"How to Win Friends..."
I'm sure I must've irked or bossed
the thrower 'ere the book was tossed -
a famous tome by Carnegie
a boy named "Hurley" hurled at me.
Although the thrower was irate,
as I recall his aim was great.
It hit me squarely on the head
and Mr. Hurley laughed and fled.
He'd left no scar that I could show,
but bruised my twelve year old ego,
and glancing at the book he'd tossed,
my sense of humour wasn't lost.
"How to Win Friends and Influence -"
obtained an adverse consequence.
I still laugh at the irony
of how that book was thrown at me,
and when I muse on that attack
I'm glad it was the paperback!
-Sharon Flood Kasenberg (Feb. 27, 2007)
What I've Learned about Friendship Since THAT Book Hit Me In the Head:
Without a doubt that cosh on the head reminded me that I could be difficult at times - still am. I'm opinionated and temperamental. I'm a bit of an introvert and far too analytical, which might be why I find it slightly disheartening that in spite of all the upbeat and encouraging posts I've shared over these last few years, the one that's received the most views is titled "Confession: I Don't Like Everyone!"
That worries me (a bit) because I actually do like most people and don't want to be viewed as a negative or antisocial individual. Generally speaking I feel goodwill toward all, and I know I've been blessed with some amazing friends who are able to look past my red-headed disposition and my social quirks to find "a keeper". I'm loyal, affectionate and (doggone it!) I'm mostly fun to be around.
I was twelve when that famous tome was lobbed at my head. We were cleaning off bookshelves in my grade six classroom, five of us, when I said something that irritated one of my peers. So he threw the book in his hand at me. I laughed uproariously when I saw the title on his chosen missile, but even then I had a niggling feeling that something was amiss - "How to Win Friends and Influence People" just didn't sound quite right to me.
Even then I felt that true friends are not won but earned. Years after it bounced off my noggin I read the book with my sons. Carnegie was, without a doubt, a man who understood how to get along with people. It's a great book for people looking to build a customer base, but not (in my opinion) the ultimate guide to making friends. Therefore I was selective in heeding Carnegie's wisdom, choosing to disregard a few things that struck me as being slightly smarmy used car salesmen type "techniques". Nobody appreciates being condescended to, and most people possess enough firing neurons to know when you're putting on an act to"win them over."
Experience has taught me that the way to make friends is to be the best version of you - shine your own light. Don't ever pretend to be something you're not. Once when I was young and frustrated by the fact that a much bubblier girl in my social circle seemed to capture a lot more attention, I decided to try to be like her. Another friend caught on quickly to what I was attempting and nipped it in the bud by asking why I would pretend to be an airhead. ("It doesn't look good on you at all!", he told me in his forthright way.) It was yet another book to the head moment, reminding me of the importance of "keeping it real."
I've learned to keep my expectations real too. Making friends with the coolest kid in school or the best looking/most popular person in the office building might not happen, but when you're in the habit of being polite and kind you'll attract the attention of those who appreciate what you have to offer. Not everyone you meet will groove on you the second they meet you, and that's fine. Many of the people I feel closest to didn't impress me much at a glance. I'm grateful that wasn't all I gave them. As I got to know those who initially seemed intimidating, or felt I had nothing in common with, I was often delighted by the fact that I had completely misread them. Sometimes it's wonderful to be wrong!
I hesitate to say it, but I've learned there's a possibility that those who you'd like to befriend will never groove on you. That's okay too! Give yourself permission to be rejected from time to time. There are people you love better from a distance, so it stands to reason that there are those who will love you best from afar. This shouldn't be a newsflash. If you haven't yet learned to appreciate everyone you meet, you can't complain too much about the fact that you won't be everyone's cup of tea.
I've learned that we find, and are found by, the people we need in our lives. Friendships come in all varieties - from casual friends we "just hang with" to the "soul mates" we encounter who we recognize in a flash as being kindred spirits - people we can share almost anything with. Most of us are lucky enough to form a few truly great friendships over the course of a lifetime. You may see these people infrequently, but conversation always flows. You just "get" each other.
Yes, I've learned a few things about friendship over the years, but I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you how much I still need to work on.
Life can sometimes get in the way of making and maintaining contact with friends. We get busy with kids and jobs. We move around. (I've changed cities seven times since I left my hometown.) We change, and changing lives reflect changes in friendships. There have been times when I got lazy about keeping in touch with people and letting them know I care, and times when I felt a bit neglected too.
I've learned how easy it can be to throw a pity party and wait around for other people to make a big fuss over me. There's a lot of fear associated with reaching out first, which doesn't make a lot of sense because it seems to me that none of us are ever alone in feeling lonely. Anyone feeling a lack of sociability in life is probably not being very sociable. I'm learning that I need to do my share of the reaching.
I've learned that people have differing ideas about what friendship connections do and don't look like in this technology driven world. I'm pretty certain that all of my Facebook friends aren't people who actually love me (some don't even really know me). Nevertheless I've seen people get really upset about being "un-friended" by people who play very small parts in their lives. I worry that a lot of people give online interactions inflated importance, and care more about creating a virtual persona than spending quality time engaging with friends in real life. It's easier than having to schedule time to get together, and nobody has to bother getting dressed, cleaning the house or combing their hair.
I try to use technology to stay close to friends who live far away, or to reconnect with old friends. When I do reach out to someone I've reconnected with online I'm often confused. How much contact is enough? Will a long, newsy message in their inbox scare them off? Is a phone call too invasive? Does this person care a fig about ever actually seeing me? Do people really want to visit anymore, or is hospitality a dying art? I know I certainly don't entertain as often as my parents did.
I had an experience recently that made me see just how rusty my hostessing skills have become.
A friend I hadn't seen in a dozen years came to visit, and I was thrilled! I baked cookies just before she came, brought she and her husband each a plate and they each ate a cookie. I meant to put the rest of the cookies out within reach, but got so caught up in the conversation that I forgot to. (I was actually kind of freaked out by the fact that after all of these years she was sitting in my house - sad but true.) I didn't even think to offer them a glass of water until they were about to leave - and then primarily because with all the yakking I'd done I was a bit thirsty. (Did I mention that I'm a bit spaced out occasionally...and that it can take me a while to "process" what happens around me?)
I shamefully recounted this tale to my mother and she tsk-tsked loudly. She had certainly set a better example for me than that! I apologized to my friend profusely via email - I'd realized after the fact (I explained to her) that I'd missed a zillion social cues...
"Social cues - LOL?" she responded in her emailed reply. "Whatever do you mean, Sheldon?"
I laughed my head off, just like I did all those years ago when the book beaned me. She knew exactly how to make me see the point in a humorous way - no judgement or criticism, but she wasn't entirely letting me off the hook either. We still got each other.
And I was reminded of one more thing I've learned. Sometimes I still need a good thump on the head!
Friday, 24 January 2014
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Progress: A Sharp Right Turn Before Stalledandstuck (By Sharon Flood Kasenberg)
"Stalledandstuck" (By Sharon Flood Kasenberg - April 5, 2010)
I am the Queen of Stalledandstuck -
mired to my armpits in the muck.
My throne, unnoticed most the time,
is buried deeply in the slime
and if I ever wore a crown
it's long since gone, it's settled down
into this murky great abyss -
a kingdom built on quicksand, this.
I tell myself I would break free
if there was somewhere else to be -
there are worse places to be in,
and mud feels good upon my skin.
Each day I spend in spa like state;
there's not much here to aggravate.
Nobody crowds me in my muck,
although a few point out I'm stuck.
(I always have a good excuse
for why my limbs are still not loose.)
Oft times I can sense some disdain -
some question why I here remain
and even try to pull me out,
but I am mired by fear and doubt.
It's so much easier to choose
to stay within familiar ooze.
(And if I left, what would I wear?
My mud-gown's not in style out there!)
What would I do upon dry land?
Nobody seems to understand!
Here people notice what I say;
I issue edicts every day.
I'm really quite important here,
but elsewhere I might disappear.
About two weeks into any given new year I often begin to hear the constant thud of discarded resolutions hitting the ground around me. Why is it so easy to be inspired on New Year's Eve, and so common to be more than half way down the well beaten track to the town of "Stalledandstuck" before two weeks are past?
Ahhh - perhaps it's the attraction of Stalledandstuck itself!
It's such a cozy and comfortable little place to make a pit stop on the road to Discouragement, or for the really ambitiously self-defeating, The Highway to Hell, which as most of you know is paved with the good intentions that people drop en route and stomp down into a hard packed surface as they march onward toward their own personal purgatory.
This is a town that embodies the ultimate comfort zone. Here you will never have to face your vulnerabilities because rejection isn't even possible! Everything here is ordered and precise - no scary surprises and no messy challenges interrupt your days of relaxation and leisure. Oh sure, you have a few tasks to perform, but you've been doing these same things for so long that they're no trouble at all. You carry out these necessary chores in your sleep and with robotic efficiency, then accept the applause graciously, pat yourself on the back and sink into yet another blissful mud-bath.
The best hotel in the realm is run by a persuasive innkeeper named Fear. He's quick to assure you that your stay should be a long one. After all, anyplace else you could ever go would ultimately prove to be filled with risk - scary thought! But here you will be carefully tended and soooo safe! Aren't you lucky to always have one of his best rooms waiting for you?
His next door neighbour is always ready to greet you with a big fat slice of pie. Her name is Comparison, but you can call her Miss C. Stick with her, and she'll comfort you with the notion that it is much better to never try. You'll never be the best, and good is never good enough. There's really no reason to put yourself through the ordeal of trying to accomplish anything. Accomplishment is hard work, and satisfaction is highly over-rated. (Besides, contentment is for cows, and the only goal worth setting is the goal to be The Best.)
"And you're just not a contender", she assures you, "So enjoy your time with Mr. Fear, and your meals are all on me!"
Miss C feeds everyone really well, focusing on making sure each hotel guest gets his or her just desserts. Soon you'll grow quite fat on Self Defeat Cake and the ever present Humble Pie. If you want she'll expand her offerings to include Chip on Your Shoulder Cookies. (They're a local favorite!)
Mr Fear doesn't want you to be bored - not ever! He offers a full range of seminars at his hotel with catchy titles like "Feeling Overwhelmed is the Ultimate Excuse", "How to Succeed at Not Succeeding" and "The Ten Best Tips for Squelching Motivation." His seminars are HUGELY successful and his speakers constantly address "sold out" audiences.
He offers an exercise class too. It's called Mind Spinning. The Instructor is so deliciously de-motivating with his constant mantras of "Breathe out ambition, breathe in defeat. Breathe out organization and breathe in chaos." He's dedicated to his mission of encouraging all to embrace lassitude and only work the anxious and overwhelmed muscles. (I'm no expert at physiology, but I believe those muscle groups are located in the vicinity of the gluteus maximus.) He ends every work out the same way.
"Remember folks. Lethargy is the ultimate goal. Avoid thought, and above all, avoid Action. The only successful failure is the guy who never tried."
I know all of this because I used to spend a lot of time in Stalledandstuck, where I was consistently treated like royalty. But somewhere along the line I caught a small case of determination, and I'm thinking this is the year that I need to hold fast to my resolutional baggage and hightail it somewhere else. I need a change of scenery.
There are towns in the opposite direction - they say that there's a great big shining city called Success! at the end of that road. The turn off veers gently to the right a few miles down the Road of Good Intentions (long before it becomes the Highway to Hell). You won't get even half-way to Stalledandstuck before you see that bend in the road, if you're looking for it. A slight change in course, and a neon bright banner waves overhead - "Welcome to Progress!"
Progress (I've heard) is a less comfortable town than my old standby. Nobody is apt to make a huge fuss over you there, because everyone is too busy. All the citizens there are transients on their way to places farther down the highway and closer to Success! Everyone there seems happy, intent on their own goals and fairly non-obtrusive. The busiest hostel is run by a guy named Persevere. It's a bit of a rustic place, but Mr. P makes sure everyone gets what they need. He sends out reminders to his guests when they forget to pick up day planners or get moving in a timely fashion, desiring that all remain motivated. His concierge desk in the lobby always has a line up in front of it, which isn't horribly convenient, but as the advice doled out there is so helpful to those trying to plan itineraries, nobody seems to mind the wait.
Apparently all kinds of motivational speakers do the circuit in Progress, and seminars and workshops have titles like "Hang in There!", "Plan, Organize and DO" and "Working all of the Bugs out of Your Faulty System". Everything is very "hands on", hard work is encouraged and spa treatments are granted as a reward for effort - what a concept!
So I've bought a new map and planned my route. I have all my good intentions packed for the long arduous trip to Success! Does anyone care to join me? I'm barely on the road, just coming up to that first bend...
Is that a banner I see just around the corner?
I am the Queen of Stalledandstuck -
mired to my armpits in the muck.
My throne, unnoticed most the time,
is buried deeply in the slime
and if I ever wore a crown
it's long since gone, it's settled down
into this murky great abyss -
a kingdom built on quicksand, this.
I tell myself I would break free
if there was somewhere else to be -
there are worse places to be in,
and mud feels good upon my skin.
Each day I spend in spa like state;
there's not much here to aggravate.
Nobody crowds me in my muck,
although a few point out I'm stuck.
(I always have a good excuse
for why my limbs are still not loose.)
Oft times I can sense some disdain -
some question why I here remain
and even try to pull me out,
but I am mired by fear and doubt.
It's so much easier to choose
to stay within familiar ooze.
(And if I left, what would I wear?
My mud-gown's not in style out there!)
What would I do upon dry land?
Nobody seems to understand!
Here people notice what I say;
I issue edicts every day.
I'm really quite important here,
but elsewhere I might disappear.
About two weeks into any given new year I often begin to hear the constant thud of discarded resolutions hitting the ground around me. Why is it so easy to be inspired on New Year's Eve, and so common to be more than half way down the well beaten track to the town of "Stalledandstuck" before two weeks are past?
Ahhh - perhaps it's the attraction of Stalledandstuck itself!
It's such a cozy and comfortable little place to make a pit stop on the road to Discouragement, or for the really ambitiously self-defeating, The Highway to Hell, which as most of you know is paved with the good intentions that people drop en route and stomp down into a hard packed surface as they march onward toward their own personal purgatory.
This is a town that embodies the ultimate comfort zone. Here you will never have to face your vulnerabilities because rejection isn't even possible! Everything here is ordered and precise - no scary surprises and no messy challenges interrupt your days of relaxation and leisure. Oh sure, you have a few tasks to perform, but you've been doing these same things for so long that they're no trouble at all. You carry out these necessary chores in your sleep and with robotic efficiency, then accept the applause graciously, pat yourself on the back and sink into yet another blissful mud-bath.
The best hotel in the realm is run by a persuasive innkeeper named Fear. He's quick to assure you that your stay should be a long one. After all, anyplace else you could ever go would ultimately prove to be filled with risk - scary thought! But here you will be carefully tended and soooo safe! Aren't you lucky to always have one of his best rooms waiting for you?
His next door neighbour is always ready to greet you with a big fat slice of pie. Her name is Comparison, but you can call her Miss C. Stick with her, and she'll comfort you with the notion that it is much better to never try. You'll never be the best, and good is never good enough. There's really no reason to put yourself through the ordeal of trying to accomplish anything. Accomplishment is hard work, and satisfaction is highly over-rated. (Besides, contentment is for cows, and the only goal worth setting is the goal to be The Best.)
"And you're just not a contender", she assures you, "So enjoy your time with Mr. Fear, and your meals are all on me!"
Miss C feeds everyone really well, focusing on making sure each hotel guest gets his or her just desserts. Soon you'll grow quite fat on Self Defeat Cake and the ever present Humble Pie. If you want she'll expand her offerings to include Chip on Your Shoulder Cookies. (They're a local favorite!)
Mr Fear doesn't want you to be bored - not ever! He offers a full range of seminars at his hotel with catchy titles like "Feeling Overwhelmed is the Ultimate Excuse", "How to Succeed at Not Succeeding" and "The Ten Best Tips for Squelching Motivation." His seminars are HUGELY successful and his speakers constantly address "sold out" audiences.
He offers an exercise class too. It's called Mind Spinning. The Instructor is so deliciously de-motivating with his constant mantras of "Breathe out ambition, breathe in defeat. Breathe out organization and breathe in chaos." He's dedicated to his mission of encouraging all to embrace lassitude and only work the anxious and overwhelmed muscles. (I'm no expert at physiology, but I believe those muscle groups are located in the vicinity of the gluteus maximus.) He ends every work out the same way.
"Remember folks. Lethargy is the ultimate goal. Avoid thought, and above all, avoid Action. The only successful failure is the guy who never tried."
I know all of this because I used to spend a lot of time in Stalledandstuck, where I was consistently treated like royalty. But somewhere along the line I caught a small case of determination, and I'm thinking this is the year that I need to hold fast to my resolutional baggage and hightail it somewhere else. I need a change of scenery.
There are towns in the opposite direction - they say that there's a great big shining city called Success! at the end of that road. The turn off veers gently to the right a few miles down the Road of Good Intentions (long before it becomes the Highway to Hell). You won't get even half-way to Stalledandstuck before you see that bend in the road, if you're looking for it. A slight change in course, and a neon bright banner waves overhead - "Welcome to Progress!"
Progress (I've heard) is a less comfortable town than my old standby. Nobody is apt to make a huge fuss over you there, because everyone is too busy. All the citizens there are transients on their way to places farther down the highway and closer to Success! Everyone there seems happy, intent on their own goals and fairly non-obtrusive. The busiest hostel is run by a guy named Persevere. It's a bit of a rustic place, but Mr. P makes sure everyone gets what they need. He sends out reminders to his guests when they forget to pick up day planners or get moving in a timely fashion, desiring that all remain motivated. His concierge desk in the lobby always has a line up in front of it, which isn't horribly convenient, but as the advice doled out there is so helpful to those trying to plan itineraries, nobody seems to mind the wait.
Apparently all kinds of motivational speakers do the circuit in Progress, and seminars and workshops have titles like "Hang in There!", "Plan, Organize and DO" and "Working all of the Bugs out of Your Faulty System". Everything is very "hands on", hard work is encouraged and spa treatments are granted as a reward for effort - what a concept!
So I've bought a new map and planned my route. I have all my good intentions packed for the long arduous trip to Success! Does anyone care to join me? I'm barely on the road, just coming up to that first bend...
Is that a banner I see just around the corner?
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