In Praise of "Quiet" - by Sharon Flood Kasenberg

In Praise of Quiet:

Oh Introvert,
you won't exert
exub'rance of
an extrovert.
You'll try and fail -
'side them you'll pale -
until you on
own strengths prevail.
Use what you've got;
delve into thought.
For quiet wisdom
you'll be sought.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, Jan. 12, 2018

In a recent conversation with some of my family, I described myself as an introvert. One of my sisters seemed incredulous, and perhaps rightly so. Her experience with me, as a family member, tells a different story. I'm not "shy" around family - in fact I'm pretty outspoken around most people I'm familiar with. I'm not afraid to talk about most things online - so how can I be an introvert?

Webster's dictionary defines the word introvert as "someone more interested in their own mental  or emotional processes than in outside events etc." To paraphrase this, introverts spend a whole lot of time in their own heads. Introverts thrive on plenty of solitude. They do their best work alone, in peace and quiet. They prefer one on one conversations to spending time in large groups. They often feel anxious about attending social events and physically/emotionally drained afterwards. That doesn't mean they don't want to go, but it does mean that their definition of a great party is one where they found a few friends to spend the evening chatting with. They'd just rather not have to circulate all night long.

I recently finished reading Quiet (The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking) by Susan Cain. A quiz early in the book confirmed what I've always suspected about myself - I am an introvert! (I scored 14 out of 16 on this quiz - which is "based on Characteristics of introversion often accepted by contemporary researchers.")

Susan builds a strong case for the theory that North American society values extroversion over introversion. Think back to your own experiences and you'll see clear examples of times where you were rewarded for "being sociable" - or at least appearing to be sociable - and times when you were shamed for being too shy, cautious or solitary. It shouldn't be so surprising that many of us, as introverts, learned to become adept at hiding in plain sight. Appearing more extroverted than we are becomes a survival tactic. Let me elaborate:

How many times in school did you have to do "group work", give presentations to a group, answer questions in front of a group, and so on? Can you see that many of these situations are intimidating to quiet (or less socially confident) children and advantageous to those who are more extroverted? I did well in school, and as a result I had confidence when it came to answering questions - but I hated having to work in groups larger than three. I just wanted to go do my own work in peace and quiet - to focus all my energy on one task without a million distractions. Introverts work very effectively when they're allowed to process things at their own pace and prioritize time for themselves - and by themselves. Introverts aren't wild about group efforts and collaborations. They have their own ideas about how projects need to be completed, and just want to get on with it. Having to listen to a whole lot of extroverts work through their thoughts verbally sounds like a waste of time to us.

But sadly the prevailing attitudes in North America don't often play to the needs of the quiet, and quiet-loving, souls among us, and educators seem to be increasingly relying on group interaction within their classrooms.

I remember one scenario from my high school days that demonstrates exactly the sort of school experience that can make classroom learning miserable for an introvert. In my grade nine math class, I didn't know a soul. Strike one - I felt anxious just going to class. I soon discovered that for the first time ever I was completely confused by the subject material - which was a huge blow to my usually academically confident self - strike two. Because of those first two points, I was terrified to raise my hand and ask questions - and when I finally got up the nerve to do so, I encountered my worst feelings of inadequacy yet. You see, my teacher's solution to "helping" students who didn't understand was to send them up to the blackboard to "try and solve the problem themselves". I didn't even know where to begin solving those equations, and publicly demonstrating my ignorance was a resounding strike three for my ability to become mathematically proficient. After a couple rounds of public humiliation, I gave up and accepted failing grades - for the first time in my life. What's really sad about this experience is that I'm certain there were kids in that class who were more intimidated by that "helping" process than I ever was!

The upside of that experience was that I began to learn empathy for those who were more withdrawn than I was. As I began to look around for the kids who were obviously suffering more social discomfort than I was, I gained confidence - and found friends I could relate to. I learned that others, who seemed far shier than I was, were comfortable sharing their experiences and frustrations with me.

Navigating education was nothing compared to my early experiences with dating. An extrovert has no problem speaking up and demonstrating interest. An introvert, on the other hand, needs to know with absolute certainty that the other party "likes" them before they'll give anything away. Because they spend so much time with their own thoughts, introverts are a lot more likely to second-guess themselves during social interactions. Here's a classic example from my own youth:

I was at a wedding reception and a guy I had a huge crush on asked me to dance. But I was uncertain that he'd asked me to dance because he hadn't asked me by name. So I hesitated - I mean - could he really have asked me to dance? In my moment of hesitation/disbelief a far more extroverted and popular girl seated next to me jumped up and said, "Sure - I'll dance with you!" Friends seated with me were certain that the invitation had been intended for me, and could see how crestfallen I was to have missed the opportunity. Forty years later, I still wish I'd done what the other girl did - simply jumped up and danced with him. But older, wiser, and still introverted me can't help but remember that he never asked again.

Let me tell you - I'm convinced that introverts suffer a lot of heartbreak before they find someone who's willing to take them as they are. While I love having a husband I can talk to, I'm even more appreciative of the fact that we can enjoy comfortable silences together.

Perhaps the only thing more challenging for an introvert than finding a trusted romantic partner is finding employment. Every manager wants to hire the proverbial "People Person" - whether or not sociability weighs heavily into the person's ability to do the job. Employers ask questions that are skewed toward extroverts. They want future hires to prove that they're charismatic. They want proof they can play to the crowd and sway others to their way of thinking, and whether their ideas merit being adopted by others is often a secondary concern. In spite of the fact that "slow and steady wins the race", North American employers consistently show a marked preference for hares over tortoises.

Many introverts learn to fake it in order to be hired. Some continue to put on an act at work, and essentially live double lives. Their "work persona" seems bubbly and energetic, but at home they are quiet, subdued and energized by their solitary pursuits. Other introverts are lucky enough to find employment that they feel passionately about - and a passionate introvert doesn't need to pretend. No matter how "shy" they may be, chances are they'll have areas of interest that they feel so strongly about that they could talk about them for hours with anyone who shares that interest - or expresses curiosity about it. Some passionate introverts learn to excel at making speeches and public presentations simply because they feel so strongly about their cause, or their area of expertise.

Remember this - people often differ from what we perceive them to be. All introverts don't manifest as "shy". Many, like me, learn to speak up for themselves. Many more of us are confident sharing our ideas in written form. We learn to let out some of the thoughts that keep us looking inward, and by sharing them become more outwardly focused. Reaching out to share our unique gifts with others increases our confidence - and helps us locate the other quiet, deep-thinking uni-taskers around us.

So here's to all the introverts out there - the ones who have fully embraced their "quiet" and the ones who push themselves far into the fray on a daily basis. We are important. We have plenty to offer in a noisy world. Some will see our meticulous efforts as plodding, and our desire to be alone as anti-social, but others will see who we really are - and love us. They'll appreciate our ability to listen and analyze the facts before offering a thoughtful response. They'll appreciate our more cautious nature, and the creative solutions our busy, observant brains dream up. They'll value the close relationships we offer them, over being part of an extrovert's large entourage. Some will ask us to dance again - and again...

In this chaotic world, it's often the quieter powers employed by the inwardly-focused that keep those around them grounded and comfortable.

Resolute! By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

Resolute:

This I resolve:
I will evolve.
I'll problem solve,
and not dissolve.

I'll be aware,
and swear I'll dare
to really care
how others fare.

I'll try to plant
and not to rant;
to words decant
without a slant.

I won't impute
or fuel dispute -
I'll be astute.
I'm resolute.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, January 3, 2018

It's the same every year. As soon as the holidays begin wrapping up everyone begins talking about resolutions. I'll admit that I begin to think about what I want to accomplish over the next year of my life too, but I've stopped being so focused on the goals themselves.

Let me explain. I used to go at this beginning of the year stuff with great gusto - writing a series of journal entries that broke down all of my yearly goals into tiny increments of improvement in a wide variety of categories. It was overkill, and I found that setting too many precise goals left me feeling overburdened before January was finished. And that is what prompted me to spend so much of my time lazing in the town of Stalledandstuck, instead of moving on to that great intermediate town of Progress - that was en route to the even bigger and more exciting place called Success. (See my earlier post, "Progress: A Sharp Right Turn before Stalledandstuck")

Now, contrary to the advice I've always been given, which is to set "specific" goals, I'm back to looking for general improvements in my life. The poem above lists a few of the areas where I could stand to see a little progress in my life.

1) I can be far too rigid. My fallback mode is to play the role of "old dog" - not too quick to pick up new tricks. My sister recently had her grandson point out to her that she wasn't old - just "her number" was. I need to remember that. The "number" is getting up there, and I can forget that it doesn't need to dictate how I live, or how I have fun. On New Year's Eve my son, daughter-in-law and exchange student invited me to go tobogganing with them. My first instinct was to say no - "Bah humbug!" said my brain, "You're too old for that kind of foolishness!" Thankfully I took some time to weigh out my decision. The hill was small. I had no preexisting injuries to worry about; no arthritis, no sore back. I had plenty of warm clothes to wear. In short, I had no significant reason to say no, so I went. Maybe I'm evolving beyond the point where I let "the number" hold me back. That gives me hope that I can evolve to move beyond a few other hang-ups too.

2) I stress too much over little things. When I'm overtired every tiny issue or setback in my life seems huge. I complain too much and spend too little time thinking my way through the problems at hand. A negative cycle can occur, wherein I end up angry, frustrated with myself, and finally embarrassed by the fact that I lost my cool somehow - gave in to tears or anger instead of working things through rationally. This year I'll work harder at not letting myself "dissolve" when I'm overtired and over-wrought. I'll try to remember to give myself a "time out" before I get to my breaking point.

3) Sometimes I'm just not as observant as I should be. I can get caught up in my own little world and not notice where I might be of service to others. At other times, I can see where I might be helpful, but I don't offer aid because I'm afraid I'll cause offense or my offer will simply be refused. (Offers refused or ignored can seriously look like rejection to me...but I'm learning that I shouldn't see it that way. People often need to know they can trust you before they'll accept your help.) I'm trying harder to trust my kinder impulses and let others know that I'm thinking of them - and I care.

4) I'm trying to become less inclined to push my opinions on others, but that's a tough slog. The urge to rant on and on (and on!) is ever present. I constantly need to remind myself that I don't need to engage in every debate, let alone win. If I can say - or write - one thought that plants a small seed of inquiry in another mind it really is enough. I don't need to let my biases show constantly. In fact, I'm learning that if I try to hide them a bit more often I learn how to listen better and forge more trusting relationships with those who see things differently.

5) I will continue making efforts to be kinder. This point goes along with the above paragraph. Sometimes it's just too darned easy to spew out a biased opinion. I forget to keep my wits about me and weigh out my commentary before I speak, which is often a counterproductive strategy.

No - this year instead of making all kinds of resolutions I am simply aiming to be more resolute. I will aim to not become sidetracked - in whatever goals I make along the way - by difficulties or opposition I encounter, or by risks I perceive. I'll do a few more things that take me out of my comfort zone - which is slowly expanding. I won't back down every time some task seems too challenging. I'll read harder books, take on new projects, and I'll learn some new things.

This I resolve:
I will evolve.