What I Really Meant to Say - by Sharon Flood Kasenberg

Broken Telephone

We all play broken telephone
and substitute words of our own
when what is spoken is misheard -
not listening, we missed a word -
so what is registered in head
is far from what the speaker said.
And then we foster discontent
instead of asking what was meant,
and hastily make harsh reply
to the befuddled other guy!
We misconstrue and mistranslate,
but seldom do we hesitate
before we formulate response -
Communication - how it daunts!

By Sharon Flood Kasenberg - August, 2017

As a child my friends and I sometimes played a game we called "Broken Telephone". One person would whisper a sentence to the next person, and so on until every person had whispered the message they heard to the person behind them. By the time that message had reached the end of the line it was usually somewhat different than the phrase whispered in the first ear. We always found it fun to compare that first message to what the last hearer reported, and often tried to unravel the mystery of who had misheard what - or forgotten, or added - a word, as the message got passed along.

Communication isn't always straightforward. A lot of what we say is said badly, and a lot of what is spoken to us isn't really heard. We're don't take time to choose words carefully, and we don't listen closely when others speak. We are inattentive.

Usually our lack of attention isn't deliberate. We think we're speaking clearly enough to be understood, but there are whole lot of ways that the communication process can break down. I'm going to suggest how we might overcome a few common obstacles and facilitate better understanding when we converse.

Minimize Distraction!

As a society we suffer from an attention deficit and a distraction overload. We live in households where face to face conversations compete with ringing telephones, television programs, headphones blaring loud music, microwaves and ovens beeping, other people talking - and the list goes on. We work in environments where everyone has their own busy-ness cloggin' up the noggin. Sometimes we aren't heard simply because nobody is even aware that we're talking, let alone to them!

When I was young I once went to a party where I came upon a group of my friends. Unbeknownst to me - and some of them - two conversations were being carried on simultaneously.

"I like sitting in the back", said one friend.

"Really??", asked another incredulously. "Don't you find it awfully noisy back there?"

It took a few minutes for the first speaker, who was talking about canoeing, to realize that he'd stumbled into a second conversation about riding the city bus home from the University when it was full of high school kids!
If we want to be heard we need to minimize the din around us to make that possible. We need to be patient - sometimes the other party needs a minute or two to take care of immediate concerns before they can give us any undivided attention. Let them finish firing off that important email or turn down the television. Let them take the cake out of the oven. Once the distractions are diminished, and our desire to speak to the person has been clearly stated, the harder part of communicating begins.

Be Certain of Your Message

Before we can expect anyone else to understand what we're saying we need to have some understanding of what it is we want to convey. Sometimes we talk in circles because we aren't sure where we'd like the conversation to go. What are you hoping to achieve by speaking to the other party? Are you looking for dialogue, or merely trying to pass on information? Be clear about how much time you need if the other person is busy. Know what you want to say. Nothing is more exasperating than trying to listen to someone who beats around the bush and expects you to read their mind! If you want to be understood, know what you want to say, and say it clearly.

Do you suspect that the house is on fire? If so - yell, "I think the house is on fire!", rather than hesitantly asking, "Hmmm - does anyone else smell smoke?"

Avoid Jargon

If you want people to understand what you have to say, make sure you're speaking a language they understand - and I'm not just referring to actual languages.

When my husband (an only child) first encountered my large and boisterous family, he felt like he'd entered the Twilight Zone. He claimed that we spoke our own language - full of private jokes and references to people and events he had no knowledge of. I felt the same way a few years later when, as a young, stay at home mother, I attended his work events with him. I had no knowledge of the pharmaceutical world and felt completely out of my element trying to converse with people who seemed intent on talking shop.

Every club, religious affiliation, political group, work environment and family develops their own unique jargon over time. It can be difficult for others to understand what we're talking about if we insist on tossing around technical terms that mean nothing to them, or making references to things they have no knowledge of.

Know Who You're Talking To

Not knowing the person, or people, we're trying to converse with can create misunderstandings too. Save the big words and drawn out scientific explanations for people who are likely to understand them. If you're talking to a child in grade school you should use words they'll readily understand. My younger son can get quite impassioned when he talks about artificial intelligence (his specialty), and at times around him I feel like the family dog, who hears - "Blah blah blah Rover!" Blah blah treat!" I just don't understand most of what he tells me, and frequently say things along the lines of -

"Remember - this is your mom! Dumb it down a little, will you?"

(You can say things like that around family without being judged too severely.) I don't mind pointing out that I have my areas of ignorance, but I'm pretty irritated when people assume I have the IQ of a ripe carrot and speak to me accordingly.

If you want to be clearly understood (and not offensive), try to get a grasp on how much the other person might know before you start talking to them. Observe them. Ask them questions, and listen to their answers - which leads me to my last bit of advice.

Listen Carefully!

Most of us care more about being understood than we care about understanding others. Communication is as much about listening as it is about talking, but often we're guilty of listening only well enough to formulate a relatively articulate response. When we make a more conscious effort to listen closely to others we become more apt to avoid communication problems. If we give the other person our full attention, they'll give us theirs - and distractions won't be such an issue. If we listen to the words they choose, we'll have an easier time using words and terms they can relate to, and not intimidating them with our impressive brainpower - or talking down to them as though we think they have none.

If we listen more often, and more attentively, we'll be able to avoid uttering apologetic phrases like -

"What I really meant to say was..."