Forward Thinking
I must confess to feeling stress -
the future is uncertain.
I might choose "door", but can't ignore
what hides behind the "curtain."
What e'er occurs, the present blurs
the days that lie before us;
succeed or fail, strength will prevail
if victory ignores us.
I've ascertained that nothing's gained
by never taking chances;
So eyes ahead - I've learned to dread
regretful backward glances.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, September 24, 2018
I've learned that the only thing harder than taking chances and exploring new territory myself is watching the people I love embrace chance. I'll confess that as a younger mother I was relieved that my sons weren't particularly athletic and not "team joiners." I often joke that it would've been hard for me to cheer them on when watching sporting events usually bores me stiff, and I likely wouldn't have been particularly thrilled when their team won or upset if they lost. I would've hated having to encourage them through those periods of personal disappointment when they did their best, but still didn't win. That's because I see winning and losing a little differently than most.
I have trouble with the concepts of "winning" and "losing". I think that any effort we make toward positive change is victory - regardless of whether or not we achieve every last thing we set out to do. Any time we take a leap out of our comfort zone we're being brave, and knowing that we had the courage to try is a reward in itself.
Victories are often bittersweet, and losses don't equal failures. As long as we learn from the experience we gained from working toward a goal, we've won something that nobody can ever take away from us.
Recently I won my first trophy ever. I entered a speech contest at Toastmasters. I practiced for hours before the competition and memorized every word and gesture. When I sat down after making my audience laugh for six minutes I felt that I'd won - and I would have refused to stop feeling that I'd won regardless of whether my name had been engraved on the trophy. I did something that was hard for me, and I did it better than I'd ever done it before - victory!
You see, up until the last decade of my life, I was so afraid of failing that I refused to compete - at anything. The fact that I'm brave enough to blog about my thoughts and feelings still astounds me - and I've been doing this for ten years! The blogs that I wrote early on got very little traction, but I kept writing - another victory. After a lifetime of staying in the background, I was putting myself out there - into cyberspace - and hoping that somewhere along the line a few people would care what I had to say - and maybe even be able to relate to some of my posts. And from someone who subconsciously bought into the notion that if you couldn't be "best" at something you were better off never trying, that was something.
As a mother I tried not to encourage competition among my sons. I refused to believe that one was inherently better than the other, and as a result my two very different sons get along really well and enjoy each other when they're together. I don't think there's any kind of "Mom loves you better" dialogue between them. I never asked them if they were first in their class or consciously compared them to friends or classmates. I was happy if a C became a B, or a B grew into an A. The only person I need to compete with is me, and the only person you need to compete with is you.
Accolades aren't what matters in life. Sometimes we'll demonstrate mediocre ability and be praised to the hilt - and still be disappointed in ourselves because we know we didn't give our best. Other times we'll throw everything we have into an effort and get no recognition whatsoever, but still manage to walk away with head held high.
My husband and sons know how I feel about winning and losing. They know that I'm proud of every effort they make. One of my proudest moments as a mom was watching my younger son come onstage and utter less than three lines in a play that he'd written and directed. I didn't jump up and down and scream "That's my boy!" - but he knew I was there thinking it. If his play had received weak applause I would've been just as proud as I was during his standing ovation.
Win or lose, life goes on in this family. We love each other, we respect each other and we enjoy each other. Whether there are trophies, titles or awards in the offing, none of those things change.
We don't admit defeat, but carry on - in personal victory - heads held high.
Forward thinking is all about continuing to move ahead, regardless of whether your attempt was deemed a victory, or a defeat.
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