could. I made mistakes, but they were understandable. Plus, I've watched enough Star Trek (thanks to living much of my life in a predominantly male household) to understand that changing the past would affect the future timeline. Somehow making minor changes to fix a few glitches along the way seems too risky to the present that I enjoy.

No, my life hasn't gone the way I thought it would. Time never seemed to be on my side. Why would it be? I was always wishing it away somehow - squandering it - acting as though it was a limitless commodity.

Now I'm beginning to make peace with time. I've done nothing on schedule, but still somehow I've gotten most of what I wanted in terms of my personal life. I'm still happily married. My sons are making lives for themselves. I'm healthy. I live in the kind of house I always wanted. I am engaged with life, busily pursuing projects and activities that I enjoy. I feel a degree of inner peace, and know that I live a useful, purposeful life.

My wish list has been modified over the years. Now a bestseller doesn't matter much; it's enough to see an upswing in blog post views. I write regularly, and people read - that makes me happy. I'm at a good place in my life - no spring chicken, but I've still got the energy to make a few things happen. I might occasionally long for earlier days - days that I took for granted when I was young and spent time recklessly - but I like where I'm at now. 

I can still work toward seeing modified dreams come to fruition. (I don't consider that a cop out at all.) My aspirations are noble, but realistic at this point. I can still improve myself - and my little corner of the world - by making life easier and more pleasant for others. I can learn, and I can grow.


I've got time.