Friendship Defined
Reciprocal treatment -
that's how it's defined -
respect for opinions
not always aligned.
Whatever you dish out
you ought to expect;
and sometimes behaviors
you need to correct.
Not once will I tell you
we'll always agree -
and I will assume
I am free to be me.
I don't believe friendship
is tied up in strings -
we really don't need to
like all the same things.
If you can't respect me
for not telling lies,
or never pretending
or donning disguise,
then I am mistaken
in calling you "friend" -
and your definition
I can't comprehend.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, June 2017
I value friendships. As far as I'm concerned, if you were ever my friend I'm prepared to keep on caring about you. It doesn't really matter that we've lived different lives and gone in different directions for decades - if I once enjoyed your company I'm happy enough to keep considering you my friend.
Liking people isn't all that hard. Some are easy to like because they're kind. Others have undeniably admirable traits - like honesty, or compassion. Sometimes you feel drawn to people because they are witty and amusing, or because they are brilliant conversationalists. Common experiences can bring people together, as can common interests or simple physical proximity. I don't expect all of my neighbours to become close friends, but I'm sure appreciative when they're consistently friendly. (Thank you, Atwood neighbours!)
I don't have strict criteria for friendship - you don't need to be the same age as me, the same size as me, or go to the same church as me. You don't need to vote for the same political party. But you do need to give me the right to be who I am. You do need to accept that I'm not going to pretend to agree with you when I don't. I promise I'll do the same for you.
I try to view the people I meet as potential friends. In my experience, first impressions don't matter all that much. Some people, who I didn't like all that much when we first met, ended up becoming good friends. Other times, those who seemed like they could become great friends just didn't seem like a very good fit when I got to know them better. Therefore I try not to be too hasty about deciding who might become a friend - you just never know who might end up winning you over with their kindness or generosity.
I'm a pretty outspoken person, but I try to be diplomatic. I know certain areas of conversation are dicey with most people. I understand that there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Sadly, I've come to understand that a lot of people don't understand the reciprocal nature of friendship, so I'm going to lay out what I see as a few very basic suggestions to keep friendships harmonious.
1) Family is Sacred
There's truth to the statement that blood is thicker than water. We all have family problems at times, and while a friend may vent about children or spouse, it's never wise to add your own two cents worth. I call it "The Family Rule" - I can complain about my husband or kids, but you can't. Oh, you can make sympathetic noises and say things like, "That doesn't seem fair!" or, "I'd feel the same way", or talk about how you experienced something similar with your husband or child once. But as soon as you say something along the lines of, "Well, I always knew your kid was weird" or, "I think your husband would be a better person if...", you've crossed a line. I don't know why this rule isn't obvious to everybody. (By the way, family has a hierarchy. A sibling should never be too critical of another sibling's spouse or child, or they risk damaging relationships.)
Unless you're open to the idea of a free-for-all, button your lips.
Family comes first - always. I once had a friend get angry with me when I politely stated disagreement with an ideology he was aggressively arguing for. (This was labeled an "attack".) In the meantime, this person had the gall to give me a rather scathing analysis of close members of my family, including people he'd never met, and thought nothing of it. Needless to say, when the individual concerned was completely unapologetic, in spite of the fact that I'd expressed how hurt I was by these comments, the friendship was over. I could live with the fact that we didn't see eye to eye, but simply couldn't condone his treatment, and harsh criticism, of my family.
2) Criticism isn't a One Way Street
If you feel free to criticize your friends then you should be able to accept criticism from them. This is a pretty basic extension of the "Do unto others" rule. I have strong opinions about many things, but - by golly, I try to reign them in - not offer them up too freely. Yet somehow, I'm often left feeling that a whole lot of people seem to see me as an improvement project - a weak-willed woman who is just begging to be critiqued and advised. If I ask for your opinion on my make-up, my parenting, my fashion sense...feel free to offer it. But the way I see it, if I can manage to not be too critical, you should be able to manage it too. Compliments go a whole lot farther than criticism.
3) Respect Matters
I've always maintained that friends don't need to agree on everything. You don't need to accept my political views, but I'd rather not be told that I'm stupid for having my own ideas about what I like or dislike. (Stupid isn't a word I toss around lightly, and so it's best that you don't lob it at me.) I'd rather not hear people labeled "precious little snowflakes" because they find some things objectionable. You can hold to your own opinions, but be kind about it.
4) Don't be Hypocritical
If you're the kind of person who can easily adopt a redneck persona and a Popeye "I yam what I yam" attitude, you better be prepared to get back what you dish out. If you want to be accepted for what you are, you need to be prepared to be accepting of others. If you don't want honest answers, don't ask. Don't invite discussion if you can't handle contrary opinions. Don't claim friendship while refusing to engage. Don't complain about others taking offense if you're quick to be offended too.
5) Let People Feel What They Feel
Some people have a hard time expressing emotion, and others don't. I laugh and cry easily. I laugh at lame jokes and cry over television programs. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, however, it doesn't mean I'm emotionally unstable. If I can't laugh and cry in front of you without ridicule, we can't be friends.
Sometimes we're all poor communicators and simply can't find the right words. It's better to say nothing, and let your actions speak for you, than to speak hastily and thoughtlessly.
"You shouldn't feel that way!" is a phrase nobody ever wants to hear. We all have a right to feel sad sometimes; to shed tears of frustration, or to get angry every now and then. Go ahead and let out a cathartic expletive when you break something or burn your supper - I won't judge you for it. I won't tell you that you shouldn't feel depressed or anxious either. When you talk to me, I know you aren't putting the burden of "fixing" you on my shoulders. All we need to do when friends get emotional is listen - maybe offer encouragement, and pass the tissues!
6) Be Loyal
Let your friends know you care about them. Be there when they need you, and let them know you appreciate them. Stand up for them when they feel misunderstood. Be tolerant of their imperfections. Be happy for them when they succeed, and be sympathetic when they don't. Be available when they need to talk, and listen before you reply. Keep their secrets. Be forgiving - everybody has an off day every now and then. Apologize when you're wrong. Build up their confidence when it lags. Speak kindly of them in front of others.
Friendship takes time.
I'm not a person who trusts easily. I've had my share of disappointment from friends who couldn't seem to grasp a few simple friendship standards that seem intuitive to me. I don't expect to meet people and feel immediate intimacy. Finding friends you can trust is worth the investment of time and patience it requires.
When you open yourself to friendship you take risks. You offer a little bit of your heart and hope that the other party will do the same in return. You hope you can become a trusted confidant, a listening ear, and a strong shoulder to cry on. You hope that whatever you have to offer will be appreciated - and yes, eventually rewarded with reciprocal offerings.
I am grateful to all of the people in my life who have offered sincere friendship. I'm not always easy to love, but I'm loyal. I have your back. If you love me, you can rest assured that I'll love you back. I'm happy to return kindness for kindness.
Whatever you have to offer, I'll try to reciprocate - because that's what friendship is.
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