Parallel Dilemmas
I'm afraid to be old
there is so much life gone,
and a lot I was told
made me feel like a pawn.
Tell me, what can I do
to recoup wasted days?
Up ahead there seem few,
can I still change my ways?
While I mourn all I've lost
through the wisdom I've found
I will question the cost
of soul coming unbound.
You're afraid to be young -
there is so much ahead -
perhaps coming unstrung,
but consumed by the dread
that through days that await
your life may not improve
because no twist of fate
can all problems remove.
Will you end up alone?
Will you find all you want?
If a clear path is shown
will it beckon or taunt?
There are fears to be found
every phase of each life;
we will always seem wound
in a huge ball of strife.
each, encumbered by doubt,
has decisions to make
and will stall and reroute,
finding new roads to take.
I will fall, you will fail;
we'll both stumble and slip -
maybe hope can prevail
if some strings we each snip.
Tell me I'm not too old
and a string will be cut -
I'll remind you you're bold,
snip another string - but...
I can't promise you ease,
you can't gift me with days;
every answer you seize
will not mirror my ways.
You can say I am strong
and have wisdom to spare,
but your days are still long...
How I wish you could share!
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, May 12, 2019
Ageism exists. It seems that no matter what stage of life we are at, we want what what we perceive as the "perks" that the generations ahead, or behind us, seem to have. Children want to be teenagers who, from their perspective, seem to be largely free of parental control. Teenagers want to be autonomous adults, truly free to make their own decisions. Adults, burdened by bill paying and parenting, long to go back to what they now perceive as their "carefree" youth. Middle-aged people look forward to retiring; the end of long days at work and more time for friends and family. Senior citizens, frustrated with the frailties of age, would do just about anything to go back in time to their "prime of life" - the stage where they were happiest and healthiest.
My experiences, as a mother, and as a host mom to international high school students - and friend to those who have returned home - have taught me that no matter where we are in life, we face common dilemmas. We all have the same basic needs, the same desires, and we all battle insecurities.
So many of the problems faced by humans transcend generational boundaries. My eighty seven year old mother craves friendship as much as my seventeen year old students do. Old, young, or in-between, we all want acceptance from others. We all want to feel confidence in our ability to make good decisions. We all want to feel good about ourselves; to know that we each shine in our own way. We all want to feel satisfaction; to know we are living meaningful lives and making a positive difference in the lives of those we care about.
It's easy to forget how many common struggles are shared across generations when our lives appear so different. One reason we may lack empathy for the problems faced by both older and younger generations is our lack of interaction with them. We tend to choose friends in the same age range as us, people who are going through similar experiences in the same time period. We forget that our experiences all invoke emotional responses, and that those emotions we feel in our particular situation are mirrored by those who are generations removed from us.
To exemplify this point, let's look at some parallel dilemmas that evolve from the decisions we need to make at various stages of life:
Teenagers are at a stage of life where important decisions need to be made. What comes next after they graduate high school? Will they go on to college or university? If so, where? What will they study? If not, where will they get a job? Will they continue to live at home, or find their own apartment?
To a teenager, every one of these decisions is huge. Each decision is filled with uncertainty and fear.
Compare those decisions to the ones made by someone facing retirement. What comes next when they no longer go to work each morning? Will a change in income level require a change of address? What will the retiree do with his/her days without a job to go to?
These are huge decisions too, and often accompanied by fears and uncertainties that could be remarkably similar to those felt by a teenager about to graduate high school. Unlike teenagers, most retirees have had a lot of experience with major life changes; they have moved into different homes and changed jobs. They have experienced life and loss more fully - but they will probably still feel uncertainty and fear. Change is never easy - no matter what stage of life you are in.
I've learned that my life perspective improves when I make friends across generations. I learn as much from seventeen year old friends as I do from those who are in their seventies. I am enriched by being mentored, and being mentor. I covet the wisdom shared by those who have amassed more than I have because they have experienced more life than me. And I envy all the days that lie ahead for those who are younger, as I try to dole out maternal wisdom to sons, and play Yoda to the teenagers who I have opportunities to influence. Through it all, I continue to learn and grow, and in doing so feel amazed by how much we all have in common - regardless of chronological age.
We all yearn to be accepted and valued by those around us - we all want love and companionship.
We all struggle with decisions that we need to make, and we battle self-doubt and fear at every stage of life.
We all want to feel satisfaction and happiness.
We all want to free ourselves from our daily concerns; from the discouraging feelings that we might not be doing everything right, or making all of the right choices.
I think we'd all be happier if we spent more time dwelling on these commonalities, and snipping away - together - at that great ball of strife that keeps us all - young, old and in-between - from making the world a better place.
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