Freedom@Fifty-five By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

@fifty-five:

In youth a choir seemed to jeer and taunt,
"You'll never get the future that you want!"
Thus in the grip of fear I oft' was held,
and to its whims my mind was oft' compelled.
For far too long my brain would not believe
life offered more than my heart could conceive -
so limited my life in terms of scope
that I could not believe that faith was hope.
The world was just too horrid to behold -
and human weakness couldn't be controlled.
But as I aged I finally observed
some things that left me thoroughly unnerved -
for there is beauty when the heart can see
there's goodness in much of humanity,
and seeing this, plant seeds of faith anew
that prompt us to our old beliefs review.
And so at length I chose another path -
and rid myself of earlier self-wrath
by offering upon a blazing pyre
the effigies of those predictions dire
which kept me so encumbered by their chains
that I could never seize the offered reins.
Now heart has followed where my mind did lead,
and from past misconceptions I am freed!
At last I hear a very different choir
sing choruses to heart and mind inspire.
This truth is simple - and so elegant -
In my own life I can be celebrant!
I can plan both the journey and the route,
and no one ever really ought to doubt
that my own compass tells me where to go -
for I know best the soil where I will grow!
And here I'll build the future that I want
whatever voices choose to jeer or taunt.

By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

Today I celebrate my fifty-fifth birthday, and I'm giving myself a gift. I'm freeing myself from a weight I've carried for over a year, lifting it off my shoulders and dropping it at your feet...

For a very long time my blog posts have talked about change, and I've alluded to the fact that I've made many changes in my life. Some of these changes have been obvious - like the fact that I moved. I'm living a whole different life now - embracing small town atmosphere and working toward the dream of breathing new life into our old Victorian house so that some day it can be a source of income as well as a happy home.

But there has been one source of change in my life that I was loathe to share publicly - afraid that some of you would see me differently, and maybe stop listening to me. Maybe you'd decide my posts weren't worth reading, or that we couldn't be friends anymore if I told you this. Furthermore, I've been afraid that in telling you this truth you'd see me as a sinner, a traitor, or a coward, because there are some who say that's what I am now. I hope you're not one of them. You see, no matter what changes I've made in my life, if I ever considered you a true friend that hasn't changed. And it won't change - even if you feel that we no longer have anything in common once I say this...

I no longer belong to any church. You read that right. (Whew - I said it!)

I was born and raised in a faith that was my whole world for most of my life. My church was my community, and my sense of purpose revolved around service in my church. My identity was enmeshed in membership in my church. I was proud to belong.

Until things changed. My husband stopped attending and I felt judged by many because he'd rejected the faith. And over the years a lot of the things I was raised to believe stopped resonating with me. Not because I sinned, because honest to goodness, I live the most squeaky clean life you can imagine. That hasn't changed one whit, and isn't likely to. What many of you may not have understood was that I've always had my own moral compass leading my life. The things I chose not to indulge in were things I simply never wanted. I made my own choices. The church was never my crutch, never my reason for saying no or yes. So believe me when I tell you that I still live as I always have.

How can my life still be rewarding without faith? I know that's a question some of you will ask, and I have an answer. My life is not without faith! I have my very own theology - perhaps I always did. I have faith in the goodness of humanity, and genuinely believe there are more kind and decent people in the world than there are mean, nasty people wanting to hurt me, or anyone else. I really see that goodness in people now that I'm less concerned about what they do or don't believe, and merely focus on their words and deeds. I have a lot more faith in myself too, now that I've embraced my ignorance and admitted that I don't have all the answers. There is a great sense of freedom in saying out loud - "I just don't know!" I feel more content with my life now that I focus on merely being a good person, rather than worrying about achieving any level of perfection in this life or any other. My only competition now is with myself as I strive to be better than I was the day before.

I've always tried not to lie or cheat or hurt others - and that's why it's been so hard to keep this to myself for as long as I have. I have no desire to hurt any of you who still believe the things I used to believe. I didn't make any grand announcement on Facebook because I was afraid that my decision to leave would somehow offend you. But by keeping this to myself I was hurting me. It bothered me to let you think I hadn't changed. It made me feel like I was being a traitor to myself. It made me feel guilty for following my conscience and doing what I felt was right. I hated feeling that many of you felt safe in the assumption that in spite of all the change I alluded to, that hadn't changed. So now I'm being honest - for my sake and yours.

I resigned in October of 2015.

I don't want to go into all of the reasons I resigned my membership, but it wasn't a decision I made lightly. I don't want to engage in debate, or influence anybody else to come to the same conclusions that I have. I can live with the fact that we see things differently. Please don't feel badly. Don't shed tears for me, or pray for me to have a change of heart and come back. My heart has already changed - in wonderful, meaningful ways. Every person I ever loved is still loved - and perhaps loved better. My heart seems to have more room in it for love since I stopped trying to force myself to believe things that just didn't seem right to me. I'm happy. I feel that my life has purpose and direction. My conscience is alive and well, and I trust it to keep me living as I should.

It hurts me that some of you won't feel the same toward me now that you know I've left the church. Just remember that this change came a while ago, and that many of you have been interacting with me since I ceased being a member - and you were none the wiser. That's because I'm still the same person I always was. We still have common life experiences and interests and ideas to draw upon, and we can still be friends. This doesn't have to be a big deal.

I still love you, and I'm sorry if this news shocks you or makes you feel sad. That wasn't my intention at all. It's just that I'm fifty-five... old enough to know my own heart, and finally brave enough to speak my own truth. I needed to be able to say this, and couldn't feel free of the weight I carried until I did. I hope you can understand that.

I have enough faith to believe that most of you will choose to love me anyway - the ball is in your court.

Thanks for listening and not judging.

Sharon