My Treadmill and I - It's complicated! By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

Ode to My Treadmill:

Oh the miles we've walked together
you and I through thin and thick -
and my steps, you keep them steady,
urging me to pace that's quick.
Seems whenever I am restless
you are at my beck and call -
with your aid I'm ever climbing
and I never seem to fall.
My devotion can't be questioned
(though we've had our ups and downs)
but dear Treadmill, I'll admit it
on your frame I've bestowed frowns.
So today I pause to thank you
for accepting my abuse -
with you I am always moving;
weather offers no excuse!

By Sharon Flood Kasenberg, November 18, 2013

My treadmill and I have been together for more than a decade, and it's been a long and complicated relationship. She came into our family when I was going through menopause, and gaining a pound every time I so much as thought about eating a piece of cake. It was a truly dismal time for someone who loves to bake treats - and eat them.

At the time I belonged to one of those all female gyms, and in spite of doing my utmost to go three times weekly, and being a dedicated pedestrian, I continued to gain weight. Treadmill made me feel less guilty about missing the odd workout and staying in on those days when it rained non-stop, or was excessively warm or cold. Some days I loved her for giving me another way to be active. Other times I resented her mere presence in my house. She constantly reminded me that my carefree days of eating seconds, and never worrying about my weight were, well - behind me...

We've spent a lot of time together, but it isn't always a very balanced relationship - I can't help but feel that she's a bit of a control freak. I mean, she's totally obsessed with how fast I go and how many calories I burn. And she's soooo impatient! Some days she natters at me the whole time I'm with her -

"Hurry up, hurry up, hurry, hurry, hurry-up!", she'll chant continually. I swear she's never satisfied!

She can be a bit of a nag too - always telling me my heart-rate is too high - or not high enough. She  encourages an unhealthy clingy-ness in me by threatening to cast me off like yesterday's garbage if I refuse to stay tethered or hang on to her. I'm also pretty certain that she lies sometimes, and simply refuses to tell me how many calories I've really burned.

I distanced myself from her earlier this summer. We didn't have a falling out, but by necessity she sat unplugged for almost two months while we stripped wallpaper and repainted in her room. (A long time for a minor fix, but we've faced a few wallpaper issues around here. That's fodder for a whole other post.) She mocked me ruthlessly while she sat there, neglected and dejected - and continually coated in plaster dust no matter how many times I vacuumed. A week ago we revived her - my husband and son eased her back into her spot, and I administered CPR. (Well, I plugged her in!) I thought that maybe she'd be happy for me - after all, I've lost a few pounds over the summer, even without her help. That's a whole lot of walking and mosquito dancing - and no second helpings. (Especially on dessert!) How could she not be proud of my efforts?

Still, no high five. No "Congratulations Sharon!" or double calories burned bonus points showed up on her screen. Instead I felt she was mildly resentful. This morning I tried to spend some quality time with her and she was downright discouraging - called me names the whole time!

"Trufflebutt, trufflebutt, truffle, truffle Trufflebutt!", she jeered.

I have to admit that I was feeling persecuted. (Not to mention a little confused by the weirdness of it all.) Why "Trufflebutt"? I don't eat truffles - I can't afford them, and honestly, I've never even coveted a real truffle. Was she saying that my butt looked like I ate too many truffles? That sure wouldn't be fair - I haven't even been indulging in the chocolate kind!

Now that I've shut her up (well, turned her off) - and the sweat has dried - I've decided to take "Trufflebutt" as a compliment. Maybe she's a better friend than I give her credit for, and in her own unique way was trying to convey a sense of my intrinsic worth. Truffles are a delicacy, and they're valuable. Maybe she was actually telling me that I'm worth the effort, and my back end can become an asset again, instead of a liability...?

Yeah - I think I'll go with that.