Better Questions - by Sharon Flood Kasenberg

"The Question"

Don't ask me what I do -
especially for pay.
I'm more than what I do
on any given day.

Try asking what I love.
(To most this matters more.)
Few are well defined by
the work they get paid for.

So ask what makes me tick,
what thrills me to the core;
what tugs upon my heart -
and you will learn much more.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, Feb. 10, 2017


It happened again last night - I was asked the question that I've always dreaded.

"What do you do for a living?"

I hate answering that I'm a housewife, or a home-maker - or even borrowing from Rosanne Barr and saying I'm a Domestic Goddess. I don't like responding that I'm unemployed. Experience has taught me that those answers get no respect. Eyes glaze over and the asker can't get wait to move on to someone with a better answer to their inquiry. So I muttered something about doing odd jobs for my husband who owns a business, figuring that somehow that might redeem me at least a little.

I hate that question.

I wish I had just told the asker that - said it right out loud - just once for all of the hundreds (maybe thousands?) of times I've wanted to say it.

"I hate that question!"

(I wonder what response that would have gotten?)

It's not that I'm ashamed of the fact that I don't work for pay at the moment, or that I felt inferior in the days when I stayed home to raise my sons. I felt completely justified in my choice to be a stay at home mom. It was a pragmatic decision - somebody had to look after our sons, and since I loved them, and had never felt a call towards any particular career, it might as well be me. Most of the time I liked being home with my kids, even though it made me a pariah at work functions with my husband, where "the question" would inevitably be asked...

There I'd be, all dressed up and looking forward to interaction with adults. Hoping that maybe this time somebody would just ask about me - or about my kids - or frankly anything but my profession. Why was it so hard for these people to come up with better questions? Sheesh! I read books, I went to movies and watched the news! I even had an IQ sufficient to allow me to be conversant on a broad range of topics! But...nope. This was just another work function where people didn't know how to be people and fixated on jobs. So "the question" got asked, and I was quickly summed up as another boring housewife. I could almost hear them tsking as they walked away, and asking themselves why Todd would settle for such a boring wife.

But it goes back farther than that.

It goes back to the days when I worked as a fast food server, a sales clerk and a house cleaner. People who asked were always disappointed with how I was supporting myself - even when I was young enough to not have credentials to do anything more. The house cleaning years were worst, even though it was the job I enjoyed most. A few people pointed out that it was demeaning to scrub other peoples' floors and toilets, and that I should try and find a "better" job. This - in spite of the fact that cleaning paid twice as much as any other job I was qualified to do! Furthermore, I liked helping people who were too busy or infirm to clean for themselves. My clients were grateful for the service I provided, and that made the hard work satisfying. But oh - the looks of shock I endured! The looks of disappointment - and the looks of dismissal.

Maybe it even goes back farther than that.

My father was a brilliant man who finished grade twelve when he was about fifteen. He'd attended a one room schoolhouse, and his teachers saw that he was bright and let him work at his own pace. He could work out complicated math equations in his head! Furthermore, there were occasions where he'd challenge people with calculators to add six and seven digit numbers faster than he could without - and he'd win!

When people asked me what my father did I'd have to say that he worked at Algoma Steel - even though I knew that wasn't what he was. I knew it wasn't who he was, and that he had the intellect to hold a more prestigious position in life. (If you'd like to read more about my father, I can direct you to another post called Tapestries.) I knew, even as a child that very few people really want to work in factories, dig ditches or wait tables - but, as my father's life taught me, a lot of people have to cede their dreams and do what they have to do to keep bills paid and food on the table. I understood that these people didn't deserve to be seen as less intelligent, less interesting or less motivated than those who had exciting and lucrative careers.

As I grew up I learned to appreciate how many people work at things that seem boring, or are dirty, laborious, even dangerous - day in and day out. I learned that stereotypes are exaggerated - Preachers can be less than stuffy, undertakers can laugh, and librarians aren't all uptight neat freaks. I also came to understand how many people (like my father) don't get to work at the kind of job they dreamed of having. In fact, I've met very few people who spend their lives doing work they love, and those who do seem to make a lot of sacrifices along the way.

So is asking "the question" really the best way to figure out who someone is?

Next time you find yourself in a group of people, hold off on asking it for a while. Remember that a job doesn't really define a person. Ask them about their hobbies, passions, hopes and dreams first. Ask them about people they love and admire, places they've traveled, and how they'd spend their days if they didn't have to worry about paying bills. Ask them what matters most to them, and how they'd like to change the world.

I think you'll find that better questions enable better - more interesting and revealing - conversation.