Be Kind to Yourself
Make peace with yourself -
who you are; who you were -
think of the hardships
you've had to endure.
You might have regrets
about things that you did,
and choices you made
that you hoped would stay hid -
we've all made mistakes
that we'd like to undo -
be kind to yourself
and forgive the old you.
You've turned out quite well;
your opinion is sought.
Your wisdom increasing -
it was quite dearly bought.
You've earned some respect
since you've started to be
a person who cares,
and who lives decently.
Be kind to yourself
and just live as you should.
You've shed who you were
and become someone good.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, July 30, 2018
A friend recently recently talked about how much he enjoys adopting the persona of a character he once portrayed in a play. It got me thinking about the different roles we take on in life - the roles we're forced into and the ones we willingly take on. I think that most of us embody different personas along the way as different aspects of our personality come to the forefront under different circumstances.
To state that I lacked confidence as a youth would be putting it mildly. I never saw myself as pretty enough, smart enough or good enough. I had a few good friends, but never considered myself overly popular. In my own eyes, I always fell short of what I thought I should be.
It often felt like I was harbouring a couple of different people inside. What I considered "real me" was somewhere between the person who manifested herself at school, and the person my family knew. My closest friends caught occasional glimpses of that fun, wacky person, but "she" didn't emerge as often as she should have - I was far too worried that if I cut loose, people would ridicule me. A lot of the time I would've been happy to be just about anyone but me.
When I got married (at 26) I was beginning to come into my own, but motherhood set me back a bit. Having two sons in rapid succession left me tired, cranky and impatient far too often. Once again I seemed to spend too many days disliking the person who I seemed to be at the time. Money was perpetually tight in those days, and my husband was still in Grad school until our younger son was a year old. My parents lived three hours away, so I didn't have a lot of family support. We scrimped and saved to pay for a babysitter every few weekends so that we could get out without the boys, and I could escape needy toddlers for a few hours.
At the time it felt like a lot of my friends were acing motherhood - doing it so much better than I was. Now that I look back with my increased life experience, it's dawned on me that I've always been more open about my struggles than many. In retrospect, I can also see how one friend had less financial stress, and another had a mom nearby who took her kids fairly often, and others simply had the ability to appear confident - even when they may have been as uncertain as I was. It took me a lot of years to see that I did pretty well most of the time.
Hindsight has taught me that forgiving the flaws of your past self finally comes once you've fully acknowledged everything you were up against in those worst moments.
It took me a long time to realize that I was critical of myself - and others - because I'd been raised around too much criticism. I aimed for perfection, and felt that I couldn't allow myself to be happy about making incremental improvements in myself. For most of my life, I was far too judgmental. In my mid-forties, not liking the way my "inner critic" was taking over my internal monologue (and far too often my external dialogue as well), I began to rethink the way I lived and the things I professed to believe. Oddly, the things I really believed at my core never came into question. I knew that I'd always had a deep sense of morality - I knew good from bad, and had a huge capacity for kindness. I'd just never figured out how to be kind to myself.
I began to actively search for the positives in my life - not just taking time to enjoy great moments in the present, but to rethink my past in a kinder light. I searched for the best parts of myself - aspects that had consistently been part of me - even throughout the less than stellar parts of my life - and I found them.
It's easy to look back at who we used to be and chastise that person with all kinds of advice about what we shoulda/woulda/coulda done differently, but I've come to the conclusion that those types of recriminations aren't fair or kind. Most of us tried to do the best we could, and when we erred we paid the price. The mistakes we've already made are behind us, and craning our necks to keep looking at them only bends us out of shape.
Now in my fifties, I've finally managed to (mostly) forgive the less than flattering aspects of my old selves. By making peace with "them", I've became a lot more comfortable with the person I am now. I can throw myself into a role when I'm participating in a murder mystery or telling a tall tale at Toastmasters - and have a great time doing it - but I don't want to be anyone other than who I am. I can claim ownership of the creativity that temporarily brings these characters to life - and that's enough for me.
I love knowing that I can still play and create. I can cut loose without worrying that anyone (or at least anyone who matters) will ever think less of me for letting out my inner goofball. Yesterday, I posted video of myself telling my prize-winning "Tall Tale." The second I saw myself onscreen I started to think negative thoughts about how physically unflattering the video is - I look fat, I should have fixed my hair, put on more makeup... I almost didn't post it. Then I caught myself and posted it - with only one small disclaimer about not being quite as fat as I look. (Hey - it's progress!) I think it's a funny video - who cares if anyone criticizes the way I look? It's not an audition tape for a beauty pageant, just a spur of the moment recording I did to make people laugh. A lot of people have watched it now, and I'm not going to feel badly about the fact that I don't look awesome in it. I've finally figured out that I have other ways of shining.
It is hugely satisfying to know that I'm making progress - and that I'll have opportunities to learn and grow for as long as I live. At last I can say that I like who I'm becoming. So here is my advice to you:
Be kind to yourself - you' re still evolving too.
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