Goofball
Let there not be any doubt -
proudly I proclaim -
inner goofball will come out,
and I feel no shame.
Case is clear - open and shut -
witnesses avow,
it's a fact that I'm a nut,
please don't save me now!
Let me be a happy fool,
sharing the inane,
not afraid to be uncool;
risking your disdain.
No desire to be aloof
holds my imp at bay.
I was born to be a goof -
I think that's okay.
I don't want to stress about
how I am perceived,
thus I'll let my goofball out -
sorry if you're grieved.
Humour is a saving grace -
when my days are done
may you all say I embraced
the art of having fun.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, (Undated: found in the unfinished files)
"I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh"
- Maya Angelou
For several days I've been mulling over a subject for another blog post. I read over the bits and pieces of unfinished jottings I keep on file, and even finished a few verses, but nothing hit the spot...until this morning when I rolled out of bed and wrote a lengthy and rather impressive ode to underwear in fifteen minutes flat! That's when I remembered the poem I start this post with, and suddenly my topic was clear...
Sometimes I actually do a bit of slapdash "research" before I write a blog post. I might google a few points or go on Wikipedia. I might even spend a few hours chasing down articles and reading them.
This time you are just getting my thoughts, and a few quotes. Why, you ask? Welllll...I tried typing "things that are universally funny" into my search engine, and most of what came up didn't strike me as all that amusing.
"Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke"
-Steve Martin
Here, for example, is a list of the top ten things that make Americans laugh:
1) Things our kids say. Okay. This one I agree with. My husband and I still laugh about the time our older son, at about age three, walked into a room full of our assembled guests and solemnly asked, "Are Mom and Dad going to put the boys to bed early tonight and have sex?"
Decades later he still amuses. Yesterday he walked into the room where his father was working.
"Huh -" he said. "I didn't think you were home. I didn't hear you Skyping, farting or cursing!"
2) Sitcoms. This one is harder, because it really depends on which sitcoms you're talking about. Some make me laugh, some...not so much.
3) Memes and Animal Videos. Hmmmm...tough sell. Some memes are pretty funny, but generally I think that memes are overused. Double ditto for animal videos. I could happily live without ever seeing another dancing pet, but to each their own. I laugh at about one meme or animal video in ten. Maybe I'm just too fussy?
4) Reality TV. What? Really??? I can think of few things less likely to make me laugh than the ridiculously "unscripted" world of "reality" programs out there. Just NO.
5) Dad jokes. Why is Dad regarded as funnier than Mom? I asked my husband this question, and he looked at me in disbelief.
"Dads are men," he deadpanned. "And men just naturally do more stupid things than women."
Touche.
6) Knock knock jokes. Yup, they were hilarious when I was six.
7) People mispronouncing words. Here's my take on this one: If a person is a humble sort who makes an honest mistake when pronouncing a word, it is unkind to laugh. However, if the person in question is say...Donald Trump - then go ahead and guff it up! Covfefe!
8) Bad photos of people. My rule: If the person in the picture posted it acknowledging it as a funny photo, giggle all you want. If the photo was posted by someone else, with consent, giggle. If the photo was posted without consent, it was probably posted with the intent to humiliate the person depicted, which is mean, not funny.
9) Puns. Clever wordplay always gets two thumbs up!
10) Watching someone trip and fall. Exercise caution before laughing. Most of us know that it looks funny when we trip, but... Therefore, if the person stands up quickly, laughing heartily, feel free to join in, but there's nothing more unfunny than being caught laughing at a person who is thoroughly embarrassed and perhaps hurt.
The only conclusions I came to from this bit of "research" is that humour is extremely subjective, and that maybe my sense of humour is more sophisticated than I thought, in spite of how amused I can be by the subject of underwear.
"Imagination was given to man to compensate for what he is not; a sense of humour to console him for what he is."
- Francis Bacon
Not to mention what the world is, Francis!
I think laughing is important. Most of us don't do enough of it. Even when I'm feeling quite blue, I can generally manage at least a token snicker once or twice a day, because really - life is pretty ridiculous a whole lot of the time - and even though it often seems like there isn't much to laugh about, the inanities of life tend to collide with my funny bone and temporarily knock me out of the misery zone. I'm grateful for this ability to see a bit of nonsense in a world full of serious problems.
I have become quite interested in Brazil after hosting three students from there. I have interesting and animated messenger conversations with them about the difficulties youth face in that country. In an article I read recently about the problems surrounding post-secondary education in that country - problems created by years of bad leadership - I found the following joke:
God and the angels were admiring God's handiwork after the creation of the world. As they began looking over Brazil, at the beautiful beaches and lush tropical vegetation, the angels began to protest.
"It's too beautiful! Too much like Paradise on earth!" they complained. To which God replied with a chuckle, "Ha! Just wait until you see the losers who will get to run the place!"
I shared this with two of my Brazilian sons, and both found it funny.
"Hah!" responded one. "That is so true it's sad!"
"The first step toward enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself"
-Bashar
I have no idea who Bashar is - or was - but I've come to understand the importance of not always taking myself too seriously. When I was younger, I was often uncertain how I should respond to certain brands of humour. Now that I've given myself permission to unleash my inner goofball, I care a lot less about how I'll be perceived. If I think it's funny, I'll laugh - it's that simple. I might even laugh too long and too loud, and I really don't care whether the people around me are as tickled as I am or not. Spare me from the buzz killing person who feels the urge to say, "it really wasn't that funny, Sharon!"
Honestly, unless the joke was really inappropriate, I'd never say that to anyone else.
I don't think a sense of humour has to be particularly highbrow. Laughter shouldn't be overly complicated. I can laugh at anything I deem amusing, and my standards aren't always that lofty. I like to laugh, and I enjoy watching other people laugh - even when I think the joke is a bit lame.
The world isn't quite as fun as it should be these days, and if life is a theme park ride it has become a rickety old wooden roller coaster that seems destined for imminent collapse. We need things to laugh at more than ever.
As long as your laughter doesn't come at anyone's expense, feel free to guffaw.
Micheal J Fox, a guy who has suffered a few setbacks in life, has this to say -
"I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humour."
Amen, Michael. This goofball couldn't agree more!
Friday, 16 August 2019
Thursday, 25 July 2019
Growing Up With Grandma - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Grandma
Under her dining room table
Wendy and I would play house.
When my cat brought me an off'fring,
Grandma would deal with the mouse.
Spiders she'd kill in my bedroom;
with homework she would assist -
when I had something to finish,
it was her aid I'd enlist.
There, at her dining room table,
I read aloud without fear,
while she sat near in her rocker
lending a listening ear.
Most her time spent in that corner -
there in her old rocking chair -
reading or doing the crosswords;
knitting the mittens we'd wear.
Wasn't a Gram who baked cookies -
just Christmas cake once a year -
her breakfast, toast and black coffee,
those scorched smells in memory clear.
She got riled when we were "saucy";
threatening with her paint stick -
offered her bed after nightmares;
ginger tea when we were sick.
When I was small we'd go walking.
She held my hand on the street.
Later, I repaid protection
as steadiness left her feet.
Everything changed when we lost her.
There was an echo upstairs.
Memories clung to the rooms there -
I saw her at tables; in chairs.
Hers, a huge role in my childhood -
proud of my efforts to learn
she'd hear the stories I'd written
and offer pages to turn.
She kept me honest and humble;
looks weren't important because -
quoting a favorite adage -
"Pretty is as pretty does."
Not quite a typical grandma -
without a doubt she had quirks -
but, looking back on my childhood,
her presence was one of the perks.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, July 23, 2019
If my paternal grandmother was still alive she'd be celebrating a birthday in a day or two, turning one hundred and twenty three.
I grew up in a multi-generational household. When my father built the house I grew up in, the entire second floor was intended to be an apartment for his mother - two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and a half bath. (She used the bathtub downstairs, like the rest of us.) By the time my parents had their fourth child - finally a son! - the second bedroom upstairs was called into service for their three daughters to sleep in. As their fifth child, I shared the second main floor bedroom with my older brother until we were five and seven. At that point my mother was expecting her sixth child, and my parents decided to build an additional bedroom in the basement for my two oldest sisters, and move me upstairs with my next oldest sister. The baby - my younger brother - would share a room with my older brother for as long as it was feasible.
Thus, at the age of almost six I was promoted to life upstairs in Grandma's territory. I had always spent a lot of time with Grandma - she babysat me during the day when my mother worked - but once my bedroom was upstairs I probably spent 75% of my time either in my room or in her living room.
My grandmother was a former schoolteacher. She wasn't the sort of person to make a huge fuss over children, and she might not have been the most popular teacher around, but I'm guessing she was probably an effective educator. If my experience with her was anything to go by, she enjoyed watching children learn. From a very early age she encouraged my imagination. She and I used to play "Hide and Go Seek" - but with a twist. Always a fairly sedentary soul she didn't often leave her rocking chair in the corner, so we pretended we were two inches tall, and imagined where, in her living room, we would hide. I often chose a spot in her china cabinet, which was full of teacups and decorative "knick knacks" that two inch me could hide in or behind. I cheated like crazy, often changing imaginary locations when she guessed my location too soon. She probably knew this, but seemed happy enough to keep on knitting while guessing where I was.
When I started school my grandmother always took an avid interest in what I was learning. I usually did my homework at her dining room table, which was pushed into a corner in her her living room. She didn't own a television, so it was quiet up there, except for those rare occasions when she'd turn on her radio. As an added bonus, she was always happy to help me if I couldn't sound out a word or needed help with a math problem. As I got older, I tested every assignment on her. She helped me practice oral assignments, and proof read my book reports and projects. I always loved to write stories, and Grandma usually heard them first.
I always thought of my other grandmother - my mother's mother - as being more of a quintessential "grandmother". She was an incredible cook and baker. She kept an immaculate house and always had fresh preserves to share. Grandma wasn't like that. Her apartment was always covered in a fine layer of dust, she didn't bake - except for an annual Christmas cake when I was small - and her meals were so simple, and scanty - that by the time I was in my early teens my parents were inviting her to eat supper with us almost every evening. (My mom actually worried that she was malnourished.) It is safe to say that Grandma Flood was not well versed in the domestic arts!
She read a lot, in her later years mostly Harlequin romances, which she called her "stories". She did crossword puzzles endlessly, and played countless games of solitaire. She knitted a lot of mittens and slippers. The gifts she gave her grandchildren reflected her interests - books, and mitts and/or slippers were the usual Christmas gifts, and for birthdays a few dollars inside a card. She encouraged my love of reading; I couldn't sit and read on her couch without her asking me what book I was reading and whether I was enjoying it. When I laughed out loud she always wanted me to read her the funny part.
I think there are valuable lessons learned from growing up in a household that includes grandparents.
My grandmother wasn't a social butterfly, but she welcomed company. Her older sister, Lila, was a frequent guest, and her brother Melvin - who snored like a mating moose - spent a lot of time at our house in her later years. I learned to be very comfortable around older people, which I think is an advantage to living with the elderly when you are young. I valued my grandmother's wisdom - true, there were eye rolling moments when she said something that demonstrated outmoded attitudes - but I respected the fact that she had gained some valuable knowledge and experience over the course of her life. As she got older, and I witnessed the decline of her health, I learned that aging takes its toll. I witnessed "episodes" of senility - days when she pulled her pantyhose up over her dress and acted strangely. I learned the importance of looking out for the elderly when she needed me to take her by the arm when we walked to the store. She taught me a level of caring that too few youth experience today.
A few months before my eighteenth birthday my grandmother had a stroke. I was the one who found her, sprawled half in and half out of the rocking chair in the corner.
"Help, me - move me!" she slurred through a down turned mouth. I ran next door, and our neighbours came to help make her comfortable while we waited for an ambulance. My parents came home from church, and I helped make phone calls to my older siblings. I took my turn sitting beside her bed until she died. As far as I know, those words she said to me were the last she spoke coherently.
Her death taught me about grief. The hole left behind when someone you love - someone who has played a huge role in your life - is suddenly gone. Through losing her I learned valuable lessons about compassion, lessons that most of my peers had yet to learn.
My grandmother helped me in many ways in my youth. Her presence in my life taught me valuable lessons about family, education, learning and loving. Remembering her life, and the way it impacted mine, moves me constantly. Remembering how she always wanted a goodnight kiss motivated me to be sure my husband and sons never went to sleep without one. Remembering how she loved to see me read, I bought my children books. Remembering how frail she became has motivated me to try to live an active, healthy life. Growing old is inevitable, if we live long enough, but eating well and moving more as we age will help the process be more gradual and pleasant.
I often wonder what she would have thought of my husband, or my sons. She's been gone from my life more than twice as long as she was in it, but she is a constant presence in it still.
Happy Birthday, Grandma! Thank you for being a good teacher.
Under her dining room table
Wendy and I would play house.
When my cat brought me an off'fring,
Grandma would deal with the mouse.
Spiders she'd kill in my bedroom;
with homework she would assist -
when I had something to finish,
it was her aid I'd enlist.
There, at her dining room table,
I read aloud without fear,
while she sat near in her rocker
lending a listening ear.
Most her time spent in that corner -
there in her old rocking chair -
reading or doing the crosswords;
knitting the mittens we'd wear.
Wasn't a Gram who baked cookies -
just Christmas cake once a year -
her breakfast, toast and black coffee,
those scorched smells in memory clear.
She got riled when we were "saucy";
threatening with her paint stick -
offered her bed after nightmares;
ginger tea when we were sick.
When I was small we'd go walking.
She held my hand on the street.
Later, I repaid protection
as steadiness left her feet.
Everything changed when we lost her.
There was an echo upstairs.
Memories clung to the rooms there -
I saw her at tables; in chairs.
Hers, a huge role in my childhood -
proud of my efforts to learn
she'd hear the stories I'd written
and offer pages to turn.
She kept me honest and humble;
looks weren't important because -
quoting a favorite adage -
"Pretty is as pretty does."
Not quite a typical grandma -
without a doubt she had quirks -
but, looking back on my childhood,
her presence was one of the perks.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, July 23, 2019
If my paternal grandmother was still alive she'd be celebrating a birthday in a day or two, turning one hundred and twenty three.
I grew up in a multi-generational household. When my father built the house I grew up in, the entire second floor was intended to be an apartment for his mother - two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and a half bath. (She used the bathtub downstairs, like the rest of us.) By the time my parents had their fourth child - finally a son! - the second bedroom upstairs was called into service for their three daughters to sleep in. As their fifth child, I shared the second main floor bedroom with my older brother until we were five and seven. At that point my mother was expecting her sixth child, and my parents decided to build an additional bedroom in the basement for my two oldest sisters, and move me upstairs with my next oldest sister. The baby - my younger brother - would share a room with my older brother for as long as it was feasible.
Thus, at the age of almost six I was promoted to life upstairs in Grandma's territory. I had always spent a lot of time with Grandma - she babysat me during the day when my mother worked - but once my bedroom was upstairs I probably spent 75% of my time either in my room or in her living room.
My grandmother was a former schoolteacher. She wasn't the sort of person to make a huge fuss over children, and she might not have been the most popular teacher around, but I'm guessing she was probably an effective educator. If my experience with her was anything to go by, she enjoyed watching children learn. From a very early age she encouraged my imagination. She and I used to play "Hide and Go Seek" - but with a twist. Always a fairly sedentary soul she didn't often leave her rocking chair in the corner, so we pretended we were two inches tall, and imagined where, in her living room, we would hide. I often chose a spot in her china cabinet, which was full of teacups and decorative "knick knacks" that two inch me could hide in or behind. I cheated like crazy, often changing imaginary locations when she guessed my location too soon. She probably knew this, but seemed happy enough to keep on knitting while guessing where I was.
When I started school my grandmother always took an avid interest in what I was learning. I usually did my homework at her dining room table, which was pushed into a corner in her her living room. She didn't own a television, so it was quiet up there, except for those rare occasions when she'd turn on her radio. As an added bonus, she was always happy to help me if I couldn't sound out a word or needed help with a math problem. As I got older, I tested every assignment on her. She helped me practice oral assignments, and proof read my book reports and projects. I always loved to write stories, and Grandma usually heard them first.
I always thought of my other grandmother - my mother's mother - as being more of a quintessential "grandmother". She was an incredible cook and baker. She kept an immaculate house and always had fresh preserves to share. Grandma wasn't like that. Her apartment was always covered in a fine layer of dust, she didn't bake - except for an annual Christmas cake when I was small - and her meals were so simple, and scanty - that by the time I was in my early teens my parents were inviting her to eat supper with us almost every evening. (My mom actually worried that she was malnourished.) It is safe to say that Grandma Flood was not well versed in the domestic arts!
She read a lot, in her later years mostly Harlequin romances, which she called her "stories". She did crossword puzzles endlessly, and played countless games of solitaire. She knitted a lot of mittens and slippers. The gifts she gave her grandchildren reflected her interests - books, and mitts and/or slippers were the usual Christmas gifts, and for birthdays a few dollars inside a card. She encouraged my love of reading; I couldn't sit and read on her couch without her asking me what book I was reading and whether I was enjoying it. When I laughed out loud she always wanted me to read her the funny part.
I think there are valuable lessons learned from growing up in a household that includes grandparents.
My grandmother wasn't a social butterfly, but she welcomed company. Her older sister, Lila, was a frequent guest, and her brother Melvin - who snored like a mating moose - spent a lot of time at our house in her later years. I learned to be very comfortable around older people, which I think is an advantage to living with the elderly when you are young. I valued my grandmother's wisdom - true, there were eye rolling moments when she said something that demonstrated outmoded attitudes - but I respected the fact that she had gained some valuable knowledge and experience over the course of her life. As she got older, and I witnessed the decline of her health, I learned that aging takes its toll. I witnessed "episodes" of senility - days when she pulled her pantyhose up over her dress and acted strangely. I learned the importance of looking out for the elderly when she needed me to take her by the arm when we walked to the store. She taught me a level of caring that too few youth experience today.
A few months before my eighteenth birthday my grandmother had a stroke. I was the one who found her, sprawled half in and half out of the rocking chair in the corner.
"Help, me - move me!" she slurred through a down turned mouth. I ran next door, and our neighbours came to help make her comfortable while we waited for an ambulance. My parents came home from church, and I helped make phone calls to my older siblings. I took my turn sitting beside her bed until she died. As far as I know, those words she said to me were the last she spoke coherently.
Her death taught me about grief. The hole left behind when someone you love - someone who has played a huge role in your life - is suddenly gone. Through losing her I learned valuable lessons about compassion, lessons that most of my peers had yet to learn.
My grandmother helped me in many ways in my youth. Her presence in my life taught me valuable lessons about family, education, learning and loving. Remembering her life, and the way it impacted mine, moves me constantly. Remembering how she always wanted a goodnight kiss motivated me to be sure my husband and sons never went to sleep without one. Remembering how she loved to see me read, I bought my children books. Remembering how frail she became has motivated me to try to live an active, healthy life. Growing old is inevitable, if we live long enough, but eating well and moving more as we age will help the process be more gradual and pleasant.
I often wonder what she would have thought of my husband, or my sons. She's been gone from my life more than twice as long as she was in it, but she is a constant presence in it still.
Happy Birthday, Grandma! Thank you for being a good teacher.
Monday, 8 July 2019
Let's Hear it for the Boys! By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
For My Boys:
We say hello as strangers;
we say goodbye as friends.
What's established in between -
it never really ends.
I know I'm not your parent
and that you'll have to leave,
but to me you're important
and when you go I'll grieve.
My house feels far too empty -
I miss your presence here;
and though goodbyes are painful,
I hope that this is clear:
I'm glad I got to know you
and though you've gone away,
I hope to reassure you
that in my heart you'll stay.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, July 7, 2019
Almost two years ago my husband and I embarked on a new adventure when we agreed to become host parents to international students attending the local high school.
My husband had heard a presentation given by the local exchange program coordinator, and one of her then-current students, and was quite enthusiastic about the two of us hosting students. I, on the other hand, required some convincing. I was worried about privacy concerns, and a bit daunted by the idea of opening my home to strangers. I'm also not much of a cook, and I worried about keeping teenagers decently fed.
I'm glad that I was able to move past my concerns and agreed to become a host parent, because the experience has enriched my life immensely.
The first student we had came to us mid-semester. He wasn't a good fit with his first host family, and when he came to our home it was clear to me that he was lonely. He really wanted some time and attention from us so that he could improve his English skills before he returned to Brazil. He was sweet and smart, and grateful for everything we could do for him and everything we gave him. He kept me company when my husband as busy, and became adept at playing my favourite games. I soon I realized that I really liked having this boy around - I enjoyed his laughter and his thirst for knowledge. He complimented my iffy cooking skills and made me feel useful. I never imagined the wave of grief I'd feel when he left...
Our second student wasn't a good fit with our family's culture. She went on to another home after six weeks, leaving me feeling that I had completely failed as a host mother. It took a while for me to be able to assess the situation with clarity, and accept that we simply wouldn't hit it off with every student. That situation also helped us set some parameters as host parents. Since I spend more time with the students than my husband does, and because I have two sons of my own, and no daughters, I decided I was more comfortable hosting boys.
I'm not going to tell you that I got over that second experience quickly, but I'm convinced that having her go elsewhere was the best decision for all concerned. Four months after she left our home, we were offered the opportunity to host a boy from Italy for ten months. Because I felt I had "failed" with my last student I took some convincing, but decided to try it again - and I'm so glad I did! Our Italian son was a joy from the moment he arrived with his ready smile, cheerful disposition and generous nature. After he'd lived with us for about a week, I was already so heartened by the experience that when asked if we'd be willing to host another student from Brazil, I said yes without hesitation.
I hoped that my two students would become friends, and they surpassed my expectations in that way, and a whole lot of other ways too. At a time in my life when I was feeling a bit blue and a more than bit aimless, they cheered me up and gave me purpose. They ate my mediocre meals without complaining, and let me know that they loved my desserts. We had long conversations and laughed together like lunatics. They took my unsolicited advice stoically, and even offered a bit of their own on occasion. They taught me that friendships can cross generations - and I've since learned that they can cross continents too.
At the end of the first semester, our Brazilian student went home. I cried for days. He and I had become great friends, in part because his English skills were already so good when he arrived that there were no linguistic barriers to overcome. I pulled myself together and welcomed another Brazilian student into our home eight days after his departure.
Our third Brazilian student was harder for me to get to know, but he came to me for help with his English, and it was very gratifying to see how quickly he began to master the language. He proved to be smart, determined, and helpful. When I went to visit my son for a week, both boys assisted my husband with meals and housework, and when I came home they let me know they had missed me.
Our students become family to us; they share our meals and are part of our holiday and family celebrations. We don't just house them and feed them - we enjoy them. We listen to them and try to build their self esteem. When our second Brazilian student arrived, I explained to him and his Italian "brother" that I admired their courage - I knew it had to be hard for them to come to Canada from so far away - to immerse themselves in a foreign language and culture, and to live with strangers.
"But - " I added, "it's hard for us too. We invite you to live with us without knowing who you are or whether we'll all get along. We just hope it all works out."
For our family, hosting has worked out wonderfully. Our older son lives with us, and though he is more than a decade older than our students, he becomes friends with them, and misses them when they leave. My younger son, married and living far away, always asks how things are going with our students. My mother buys them Christmas presents, and hugs them when she has her last visit with them before they leave.
Let me tell you - those departures are hard! We said goodbye to our third Brazilian eleven days ago, and to our Italian student eight days ago. I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't a teary week. My mother asked me how I could keep hosting when it is so hard to watch them go. I told her that I couldn't consider not doing this again when I now have additional sons on two continents!
I hope we will be able to open our home to more boys in the autumn. Our lives are happier because of the friendships we have built - and I'd love to see this hosting tradition continue. Every message I get from "my boys" fills my heart with gratitude for the opportunity I had to be a their "mom" for a short period of time, and their friend for the rest of my days; every video chat reminds me that the goodbyes are never final.
We are all part of each others' lives now, no matter how far apart we are.
We say hello as strangers;
we say goodbye as friends.
What's established in between -
it never really ends.
I know I'm not your parent
and that you'll have to leave,
but to me you're important
and when you go I'll grieve.
My house feels far too empty -
I miss your presence here;
and though goodbyes are painful,
I hope that this is clear:
I'm glad I got to know you
and though you've gone away,
I hope to reassure you
that in my heart you'll stay.
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, July 7, 2019
Almost two years ago my husband and I embarked on a new adventure when we agreed to become host parents to international students attending the local high school.
My husband had heard a presentation given by the local exchange program coordinator, and one of her then-current students, and was quite enthusiastic about the two of us hosting students. I, on the other hand, required some convincing. I was worried about privacy concerns, and a bit daunted by the idea of opening my home to strangers. I'm also not much of a cook, and I worried about keeping teenagers decently fed.
I'm glad that I was able to move past my concerns and agreed to become a host parent, because the experience has enriched my life immensely.
The first student we had came to us mid-semester. He wasn't a good fit with his first host family, and when he came to our home it was clear to me that he was lonely. He really wanted some time and attention from us so that he could improve his English skills before he returned to Brazil. He was sweet and smart, and grateful for everything we could do for him and everything we gave him. He kept me company when my husband as busy, and became adept at playing my favourite games. I soon I realized that I really liked having this boy around - I enjoyed his laughter and his thirst for knowledge. He complimented my iffy cooking skills and made me feel useful. I never imagined the wave of grief I'd feel when he left...
Our second student wasn't a good fit with our family's culture. She went on to another home after six weeks, leaving me feeling that I had completely failed as a host mother. It took a while for me to be able to assess the situation with clarity, and accept that we simply wouldn't hit it off with every student. That situation also helped us set some parameters as host parents. Since I spend more time with the students than my husband does, and because I have two sons of my own, and no daughters, I decided I was more comfortable hosting boys.
I'm not going to tell you that I got over that second experience quickly, but I'm convinced that having her go elsewhere was the best decision for all concerned. Four months after she left our home, we were offered the opportunity to host a boy from Italy for ten months. Because I felt I had "failed" with my last student I took some convincing, but decided to try it again - and I'm so glad I did! Our Italian son was a joy from the moment he arrived with his ready smile, cheerful disposition and generous nature. After he'd lived with us for about a week, I was already so heartened by the experience that when asked if we'd be willing to host another student from Brazil, I said yes without hesitation.
I hoped that my two students would become friends, and they surpassed my expectations in that way, and a whole lot of other ways too. At a time in my life when I was feeling a bit blue and a more than bit aimless, they cheered me up and gave me purpose. They ate my mediocre meals without complaining, and let me know that they loved my desserts. We had long conversations and laughed together like lunatics. They took my unsolicited advice stoically, and even offered a bit of their own on occasion. They taught me that friendships can cross generations - and I've since learned that they can cross continents too.
At the end of the first semester, our Brazilian student went home. I cried for days. He and I had become great friends, in part because his English skills were already so good when he arrived that there were no linguistic barriers to overcome. I pulled myself together and welcomed another Brazilian student into our home eight days after his departure.
Our third Brazilian student was harder for me to get to know, but he came to me for help with his English, and it was very gratifying to see how quickly he began to master the language. He proved to be smart, determined, and helpful. When I went to visit my son for a week, both boys assisted my husband with meals and housework, and when I came home they let me know they had missed me.
Our students become family to us; they share our meals and are part of our holiday and family celebrations. We don't just house them and feed them - we enjoy them. We listen to them and try to build their self esteem. When our second Brazilian student arrived, I explained to him and his Italian "brother" that I admired their courage - I knew it had to be hard for them to come to Canada from so far away - to immerse themselves in a foreign language and culture, and to live with strangers.
"But - " I added, "it's hard for us too. We invite you to live with us without knowing who you are or whether we'll all get along. We just hope it all works out."
For our family, hosting has worked out wonderfully. Our older son lives with us, and though he is more than a decade older than our students, he becomes friends with them, and misses them when they leave. My younger son, married and living far away, always asks how things are going with our students. My mother buys them Christmas presents, and hugs them when she has her last visit with them before they leave.
Let me tell you - those departures are hard! We said goodbye to our third Brazilian eleven days ago, and to our Italian student eight days ago. I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't a teary week. My mother asked me how I could keep hosting when it is so hard to watch them go. I told her that I couldn't consider not doing this again when I now have additional sons on two continents!
I hope we will be able to open our home to more boys in the autumn. Our lives are happier because of the friendships we have built - and I'd love to see this hosting tradition continue. Every message I get from "my boys" fills my heart with gratitude for the opportunity I had to be a their "mom" for a short period of time, and their friend for the rest of my days; every video chat reminds me that the goodbyes are never final.
We are all part of each others' lives now, no matter how far apart we are.
Monday, 24 June 2019
Can You See Me? By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Invisible Woman
Invisible woman
seen just as "the wife";
can't anyone see that
she lives her own life?
She keeps a low profile -
at least, so it seems -
so nobody's really
aware of her dreams.
A part of the background;
appendage on arm,
and if you ignore her
you mean her no harm.
Just try to remember
her life is her own
and there's much more to her
than ever is shown.
Her life in the shadows
can often demean.
Invisible women
deserve to be seen.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, June 24, 2019
For the past six months I've been asked one question repeatedly. This question comes from people who've known me forever - and thus should know better than to ask it - and from people who met me two minutes before posing the question. This question has become almost the only question most people ask me these days, and for that reason it has grown increasingly difficult to answer it gracefully...
"How do you like being the Mayor's wife?"
It's kind of a loaded question, especially given the fact that it is inevitably asked in public, and with an upward lilt in the questioners voice that makes it clear that they expect me to respond with excitement - and unfortunately for them, enthusiasm for that particular title is really hard for me to muster.
Let me clarify, for the record, that generally speaking I like being married to my husband. That's why we were married for thirty years before he was voted Mayor of North Perth. When you ask how I enjoy being married to "the mayor", you are implying that I should somehow enjoy my marriage so much more than I used to, because now he's "important", and I, by extension as "his wife", am more important than I was too.
I don't see it that way at all. My husband is no more important to me than he was before he was elected, and I am definitely no more important than I ever was. To me he is still Todd, and if you want to know the truth, he is just a busier and more stressed out version of the man he's always been.
I'm not Hilary Clinton - I didn't hit the campaign trail tirelessly to ensure he'd win - because it didn't matter that much to me whether he did or not. His victory was due to his hard work, and I had very little to do with it.
Please don't ever refer to me as "The First Lady of North Perth". I don't like titles at all, and have never even liked being called "Mrs. Kasenberg".
I am Sharon.
Let me tell you why I feel so adamantly opposed to being identified as "the mayor's wife".
In my younger days, as a new wife and mother, I chose to stay home with my children. This decision entailed some financial sacrifice, and some sacrifice of self-hood. I became one of a legion of invisible women; a housewife. A "stay at home mom". People assumed I stayed home because I wasn't smart enough to get a job. Attending work functions with my husband was an excruciating chore. I dressed up as well as I could, stood at his side, and was introduced to people who didn't even bother to engage me in small talk once they realized I was "just a mom".
For most of my life I belonged to a very patriarchal faith. It took me many years, within that organization, to be known as more than my husband's wife, or my sons' mother. Finally, after a few decades, I became known as a woman who possessed a few skills of my own - I could speak well, I could teach classes, I was a good baker and a writer of poetry. When I left that faith, I went through a period of intense self re-discovery, and I began to really forge my own identity.
I embraced my Sharon-ness.
Just when I was starting to feel that Sharon was finally being seen as her own person, an entity seen beyond the context of wife and mother, my husband became mayor. And once again I was relegated to "wife of" status.
I am proud of my husband's accomplishments, but his position as mayor has as little to do with me as his position at any of his other jobs has.
It might seem glamorous to be the mayor, or by extension the mayor's wife, but it isn't. If I were Melania Trump, with an incredible figure, make-up artists at my disposal, and designers all vying for me to wear their labels, I might get a whole lot more excited about being able to attend a gala every now and then, but none of those things apply to me. I have body issues, and like countless other fifty-something ladies, I try on everything in my closet before I go out, in hopes that I'll hit on something that doesn't magnify every imperfection. And putting on make-up is pretty hard when you need to wear your reading glasses to see what you're doing. I just don't love feeling like I'm on display, and hobnobbing with "important" people and making small talk isn't my cuppa tea. I'm an introvert who would always prefer to stick with a small group of trusted friends.
I know there are plenty of women who think they would totally groove on a title that I don't appreciate. They think it would be fun to be recognized, but miss the fact that with recognition there comes a lack of privacy. It gets frustrating to have people stop to chat up, or worse - complain to - your husband when you're trying to buy groceries or enjoy a social evening together. They might think that as wives they will get to influence decisions, but much of what is discussed in chambers can't even be shared. What I hear most as wife are his frustrations. I hear about all the things he'd like to do, but can't. I hear about the people who complain and sometimes harass him, and sometimes I even get to answer the home phone when people decide - erroneously I might add - that their complaints with the municipality will be handled faster if they go "straight to the top". (Obviously it's much more efficient to have the mayor make three or four calls to take care of your complaint than it is for you to just call the proper department directly, right?)
Here's the truth of the matter. My husband was more fun to be married to before he became mayor. He wasn't as busy, and we had more time to relax together. He wasn't as tired and stressed. I worried about his health and state of mind less when he was "just" my husband.
I'm not going to tell you that he doesn't enjoy a lot of his duties as mayor - he does enjoy a lot of "the job", and I'm happy about that.
But for Sharon, being seen as an appendage at social events is not fun. Being alone a lot of the time is not fun. Worrying that I'll say or do the wrong thing while being recognized as "the wife of..." is stressful.
I am not a pale reflection of my spouse. I was my own person for more than twenty-five years before I became anyone's wife. I was the wife of Todd for more than three decades before he became a mayor. I don't ask to be held up as a role model, and I resent becoming invisible again.
So, when "the question" is on the tip of your tongue, fight the urge to ask it. There are so many better ways to initiate a conversation with me than by asking me how I feel to be "the wife of..."
I don't like feeling invisible. Tell me you can see me.
Invisible woman
seen just as "the wife";
can't anyone see that
she lives her own life?
She keeps a low profile -
at least, so it seems -
so nobody's really
aware of her dreams.
A part of the background;
appendage on arm,
and if you ignore her
you mean her no harm.
Just try to remember
her life is her own
and there's much more to her
than ever is shown.
Her life in the shadows
can often demean.
Invisible women
deserve to be seen.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, June 24, 2019
For the past six months I've been asked one question repeatedly. This question comes from people who've known me forever - and thus should know better than to ask it - and from people who met me two minutes before posing the question. This question has become almost the only question most people ask me these days, and for that reason it has grown increasingly difficult to answer it gracefully...
"How do you like being the Mayor's wife?"
It's kind of a loaded question, especially given the fact that it is inevitably asked in public, and with an upward lilt in the questioners voice that makes it clear that they expect me to respond with excitement - and unfortunately for them, enthusiasm for that particular title is really hard for me to muster.
Let me clarify, for the record, that generally speaking I like being married to my husband. That's why we were married for thirty years before he was voted Mayor of North Perth. When you ask how I enjoy being married to "the mayor", you are implying that I should somehow enjoy my marriage so much more than I used to, because now he's "important", and I, by extension as "his wife", am more important than I was too.
I don't see it that way at all. My husband is no more important to me than he was before he was elected, and I am definitely no more important than I ever was. To me he is still Todd, and if you want to know the truth, he is just a busier and more stressed out version of the man he's always been.
I'm not Hilary Clinton - I didn't hit the campaign trail tirelessly to ensure he'd win - because it didn't matter that much to me whether he did or not. His victory was due to his hard work, and I had very little to do with it.
Please don't ever refer to me as "The First Lady of North Perth". I don't like titles at all, and have never even liked being called "Mrs. Kasenberg".
I am Sharon.
Let me tell you why I feel so adamantly opposed to being identified as "the mayor's wife".
In my younger days, as a new wife and mother, I chose to stay home with my children. This decision entailed some financial sacrifice, and some sacrifice of self-hood. I became one of a legion of invisible women; a housewife. A "stay at home mom". People assumed I stayed home because I wasn't smart enough to get a job. Attending work functions with my husband was an excruciating chore. I dressed up as well as I could, stood at his side, and was introduced to people who didn't even bother to engage me in small talk once they realized I was "just a mom".
For most of my life I belonged to a very patriarchal faith. It took me many years, within that organization, to be known as more than my husband's wife, or my sons' mother. Finally, after a few decades, I became known as a woman who possessed a few skills of my own - I could speak well, I could teach classes, I was a good baker and a writer of poetry. When I left that faith, I went through a period of intense self re-discovery, and I began to really forge my own identity.
I embraced my Sharon-ness.
Just when I was starting to feel that Sharon was finally being seen as her own person, an entity seen beyond the context of wife and mother, my husband became mayor. And once again I was relegated to "wife of" status.
I am proud of my husband's accomplishments, but his position as mayor has as little to do with me as his position at any of his other jobs has.
It might seem glamorous to be the mayor, or by extension the mayor's wife, but it isn't. If I were Melania Trump, with an incredible figure, make-up artists at my disposal, and designers all vying for me to wear their labels, I might get a whole lot more excited about being able to attend a gala every now and then, but none of those things apply to me. I have body issues, and like countless other fifty-something ladies, I try on everything in my closet before I go out, in hopes that I'll hit on something that doesn't magnify every imperfection. And putting on make-up is pretty hard when you need to wear your reading glasses to see what you're doing. I just don't love feeling like I'm on display, and hobnobbing with "important" people and making small talk isn't my cuppa tea. I'm an introvert who would always prefer to stick with a small group of trusted friends.
I know there are plenty of women who think they would totally groove on a title that I don't appreciate. They think it would be fun to be recognized, but miss the fact that with recognition there comes a lack of privacy. It gets frustrating to have people stop to chat up, or worse - complain to - your husband when you're trying to buy groceries or enjoy a social evening together. They might think that as wives they will get to influence decisions, but much of what is discussed in chambers can't even be shared. What I hear most as wife are his frustrations. I hear about all the things he'd like to do, but can't. I hear about the people who complain and sometimes harass him, and sometimes I even get to answer the home phone when people decide - erroneously I might add - that their complaints with the municipality will be handled faster if they go "straight to the top". (Obviously it's much more efficient to have the mayor make three or four calls to take care of your complaint than it is for you to just call the proper department directly, right?)
Here's the truth of the matter. My husband was more fun to be married to before he became mayor. He wasn't as busy, and we had more time to relax together. He wasn't as tired and stressed. I worried about his health and state of mind less when he was "just" my husband.
I'm not going to tell you that he doesn't enjoy a lot of his duties as mayor - he does enjoy a lot of "the job", and I'm happy about that.
But for Sharon, being seen as an appendage at social events is not fun. Being alone a lot of the time is not fun. Worrying that I'll say or do the wrong thing while being recognized as "the wife of..." is stressful.
I am not a pale reflection of my spouse. I was my own person for more than twenty-five years before I became anyone's wife. I was the wife of Todd for more than three decades before he became a mayor. I don't ask to be held up as a role model, and I resent becoming invisible again.
So, when "the question" is on the tip of your tongue, fight the urge to ask it. There are so many better ways to initiate a conversation with me than by asking me how I feel to be "the wife of..."
I don't like feeling invisible. Tell me you can see me.
Wednesday, 29 May 2019
String Snipping - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Parallel Dilemmas
I'm afraid to be old
there is so much life gone,
and a lot I was told
made me feel like a pawn.
Tell me, what can I do
to recoup wasted days?
Up ahead there seem few,
can I still change my ways?
While I mourn all I've lost
through the wisdom I've found
I will question the cost
of soul coming unbound.
You're afraid to be young -
there is so much ahead -
perhaps coming unstrung,
but consumed by the dread
that through days that await
your life may not improve
because no twist of fate
can all problems remove.
Will you end up alone?
Will you find all you want?
If a clear path is shown
will it beckon or taunt?
There are fears to be found
every phase of each life;
we will always seem wound
in a huge ball of strife.
each, encumbered by doubt,
has decisions to make
and will stall and reroute,
finding new roads to take.
I will fall, you will fail;
we'll both stumble and slip -
maybe hope can prevail
if some strings we each snip.
Tell me I'm not too old
and a string will be cut -
I'll remind you you're bold,
snip another string - but...
I can't promise you ease,
you can't gift me with days;
every answer you seize
will not mirror my ways.
You can say I am strong
and have wisdom to spare,
but your days are still long...
How I wish you could share!
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, May 12, 2019
Ageism exists. It seems that no matter what stage of life we are at, we want what what we perceive as the "perks" that the generations ahead, or behind us, seem to have. Children want to be teenagers who, from their perspective, seem to be largely free of parental control. Teenagers want to be autonomous adults, truly free to make their own decisions. Adults, burdened by bill paying and parenting, long to go back to what they now perceive as their "carefree" youth. Middle-aged people look forward to retiring; the end of long days at work and more time for friends and family. Senior citizens, frustrated with the frailties of age, would do just about anything to go back in time to their "prime of life" - the stage where they were happiest and healthiest.
My experiences, as a mother, and as a host mom to international high school students - and friend to those who have returned home - have taught me that no matter where we are in life, we face common dilemmas. We all have the same basic needs, the same desires, and we all battle insecurities.
So many of the problems faced by humans transcend generational boundaries. My eighty seven year old mother craves friendship as much as my seventeen year old students do. Old, young, or in-between, we all want acceptance from others. We all want to feel confidence in our ability to make good decisions. We all want to feel good about ourselves; to know that we each shine in our own way. We all want to feel satisfaction; to know we are living meaningful lives and making a positive difference in the lives of those we care about.
It's easy to forget how many common struggles are shared across generations when our lives appear so different. One reason we may lack empathy for the problems faced by both older and younger generations is our lack of interaction with them. We tend to choose friends in the same age range as us, people who are going through similar experiences in the same time period. We forget that our experiences all invoke emotional responses, and that those emotions we feel in our particular situation are mirrored by those who are generations removed from us.
To exemplify this point, let's look at some parallel dilemmas that evolve from the decisions we need to make at various stages of life:
Teenagers are at a stage of life where important decisions need to be made. What comes next after they graduate high school? Will they go on to college or university? If so, where? What will they study? If not, where will they get a job? Will they continue to live at home, or find their own apartment?
To a teenager, every one of these decisions is huge. Each decision is filled with uncertainty and fear.
Compare those decisions to the ones made by someone facing retirement. What comes next when they no longer go to work each morning? Will a change in income level require a change of address? What will the retiree do with his/her days without a job to go to?
These are huge decisions too, and often accompanied by fears and uncertainties that could be remarkably similar to those felt by a teenager about to graduate high school. Unlike teenagers, most retirees have had a lot of experience with major life changes; they have moved into different homes and changed jobs. They have experienced life and loss more fully - but they will probably still feel uncertainty and fear. Change is never easy - no matter what stage of life you are in.
I've learned that my life perspective improves when I make friends across generations. I learn as much from seventeen year old friends as I do from those who are in their seventies. I am enriched by being mentored, and being mentor. I covet the wisdom shared by those who have amassed more than I have because they have experienced more life than me. And I envy all the days that lie ahead for those who are younger, as I try to dole out maternal wisdom to sons, and play Yoda to the teenagers who I have opportunities to influence. Through it all, I continue to learn and grow, and in doing so feel amazed by how much we all have in common - regardless of chronological age.
We all yearn to be accepted and valued by those around us - we all want love and companionship.
We all struggle with decisions that we need to make, and we battle self-doubt and fear at every stage of life.
We all want to feel satisfaction and happiness.
We all want to free ourselves from our daily concerns; from the discouraging feelings that we might not be doing everything right, or making all of the right choices.
I think we'd all be happier if we spent more time dwelling on these commonalities, and snipping away - together - at that great ball of strife that keeps us all - young, old and in-between - from making the world a better place.
I'm afraid to be old
there is so much life gone,
and a lot I was told
made me feel like a pawn.
Tell me, what can I do
to recoup wasted days?
Up ahead there seem few,
can I still change my ways?
While I mourn all I've lost
through the wisdom I've found
I will question the cost
of soul coming unbound.
You're afraid to be young -
there is so much ahead -
perhaps coming unstrung,
but consumed by the dread
that through days that await
your life may not improve
because no twist of fate
can all problems remove.
Will you end up alone?
Will you find all you want?
If a clear path is shown
will it beckon or taunt?
There are fears to be found
every phase of each life;
we will always seem wound
in a huge ball of strife.
each, encumbered by doubt,
has decisions to make
and will stall and reroute,
finding new roads to take.
I will fall, you will fail;
we'll both stumble and slip -
maybe hope can prevail
if some strings we each snip.
Tell me I'm not too old
and a string will be cut -
I'll remind you you're bold,
snip another string - but...
I can't promise you ease,
you can't gift me with days;
every answer you seize
will not mirror my ways.
You can say I am strong
and have wisdom to spare,
but your days are still long...
How I wish you could share!
Sharon Flood Kasenberg, May 12, 2019
Ageism exists. It seems that no matter what stage of life we are at, we want what what we perceive as the "perks" that the generations ahead, or behind us, seem to have. Children want to be teenagers who, from their perspective, seem to be largely free of parental control. Teenagers want to be autonomous adults, truly free to make their own decisions. Adults, burdened by bill paying and parenting, long to go back to what they now perceive as their "carefree" youth. Middle-aged people look forward to retiring; the end of long days at work and more time for friends and family. Senior citizens, frustrated with the frailties of age, would do just about anything to go back in time to their "prime of life" - the stage where they were happiest and healthiest.
My experiences, as a mother, and as a host mom to international high school students - and friend to those who have returned home - have taught me that no matter where we are in life, we face common dilemmas. We all have the same basic needs, the same desires, and we all battle insecurities.
So many of the problems faced by humans transcend generational boundaries. My eighty seven year old mother craves friendship as much as my seventeen year old students do. Old, young, or in-between, we all want acceptance from others. We all want to feel confidence in our ability to make good decisions. We all want to feel good about ourselves; to know that we each shine in our own way. We all want to feel satisfaction; to know we are living meaningful lives and making a positive difference in the lives of those we care about.
It's easy to forget how many common struggles are shared across generations when our lives appear so different. One reason we may lack empathy for the problems faced by both older and younger generations is our lack of interaction with them. We tend to choose friends in the same age range as us, people who are going through similar experiences in the same time period. We forget that our experiences all invoke emotional responses, and that those emotions we feel in our particular situation are mirrored by those who are generations removed from us.
To exemplify this point, let's look at some parallel dilemmas that evolve from the decisions we need to make at various stages of life:
Teenagers are at a stage of life where important decisions need to be made. What comes next after they graduate high school? Will they go on to college or university? If so, where? What will they study? If not, where will they get a job? Will they continue to live at home, or find their own apartment?
To a teenager, every one of these decisions is huge. Each decision is filled with uncertainty and fear.
Compare those decisions to the ones made by someone facing retirement. What comes next when they no longer go to work each morning? Will a change in income level require a change of address? What will the retiree do with his/her days without a job to go to?
These are huge decisions too, and often accompanied by fears and uncertainties that could be remarkably similar to those felt by a teenager about to graduate high school. Unlike teenagers, most retirees have had a lot of experience with major life changes; they have moved into different homes and changed jobs. They have experienced life and loss more fully - but they will probably still feel uncertainty and fear. Change is never easy - no matter what stage of life you are in.
I've learned that my life perspective improves when I make friends across generations. I learn as much from seventeen year old friends as I do from those who are in their seventies. I am enriched by being mentored, and being mentor. I covet the wisdom shared by those who have amassed more than I have because they have experienced more life than me. And I envy all the days that lie ahead for those who are younger, as I try to dole out maternal wisdom to sons, and play Yoda to the teenagers who I have opportunities to influence. Through it all, I continue to learn and grow, and in doing so feel amazed by how much we all have in common - regardless of chronological age.
We all yearn to be accepted and valued by those around us - we all want love and companionship.
We all struggle with decisions that we need to make, and we battle self-doubt and fear at every stage of life.
We all want to feel satisfaction and happiness.
We all want to free ourselves from our daily concerns; from the discouraging feelings that we might not be doing everything right, or making all of the right choices.
I think we'd all be happier if we spent more time dwelling on these commonalities, and snipping away - together - at that great ball of strife that keeps us all - young, old and in-between - from making the world a better place.
Thursday, 16 May 2019
Memory: An Amalgamation of Little Things - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
Humans have a deep need to feel that they are connected with those they love most, and to try to make sense of how we form the bonds that unite us.
Sometimes when complimented, I want to understand why the other person would say something so nice to me. Usually I restrain myself from asking why I deserve praise (mostly because I don't want to be seen as emotionally needy, or as someone who is "fishing" for more praise), but occasionally I do give in to curiosity, if the giver is someone I feel close to. When I do this, I am often rewarded with greater insights about both myself and the other party. I catch a rare, soul satisfying glance at myself, through the eyes of another, and even if I can't entirely agree with their kind assessment of me, I feel encouraged by the fact that they saw me through charitable eyes. This boosts my morale, and makes me want to live up to the compliment that was offered.
This year I made an unusual request of my sons for Mother's Day. It was a difficult thing for me to ask for - I didn't want to seem insecure - but I mustered up the courage to ask each of them to simply send on a favorite memory of me, via Facebook messenger or email. It didn't need to be a full fledged, "Why I Love My Mom" essay, just a simple memory - a paragraph - describing a time we shared that really mattered to them.
Part of me worried that they would each find this hard to deliver; perhaps even hard enough to keep them from following through. (Yes, I did have to nag at one son, who would have rather just handed me a card and given me a pat on the back.) As a mother of sons, I know it can be hard it can be for the males of our species to express feelings, but as a woman, I know just how important it is to sometimes have sentiments expressed verbally.
What I really wanted this year was the gift of understanding how things I have done, or said, in the past, have made me an important fixture in my sons' lives. I wanted a written message I could look back on when I felt blue; an affirmation that I did a few things right as their mom. I also wanted to prove to myself that it isn't selfish or wrong to be assertive, and to ask for what you really want sometimes, which in this case was the gift of their words, expressing thoughts about me.
It didn't really come as a surprise to me that neither son could come up with one single, definitive moment or occasion that stood out in memory as "the best of my mother". As one son pointed out, being a good parent isn't about creating momentous occasions together, but about showing consistent love and support for your child continually, and giving them a string of small moments - maybe even playful and nonsensical moments - that bond in ways that might seem insignificant at the time, but create an impact on a lifetime once time has been taken to reflect on them. He cited an example of a silly thing we used to do - one that he says helped him understand what things he was passionate about. What was amazing to me, as a parent who knows what he truly loves to do, was making a simple connection that I hadn't made before. I finally saw that something I had done with him routinely had helped him discover what really feeds his soul.
The message from my other son was similar, and just as gratifying. He described his happiest memories of time together as an "amalgamation of blurred memories". Again, there was no momentous event that stood out for him. He simply expressed appreciation for the habit we formed of walking together. He talked about how much he especially remembers walks we took in places we both love; walks where we enjoyed the scenery Mother Nature provided for free. Once again I was deeply touched that a little, commonplace activity, that we still share, has become a series of happy memories for him.
My reflections on the messages both sons shared with me inspired the following poem:
Amalgamation
"The memories are blurred -
there isn't just one."
(The same explanation
from both my grown sons.)
No singular moment
stood out in spotlight -
just many small moments
we somehow did right.
Our long conversations
were pure goofiness;
to nonsense aplenty
I'm forced to confess!
The miles walked together
through forest and sand;
we'd find rock or feather
to carry in hand.
We took them for granted -
all those little things -
but memories planted
still pull at heartstrings.
by Sharon Flood Kasenberg, May 14, 2016
As parents, children, siblings, and friends, we may all fall into a mindset that tells us we need to be constantly "upping the game" as far as creating memories with loved ones is concerned. We snap more pictures to remind everyone concerned, and all of our "followers" on social media, that we are doing amazing, fun, important things. We become so busy memorializing our days that we forget to live in the moment and really enjoy them.
There are few, if any, photos in existence to prove that the best memories I made with my sons really happened. I didn't write about the walks and talks we had in my journal. Instead, we are all left with memory amalgamations of blurred images. We only remember how doing the things we enjoyed together made us feel happy, energized; satisfied in our souls. Would I trade those snippets of many moments for one big, momentous memory? Never!
Age is granting me just enough wisdom to understand that the "little things" add up. A memorable lifetime is perhaps nothing more than a huge ball of incomparably glorious minutia, and love perhaps nothing more than an amalgamation of small things.
Sometimes when complimented, I want to understand why the other person would say something so nice to me. Usually I restrain myself from asking why I deserve praise (mostly because I don't want to be seen as emotionally needy, or as someone who is "fishing" for more praise), but occasionally I do give in to curiosity, if the giver is someone I feel close to. When I do this, I am often rewarded with greater insights about both myself and the other party. I catch a rare, soul satisfying glance at myself, through the eyes of another, and even if I can't entirely agree with their kind assessment of me, I feel encouraged by the fact that they saw me through charitable eyes. This boosts my morale, and makes me want to live up to the compliment that was offered.
This year I made an unusual request of my sons for Mother's Day. It was a difficult thing for me to ask for - I didn't want to seem insecure - but I mustered up the courage to ask each of them to simply send on a favorite memory of me, via Facebook messenger or email. It didn't need to be a full fledged, "Why I Love My Mom" essay, just a simple memory - a paragraph - describing a time we shared that really mattered to them.
Part of me worried that they would each find this hard to deliver; perhaps even hard enough to keep them from following through. (Yes, I did have to nag at one son, who would have rather just handed me a card and given me a pat on the back.) As a mother of sons, I know it can be hard it can be for the males of our species to express feelings, but as a woman, I know just how important it is to sometimes have sentiments expressed verbally.
What I really wanted this year was the gift of understanding how things I have done, or said, in the past, have made me an important fixture in my sons' lives. I wanted a written message I could look back on when I felt blue; an affirmation that I did a few things right as their mom. I also wanted to prove to myself that it isn't selfish or wrong to be assertive, and to ask for what you really want sometimes, which in this case was the gift of their words, expressing thoughts about me.
It didn't really come as a surprise to me that neither son could come up with one single, definitive moment or occasion that stood out in memory as "the best of my mother". As one son pointed out, being a good parent isn't about creating momentous occasions together, but about showing consistent love and support for your child continually, and giving them a string of small moments - maybe even playful and nonsensical moments - that bond in ways that might seem insignificant at the time, but create an impact on a lifetime once time has been taken to reflect on them. He cited an example of a silly thing we used to do - one that he says helped him understand what things he was passionate about. What was amazing to me, as a parent who knows what he truly loves to do, was making a simple connection that I hadn't made before. I finally saw that something I had done with him routinely had helped him discover what really feeds his soul.
The message from my other son was similar, and just as gratifying. He described his happiest memories of time together as an "amalgamation of blurred memories". Again, there was no momentous event that stood out for him. He simply expressed appreciation for the habit we formed of walking together. He talked about how much he especially remembers walks we took in places we both love; walks where we enjoyed the scenery Mother Nature provided for free. Once again I was deeply touched that a little, commonplace activity, that we still share, has become a series of happy memories for him.
My reflections on the messages both sons shared with me inspired the following poem:
Amalgamation
"The memories are blurred -
there isn't just one."
(The same explanation
from both my grown sons.)
No singular moment
stood out in spotlight -
just many small moments
we somehow did right.
Our long conversations
were pure goofiness;
to nonsense aplenty
I'm forced to confess!
The miles walked together
through forest and sand;
we'd find rock or feather
to carry in hand.
We took them for granted -
all those little things -
but memories planted
still pull at heartstrings.
by Sharon Flood Kasenberg, May 14, 2016
As parents, children, siblings, and friends, we may all fall into a mindset that tells us we need to be constantly "upping the game" as far as creating memories with loved ones is concerned. We snap more pictures to remind everyone concerned, and all of our "followers" on social media, that we are doing amazing, fun, important things. We become so busy memorializing our days that we forget to live in the moment and really enjoy them.
There are few, if any, photos in existence to prove that the best memories I made with my sons really happened. I didn't write about the walks and talks we had in my journal. Instead, we are all left with memory amalgamations of blurred images. We only remember how doing the things we enjoyed together made us feel happy, energized; satisfied in our souls. Would I trade those snippets of many moments for one big, momentous memory? Never!
Age is granting me just enough wisdom to understand that the "little things" add up. A memorable lifetime is perhaps nothing more than a huge ball of incomparably glorious minutia, and love perhaps nothing more than an amalgamation of small things.
Sunday, 14 April 2019
Patience, Please! - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg
A Little Patience
A little patience
gets me through the days
when all around me
seems a grayish haze.
A little patience
helps me disengage
when my frustrations
stir up latent rage.
That dab of patience
helps me resurrect
and savour goodness
that I recollect.
A little patience
when it's hard to cope
can keep me seeking
'oft elusive hope.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, March 18, 2019
In an age of instant gratification, patience is often undervalued.
Think about the things that make you lose patience on any given day - drivers going too fast, or moving too slowly, long waits in the check out line, husbands/children and friends who aren't quick enough to do our bidding, and a mountain of problems that needed to be solved yesterday.
Patience is a concept I've struggled with my entire life - this notion that we might need to wait, gracefully even, for problems to sort themselves out, for answers to our burning questions, for understanding of ourselves and the people around us, for bodies, minds and spirits to be healed... for life to become more fulfilling.
In a world that is rife with tribalism, racism, violence, depression, aggression, and general frustration, we need patience more than ever - and it seems to be becoming increasingly elusive if and/or when we bother to look for it. It seems safe to say that many no longer understand why patience is important; that for many, the idea that some things are worth the wait seems outdated. Why should any of us have to patiently figure out what the best solution to our most recent crisis might be when we can just act impulsively? Society reinforces that we should all be people of action - just willing to do something - is it really important that we take time to mull things over, consider our best course of action, and work out the whys, whens, and hows before we dive in? I often have to remind myself that achieving balance between excessive thinking, and impulsive action, is an exercise in patience. I need to bite my tongue and try not to respond in anger when I feel provoked, I need to stop and consider how my next tirade might affect the other party before I find myself speaking in haste, and then feeling guilty, and needing to make apologies.
Without a doubt the world needs more love and tolerance, but I'm coming to the conclusion that what it needs first is patience. We can wake up determined to do better and be kinder every day, but if patience eludes us, there isn't much chance that will happen. We will have a hard time filtering out the intolerance and thoughtlessness around us if we have no patience, and this can affect our physical and emotional health over time.
I've become convinced that patience is a prerequisite to resilience, hope and happiness. Experience has taught me that when my patience runs thin, those other things seem to be out of reach. Without patience I can't "bounce back" from disappointments in my life; I have trouble maintaining my equilibrium when faced with any minor setback. When patience wanes, so does hope - everything seems impossible when I can't tame my desire for instant solutions and immediate gratification. And, without a doubt, my unhappiest times always correspond to those when I simply couldn't muster any patience for anything, or anybody.
Patience is what the world really needs. A lot of days we'll face struggles that will seem almost insurmountable, but if we can believe there are better days to come, we can muddle through. However, when we're anxious, lonely or depressed, a whole day that's wonderful can be an unrealistic expectation. We might need to set our sights lower, and patiently wait for good moments and good hours before entire days can be enjoyed. When we're patient, those happy moments give us hope, and if we're waiting patiently, expecting to be pleasantly surprised by an unexpected bright spot in our day, we're less apt to miss it if it happens. Then, when we're surprised by those happy moments, we relish them, we feel gratitude for them, and we see that our patience, in and of itself, rewarded us with something good and hopeful.
There will always be difficult days, and tears enough to fill them, but patience teaches us when to reign in our emotions for the sake of others, and when we can safely be vulnerable around others. When we patiently learn to gauge the reactions of those around us, we learn who we can safely be ourselves with - who has the ability to see us at our worst and still find things to love, and who will be patient enough with us to stick around when our own patience is in short supply.
I've often thought that youth is wasted on the young - they have great reserves of physical stamina, but their patience has yet to be sufficiently tried; they lack emotional strength. When I was young everything felt like a calamity. It was hard to patiently build reserves of hope for better days when I felt completely miserable now - I hadn't yet learned that my better days would start with better moments and hours. I had trouble waiting patiently for better things to happen - in part because my worst experiences were all ahead of me. I didn't know, at that point in my life, that I could not only survive, but also thrive, despite plenty of disappointment, and some heartbreak and tragedy.
We grow older and experience all of those things. We grow wiser too - but some days wisdom is unreliable. It too, is affected by the constant ebb and flow of patience in our lives. We give in to anger, to hopelessness, to frustration - all because we're stymied by the one thing we need most - a little patience.
A little patience
gets me through the days
when all around me
seems a grayish haze.
A little patience
helps me disengage
when my frustrations
stir up latent rage.
That dab of patience
helps me resurrect
and savour goodness
that I recollect.
A little patience
when it's hard to cope
can keep me seeking
'oft elusive hope.
By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, March 18, 2019
In an age of instant gratification, patience is often undervalued.
Think about the things that make you lose patience on any given day - drivers going too fast, or moving too slowly, long waits in the check out line, husbands/children and friends who aren't quick enough to do our bidding, and a mountain of problems that needed to be solved yesterday.
Patience is a concept I've struggled with my entire life - this notion that we might need to wait, gracefully even, for problems to sort themselves out, for answers to our burning questions, for understanding of ourselves and the people around us, for bodies, minds and spirits to be healed... for life to become more fulfilling.
In a world that is rife with tribalism, racism, violence, depression, aggression, and general frustration, we need patience more than ever - and it seems to be becoming increasingly elusive if and/or when we bother to look for it. It seems safe to say that many no longer understand why patience is important; that for many, the idea that some things are worth the wait seems outdated. Why should any of us have to patiently figure out what the best solution to our most recent crisis might be when we can just act impulsively? Society reinforces that we should all be people of action - just willing to do something - is it really important that we take time to mull things over, consider our best course of action, and work out the whys, whens, and hows before we dive in? I often have to remind myself that achieving balance between excessive thinking, and impulsive action, is an exercise in patience. I need to bite my tongue and try not to respond in anger when I feel provoked, I need to stop and consider how my next tirade might affect the other party before I find myself speaking in haste, and then feeling guilty, and needing to make apologies.
Without a doubt the world needs more love and tolerance, but I'm coming to the conclusion that what it needs first is patience. We can wake up determined to do better and be kinder every day, but if patience eludes us, there isn't much chance that will happen. We will have a hard time filtering out the intolerance and thoughtlessness around us if we have no patience, and this can affect our physical and emotional health over time.
I've become convinced that patience is a prerequisite to resilience, hope and happiness. Experience has taught me that when my patience runs thin, those other things seem to be out of reach. Without patience I can't "bounce back" from disappointments in my life; I have trouble maintaining my equilibrium when faced with any minor setback. When patience wanes, so does hope - everything seems impossible when I can't tame my desire for instant solutions and immediate gratification. And, without a doubt, my unhappiest times always correspond to those when I simply couldn't muster any patience for anything, or anybody.
Patience is what the world really needs. A lot of days we'll face struggles that will seem almost insurmountable, but if we can believe there are better days to come, we can muddle through. However, when we're anxious, lonely or depressed, a whole day that's wonderful can be an unrealistic expectation. We might need to set our sights lower, and patiently wait for good moments and good hours before entire days can be enjoyed. When we're patient, those happy moments give us hope, and if we're waiting patiently, expecting to be pleasantly surprised by an unexpected bright spot in our day, we're less apt to miss it if it happens. Then, when we're surprised by those happy moments, we relish them, we feel gratitude for them, and we see that our patience, in and of itself, rewarded us with something good and hopeful.
There will always be difficult days, and tears enough to fill them, but patience teaches us when to reign in our emotions for the sake of others, and when we can safely be vulnerable around others. When we patiently learn to gauge the reactions of those around us, we learn who we can safely be ourselves with - who has the ability to see us at our worst and still find things to love, and who will be patient enough with us to stick around when our own patience is in short supply.
I've often thought that youth is wasted on the young - they have great reserves of physical stamina, but their patience has yet to be sufficiently tried; they lack emotional strength. When I was young everything felt like a calamity. It was hard to patiently build reserves of hope for better days when I felt completely miserable now - I hadn't yet learned that my better days would start with better moments and hours. I had trouble waiting patiently for better things to happen - in part because my worst experiences were all ahead of me. I didn't know, at that point in my life, that I could not only survive, but also thrive, despite plenty of disappointment, and some heartbreak and tragedy.
We grow older and experience all of those things. We grow wiser too - but some days wisdom is unreliable. It too, is affected by the constant ebb and flow of patience in our lives. We give in to anger, to hopelessness, to frustration - all because we're stymied by the one thing we need most - a little patience.
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