"How to Win Friends..."
I'm sure I must've irked or bossed
the thrower 'ere the book was tossed -
a famous tome by Carnegie
a boy named "Hurley" hurled at me.
Although the thrower was irate,
as I recall his aim was great.
It hit me squarely on the head
and Mr. Hurley laughed and fled.
He'd left no scar that I could show,
but bruised my twelve year old ego,
and glancing at the book he'd tossed,
my sense of humour wasn't lost.
"How to Win Friends and Influence -"
obtained an adverse consequence.
I still laugh at the irony
of how that book was thrown at me,
and when I muse on that attack
I'm glad it was the paperback!
-Sharon Flood Kasenberg (Feb. 27, 2007)
What I've Learned about Friendship Since THAT Book Hit Me In the Head:
Without a doubt that cosh on the head reminded me that I could be difficult at times - still am. I'm opinionated and temperamental. I'm a bit of an introvert and far too analytical, which might be why I find it slightly disheartening that in spite of all the upbeat and encouraging posts I've shared over these last few years, the one that's received the most views is titled "Confession: I Don't Like Everyone!"
That worries me (a bit) because I actually do like most people and don't want to be viewed as a negative or antisocial individual. Generally speaking I feel goodwill toward all, and I know I've been blessed with some amazing friends who are able to look past my red-headed disposition and my social quirks to find "a keeper". I'm loyal, affectionate and (doggone it!) I'm mostly fun to be around.
I was twelve when that famous tome was lobbed at my head. We were cleaning off bookshelves in my grade six classroom, five of us, when I said something that irritated one of my peers. So he threw the book in his hand at me. I laughed uproariously when I saw the title on his chosen missile, but even then I had a niggling feeling that something was amiss - "How to Win Friends and Influence People" just didn't sound quite right to me.
Even then I felt that true friends are not won but earned. Years after it bounced off my noggin I read the book with my sons. Carnegie was, without a doubt, a man who understood how to get along with people. It's a great book for people looking to build a customer base, but not (in my opinion) the ultimate guide to making friends. Therefore I was selective in heeding Carnegie's wisdom, choosing to disregard a few things that struck me as being slightly smarmy used car salesmen type "techniques". Nobody appreciates being condescended to, and most people possess enough firing neurons to know when you're putting on an act to"win them over."
Experience has taught me that the way to make friends is to be the best version of you - shine your own light. Don't ever pretend to be something you're not. Once when I was young and frustrated by the fact that a much bubblier girl in my social circle seemed to capture a lot more attention, I decided to try to be like her. Another friend caught on quickly to what I was attempting and nipped it in the bud by asking why I would pretend to be an airhead. ("It doesn't look good on you at all!", he told me in his forthright way.) It was yet another book to the head moment, reminding me of the importance of "keeping it real."
I've learned to keep my expectations real too. Making friends with the coolest kid in school or the best looking/most popular person in the office building might not happen, but when you're in the habit of being polite and kind you'll attract the attention of those who appreciate what you have to offer. Not everyone you meet will groove on you the second they meet you, and that's fine. Many of the people I feel closest to didn't impress me much at a glance. I'm grateful that wasn't all I gave them. As I got to know those who initially seemed intimidating, or felt I had nothing in common with, I was often delighted by the fact that I had completely misread them. Sometimes it's wonderful to be wrong!
I hesitate to say it, but I've learned there's a possibility that those who you'd like to befriend will never groove on you. That's okay too! Give yourself permission to be rejected from time to time. There are people you love better from a distance, so it stands to reason that there are those who will love you best from afar. This shouldn't be a newsflash. If you haven't yet learned to appreciate everyone you meet, you can't complain too much about the fact that you won't be everyone's cup of tea.
I've learned that we find, and are found by, the people we need in our lives. Friendships come in all varieties - from casual friends we "just hang with" to the "soul mates" we encounter who we recognize in a flash as being kindred spirits - people we can share almost anything with. Most of us are lucky enough to form a few truly great friendships over the course of a lifetime. You may see these people infrequently, but conversation always flows. You just "get" each other.
Yes, I've learned a few things about friendship over the years, but I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you how much I still need to work on.
Life can sometimes get in the way of making and maintaining contact with friends. We get busy with kids and jobs. We move around. (I've changed cities seven times since I left my hometown.) We change, and changing lives reflect changes in friendships. There have been times when I got lazy about keeping in touch with people and letting them know I care, and times when I felt a bit neglected too.
I've learned how easy it can be to throw a pity party and wait around for other people to make a big fuss over me. There's a lot of fear associated with reaching out first, which doesn't make a lot of sense because it seems to me that none of us are ever alone in feeling lonely. Anyone feeling a lack of sociability in life is probably not being very sociable. I'm learning that I need to do my share of the reaching.
I've learned that people have differing ideas about what friendship connections do and don't look like in this technology driven world. I'm pretty certain that all of my Facebook friends aren't people who actually love me (some don't even really know me). Nevertheless I've seen people get really upset about being "un-friended" by people who play very small parts in their lives. I worry that a lot of people give online interactions inflated importance, and care more about creating a virtual persona than spending quality time engaging with friends in real life. It's easier than having to schedule time to get together, and nobody has to bother getting dressed, cleaning the house or combing their hair.
I try to use technology to stay close to friends who live far away, or to reconnect with old friends. When I do reach out to someone I've reconnected with online I'm often confused. How much contact is enough? Will a long, newsy message in their inbox scare them off? Is a phone call too invasive? Does this person care a fig about ever actually seeing me? Do people really want to visit anymore, or is hospitality a dying art? I know I certainly don't entertain as often as my parents did.
I had an experience recently that made me see just how rusty my hostessing skills have become.
A friend I hadn't seen in a dozen years came to visit, and I was thrilled! I baked cookies just before she came, brought she and her husband each a plate and they each ate a cookie. I meant to put the rest of the cookies out within reach, but got so caught up in the conversation that I forgot to. (I was actually kind of freaked out by the fact that after all of these years she was sitting in my house - sad but true.) I didn't even think to offer them a glass of water until they were about to leave - and then primarily because with all the yakking I'd done I was a bit thirsty. (Did I mention that I'm a bit spaced out occasionally...and that it can take me a while to "process" what happens around me?)
I shamefully recounted this tale to my mother and she tsk-tsked loudly. She had certainly set a better example for me than that! I apologized to my friend profusely via email - I'd realized after the fact (I explained to her) that I'd missed a zillion social cues...
"Social cues - LOL?" she responded in her emailed reply. "Whatever do you mean, Sheldon?"
I laughed my head off, just like I did all those years ago when the book beaned me. She knew exactly how to make me see the point in a humorous way - no judgement or criticism, but she wasn't entirely letting me off the hook either. We still got each other.
And I was reminded of one more thing I've learned. Sometimes I still need a good thump on the head!
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