More or Less - By Sharon Flood Kasenberg

More or Less

What can I offer, more or less -
within mid-winter bleak?
Perhaps less anger to distress;
more thought before I speak.
What can I offer to do more -
what habits can I nurse?
Perhaps more praise on friends I'll pour,
more kindness I'll disperse.
What can I try to do far less -
which flaws can I remove?
I'll do a tally and assess
the ways I should improve.
There's more that's good all ought to give;
more worse we ought not share -
far better ways for us to live
and of others take care.
This year I vow that - more or less -
I'll set my best self free;
I'll use the talents I possess
to build a better me.

Sharon Flood Kasenberg, Dec 18, 2018

Life is more or less an endless series of lessons to learn. No matter how much I might learn, or how much I grow in one area, I'm always certain to find some other aspect of myself that needs work.

This past year has been challenging in many ways. Always change-resistant, the universe seems intent on telling me that I need to embrace change. Always introspective, the universe keeps telling me to think less. Always thin-skinned, the universe seems to put me in positions where I'm apt to be rated, graded, and more often than not left feeling that I'm just not measuring up.

In short, the universe and I have been somewhat out of sync over the past several months.

I'm hoping we can reach a more amicable agreement in 2019. This seems like an attainable goal - as long as I'm willing to do my part to be more agreeable.

Yup - that's the issue - straight from the horse's mouth. Whenever it seems that the universe wants to teach me something, I dig in my heels. My reactions to change are automatic - I resist without stopping to consider whether the change might be good for me. I'm uncompromising in my ability to stubbornly hold fast to the status quo, even when life requires a good shake up. Perhaps this is the year I rid myself of that behavior.

Every year, between Christmas and New Year, I reassess my life. What am I doing right? What could I be doing better? Do I feel like my life is moving in the right direction? In some ways, I really do feel that I'm making progress - in spite of those times when I backslide and feel myself pulled back into the negativity that I'm always working to free myself from.

These past six months have felt like an enormous backslide. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm critical. Too often I've felt that I'm excelling at putting my worst foot forward. I offer the world too much of my worst, and too little of my best. I hang on to things I ought to throw away. I'm contrary.

One of the phrases I often hear is, "Let it go."

It's good advice, but not easy for someone like me; someone with a mind that needs an off switch. (Another phrase I hear a lot follows a similar vein - "You overthink things.'')

Today I participated in a "Fire communion". I wrote some words on a piece of flash paper and watched them catch flare as they were dropped into a fire pot. It felt cathartic to watch those words burn - a lovely sort of symbolism to usher in a new year. If only old habits could be released so easily.

Every person has their own list of "mores" - talents and skills that they should be intent on developing more fully and sharing more often. If you're like me, you may find yourself envying those who have obvious gifts - those who create beautiful art or music, or instinctively know how to make a delicious meal appear on the table. It can be easy to forget that kindness, inclusiveness, a sense of humour, hospitality, generosity...these are all gifts. Many of us have them in abundance - but we fail to utilize them regularly, and our skills grow rusty.

What would happen if we each reviewed our list of strengths and decided to give those parts of ourselves to the world more generously and more frequently?

Sadly, we all have another list - one that too many of us spend too much time examining. Our list of failings is ruthless; it tries hard to demand all of our attention. It constantly reminds us that we're flawed. It relentlessly tallies all of the ways we fail; we can't measure up to the expectations society places on us, and most importantly, we can't meet our own lofty standards.

This year I'm going to tear up that second list. I'm going to take those shreds of paper and burn them to ashes. That list has ruled my life for far too long. I'm going to spend more of my time looking at my other list - expanding it, and experiencing the satisfaction that comes when I've done my best with the meager gifts I have. I'm going to try harder to not succumb to envy or comparison. I'm going to accept a good backslide onto my backside from time to time. Progress is still progress, whether or not it comes in fits and starts. I'm going to quit questioning every step into the unknown and embrace the uncertainties that are part of living. I'm going to risk a few spectacular falls on my way to making a graceful leap - a leap from defeat to belief.

And I really do believe that this might be the year I learn to let it go.